Don't worry, she followed it up with "shhh." A Real Housewife gets bounced from Fashion Week. Kelly Osbourne and Peaches Geldof's elaborate dance of avoidance implodes. John Mayer's so far gone, even Oprah won't touch him. Wednesday gossip cometh.
Unless it's a dance craze called "the boozy ostrich"? Madonna celebrates Carnival with Jesus Luz. Britney celebrates V-Day with saturated fats. Simon Monjack dismantles his Brittany Murphy charity. Heidi Montag finally moves her face. Monday's gossip roundup is hungover.
• Marc Jacobs says he's totally over having celebrities at his fashion shows because it's boring, and the only reason Lady Gaga and Madonna turned up to his show last year was because Gaga was performing at the after-party and Madonna, well, she just showed up. "She came backstage, and I was like, 'What do you do with her now?' Because it's not like she was invited." Somewhere, Madonna is burning all of her Marc Jacobs clothing. [P6]
• Rumors have been swirling recently that Ben Affleck fell off the wagon recently and is now drinking again. (He checked himself into rehab back in 2001.) On Monday, a bearded Affleck was spotted "cruising aimlessly" at the Chateau Marmont and "looking worse for wear." Uh oh. [NYDN]
• Tiger Woods mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, has scored herself a job. A day after sitting down with Extra's Mario Lopez for an interview and now the show has hired her as its new nightlife correspondent. Just like hooker-turned-sex columnist Ashley Dupre, Uchitel is proving that you can make a big bunch of terrible decisions in life and come out ahead in the end, provided you have no shame and a burning desire to be famous. [P6]
Sarah Silverman unleashes the rage of a thousand indignant female fans on an ex-boyfriend. Brangelina sues News of the World for the break-up rumor. I hereby nominate Kevin Federline to date Kate Gosselin. Tuesday gossip just wants to be loved.
Jersey Shore kids scoff at The Hills and Jerry Springer; Brangelina's PR team floats a new break-up excuse; Stephanie Pratt gets bounced; Nancy Grace's suicide-inducement trial will be televised, after all. Wednesday's gossip roundup is full of Schadenfreude.
• Mischa Barton didn't do so hot while filming scenes for Law & Order: SVU earlier this week. She reportedly forgot her lines repeatedly and some people suspect it's because the troubled actress has been partying a bit too hard recently. Then again, after playing a strung-out hooker on L&O, her career has nowhere to go but up, right? [NYDN]
• Publishing heiress Lydia Hearst has posed for Playboy and had a guest appearance on Gossip Girl. What's next? She's leaving NYC for Los Angeles to launch an acting career, naturally. Unfortunately, she's taking her boyfriend, spiky-haired pop rocker Ryan Cabrera, along for the ride, so she may not be getting off to the best start. [P6]
• Speaking of people who have built a career based on their willingness to take off their clothes, remember Amy Fisher? She'll be getting naked at a restaurant on Long Island this week and is setting aside a portion of the proceeds to help victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Your turn, Buttafuoco. [P6]
• John Edwards has finally come clean and admitted that he's the father of Rielle Hunter's two-year-old daughter. Better late than never? [People]
• The messiest TV feud in years may be nearing its end. Conan O'Brien and NBC are said to be close to signing a deal that would allow Conan to walk away from The Tonight Show with $32.5 million in hand. He wouldn't be able to host a show on another network until September under terms of the agreement. And it remains unclear if he'll be able to take some of the memorable characters he created with him, like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog or the Masturbating Bear. [TMZ]
• Has Jennifer Aniston finally found love? Probably not, but she's reportedly hooking up with Gerard Butler again. After taking pictures together on the red carpet at the Golden Globes, Aniston and Butler were supposedly seen "making out" backstage and were "attached at the hip all night." [P6]
• Madonna may be looking to add to her collection of kids. According to a Brit tabloid, the 51-year-old singer wants to have a baby with her Brazilian boytoy Jesus Luz since she has "endless love in her heart for another child." [Sun]
• Tiger Woods may be staying at Pine Grove, a sex rehab facility in Mississippi, if you happen to be looking for him, or you just need the name of a place that will treat your own compulsion to sleep with hookers and waitresses. [Us]
• Britney Spears' former penthouse at 14 East 4th Street has been price-chopped once again. So if you've ever fantasized about living in an apartment once occupied by the faded pop star, this may be your big chance. The three-bedroom pad, which Spears unloaded in 2006, is now up for sale for $4.999 million, down from the $6.595 million its owners were seeking when they put the place on the market in 2008. [Curbed, PDE]
• Paul Greenwood, the former money manager and Islanders co-owner who was accused of securities fraud last year, is looking to sell his North Salem estate. The 16-acre spread, which Greenwood has broken up into three properties for the purposes of the sale, can be purchased for a combined $10 million, or $8 million for the 9,000-square-foot mansion by itself. [NYP, PDE]
L.A. Dodger Matt Kemp squeezed Rihanna. Who's happier, him or the photographer who shot it? Vince Vaughn gets married. Gaga gets a new look. Jeremy Piven has a lobotomy scar? Tuesday gossip has room for argument.
• Robert "Joe" Halderman, David Letterman's alleged extortionist, may be close to taking a plea deal. Halderman has reportedly offered to accept a one-year prison sentence in exchange for pleading guilty, although his lawyer is denying it, and any deal probably won't be finalized until incoming Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Jr. takes office in January. [NYP]
• Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller say they're heading to counseling following Friday's arrest of Sheen on domestic violence charges. (He allegedly threatened Mueller with a knife and told her he was going to kill her.) Sheen, who was released on bond on Christmas night, also says he plans to enroll in "anger management counseling," since he's hoping to keep the marriage together. Rest assured, though, that somewhere Denise Richards is screaming, "I told you so!" [TMZ, NYDN]
• Ivana Trump was booted off a flight from Palm Beach to New York over the weekend after she cursed out a group of rowdy kids on the plane and then lashed out at several flight attendants. [P6, MSNBC]
Sometimes, a good paparazzi shot makes us stop thinking about rumors and start thinking about whether big eyeglasses are passé, yet. Lindsay has a new beau, her dad has a new excuse, Gosselin's ex thinks someone is framing her. Gossip!
• Brittany Murphy's funeral has been scheduled for tomorrow, Christmas Eve. In other Brittany news, her super-sketchy husband Simon Monjack, who indicated initially that he didn't want an autopsy to be performed on Murphy, now says he wants to know exactly what caused her death, although he also says he's sure it didn't have anything to do with her having a drug problem or eating disorder of any kind; the coroner in LA is completely baffled how information about Murphy's giant cache of prescription drugs made its way to TMZ and says he's planning a full investigation; and in what may be the most twisted development of the day, it seems Murphy's LA home has already been added to a "Haunted Hollywood" tour.
• Poor Mischa Barton. She showed up at the Whole Foods in Soho with her Shih-Pom, Ziggy, and was then informed that the store doesn't permit dogs inside, even those that happen to belong to semi-famous people. [NYDN]
• Steven Tyler of Aerosmith says he's been addicted to painkillers for years and is now heading to rehab. [People]
