Earlier today on this very website, my colleague Sam Biddle referred to a recent photograph of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie pouring a bag of M&Ms into a box of M&Ms as “embarrassing” and inexplicable—an analysis as unfair as it is incorrect. Because in this instance, for what may be the very first time in his life, Chris Christie did the right thing.
Chris Christie, who acted wickedly in a past life and must now mortify himself as Donald Trump’s personal jester, has debased himself once more, having been seen inexplicably pouring a bag of M&Ms into a box of M&Ms. Instead of shrugging off this scandal on account of being A) an adult, B) a U.S. governor, or C) a man with self-respect, he called into a New Jersey talk radio show.
While still popular in states like Pennsylvania and Florida, the Ku Klux Klan is apparently having recruitment problems in South Carolina. So, last weekend, the group did what any past-their-prime terrorist organization would do: They handed out bags of candy stuffed with anti-immigration propaganda.
Now parents haveone more (probably fake) young-people trend to worry about: kids these days areapparently crushing up Smarties and snorting them. Surprisingly, there is nohigh from crushing up colored sugar and sticking it up your nose, but thathasn’t stopped middle schoolers across the country from doing it. Allegedly.
Who doesn't love making kids scream (and maybe cry a little) on Halloween? In Jimmy Kimmel's third annual exercise in being mean to small humans, children everywhere were told all their trick-or-treating loot had been consumed by their parents—who taped the reactions and uploaded them to YouTube. The responses range from a heartfelt "I hate you!" to, well, more of the same. Admit it. You'd react the same way.
Halloween digs itself out of the chilly autumn ground for a few weeks each year, too weird and primal for governments or religions to claim. It is an ancient pagan harvest festival and a leering plastic skeleton in a front-yard cemetery of styrofoam tombstones. It is candy and liquor, sex and death, and the only "moral lesson" of Halloween is a sneering threat from a child in the night: Give me mine or you'll get yours, mister. It is the only honest American holiday.
If you're looking for a candy to remind you of (very early) childhood or if you're just into weird foods, here you go: A Texas-based candy company released a breast-milk-flavored lollipop on Monday night.
Black licorice is a decorative material, the primary purpose of which is to create dark and winding roads leading up to gingerbread homes at Christmastime. Sadly, millions of Americans accidentally ingest it each year.
Tennis and candy go together like tennis and candy, so it makes perfect no sense that tennis superstar Maria Sharapova has just unveiled a new line of utterly incomprehensible candies.
Seattle residents Brandon Loo and Christopher Sweeney were on their way back from a trip to Vancouver when U.S. Border agents searched their car and, after finding illegal contraband, detained the two for several hours. The contraband? Kinder Eggs, which are chocolate eggs with toys in the center. The candies are banned in the U.S. because they, like every other candy in the world, contain "a non-nutritive object."
When the hordes of little tykes dolled up like Dora the Explorer and Spider-Man and whatever other licensed character costumes their parents bought for them at Target show up at your door this Halloween, know that you are being judged. No, it's not on your costume or your synced light show on your house. They're judging you on the treats you put in their bags.
Dissecting the various psychological and socieconomic strands that make up today's sophisticated modern advertising campaigns is no easy task, but we'll give it our best shot. In this ad out of India (click to enlarge) for Lotte Choco Caramel With Mango Inside, the choco-caramel-colored pregnant maid represents the Choco Caramel With Mango Inside. The happily leering mango is pleased that his mango sperm has been "inside" the choco caramel, and will be again soon, by the looks of it. Probably via rape. This scenario makes people want to purchase the candy in question.
Confronted with a 6'4", 350-pound "agitated mentally disturbed" man wielding a razor and, apparently, a broom, police in Macon, Ga. used a handful of lollipops to subdue the subject, offering them as bargaining chips in exchange for the man relinquishing the razor and allowing himself to be handcuffed. We therefore support arming police officers everywhere with lollipops, attached to their utility belts in small lollipop-bags, for use in violent confrontation. As the saying goes, "you subdue more huge violent men with lollipops than with vinegar, or guns." [Macon Telegraph; image via Shutterstock]
