♦ Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer's baby. At least that's what the always-reliable Star is now reporting. [Star]
♦ Remember how Donald Trump said he'd help Ed McMahon by buying his home out of foreclosure? Seems like it was just a publicity stunt at McMahon's expense, although Ed's newfound career as a rap artist should pay the bills for now. [P6]
♦ Your daily dose of Madonna-Guy news: Madge says her husband lived "like a king" off her money and she's insisting the kids be with her during the holidays ("Christmas doesn't exist in the Madonna household because of Kabbalah"). For his part, Guy may already have a new girlfriend. [Daily Mail, Mirror, Page Six]

MISTRIAL! After extended jury deliberations that lasted twice as long as the trial itself, the Britney Spears License Trial of the Century ended this afternoon in a mistrial. Attorneys gave their closing arguments another try this morning, not long after the jury foreman acknowledged the panel was split 10-2 (he wouldn't disclose which way) as to whether or not Spears broke the law last summer while driving, hitting and running without a California license. The singer avoids potential jail time at a critical juncture in her career, thus clearing her name (for now), restoring her newfound momentum and reopening herself to another decade at least of catty Mr. Blackwell rejoinders from beyond the grave. Congrats, Brit! [AP]

• Michael Phelps is dating Barbara Walters' assistant "Marina," with whom he went to college. Wait, that's a fake name right?? Is someone playing a trick on poor old Cindy Adams? [Cindy Adams]

♦ Who's helping Madonna cope with her nasty, public divorce from Guy Ritchie? Best pal Gwyneth Paltrow, of course. "You know, she's a dear friend, and I'm supporting her in all [the] ways that I can... she's a very good friend." [Us, AP]
♦ In other Madonna news, Guy Ritchie now believes Madonna is spying on him, Madonna is now suggesting she wants to raise her kids in NYC, and Alex Rodriguez wants to move so he can be closer to the love of his life. [The Sun, People, R&M]
♦ Least plausible rumor ever: "Well placed sources" say that if Obama is elected president, he'll consider making Oprah British Ambassador. [TMZ]

Sad news that catty style assessor Mr. Blackwell passed away this weekend. Though, maybe not so sad for the decades' worth of celebrities that he slammed as his Worst Dressed picks of the year. If you're curious about who Mr. B selected as his top (bottom?) choice each year since 1960, you can find a list here. We've also compiled a photo gallery of the most recent 20, after the jump.

♦ Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce wasn't a huge revelation after months of rumors. But now it turns out the couple hadn't even been on speaking terms for months, and had been communicating through their assistants. Also: Guy may lose custody of his sons if Madonna decides to leave London and settle in NYC full-time. [Us, People]
♦ The namecalling has started: Madonna called Guy "emotionally retarded" at her Boston concert on Wednesday night, and now Guy's father is calling Madonna "beastly." [The Sun, Telegraph]
♦ Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi aren't happy about the leak of their sex tape. Who's to blame? Peter is blaming Diana. Diana, meanwhile, says it couldn't have been her since she didn't even know he was taping them having sex in his Southampton office. [P6, ET]
♦ Did Tea Leoni have a fling with Billy Bob Thorton while she was still with David Duchovny? [Extra, E!]

· We think we got most of the essentials out in the headline. Oh—it's on The Tonight Show. Enjoy. · Oh. Ma. Ga. After what seemed like an eternity of the same "Under Construction" placeholder card featuring an unflattering shot of Britney in a hard hat eating cheesy fries, BritneySpears.com has finally relaunched. · What is e-MANcipate!? "e-MANcipate! is a project to accelerate the acceptance of male pantyhose as a regular clothing item." Even truck drivers are getting in on the act! · Christina is the #1-selling Down Syndrome Doll. · Whooaaaaaa: The Sunnnnnnn.

Britney Spears was nowhere to be seen on the first day of her trial for driving without a license, a charge stemming from her decision to flee that haunted Petco parking lot where she struck a car in August 2007. With the hit-and-run allegations settled, however, and both her lawyer and the district attorney in agreement that her addled ass was behind the wheel, a jury will be left to decide Britney's fate in the bitter license battle. "A jury," you ask? Indeed: The Britney Spears License Trial actually has a jury of her peers, opening statements, potential jail time — all that criminal stuff that threatens to derail her lobby-waitress comeback before it even really began. But will she ever deign to drop in to testify in her own defense?In a word, no. At least that's the impression of her lawyer, J. Michael Flanagan, who asserted in today's opening arguments that Britney was exempt from holding a California license at the time of the collision. His client, he said, was a Louisiana resident with a valid license, home, and voter registration record in that state. Not good enough, replied Los Angeles deputy city attorney Michael Amerian, who called a DMV investigator who testified that the pop star didn't apply for a license until more than a week after the incident. So someone is lying, and if anyone can suss the truth, it's the jury of eight women and four men who were chosen this morning. And though our in-house legal analysts expect Britney to walk, the selection process portended a turbulent path to justice:

♦ Last night's debate attracted more viewers than the first, but not as many as last week's debate. [MediaPost]
♦ Dan Rather will be covering the presidential elections for a French TV network. Does he speak French? [Variety]
♦ Fox's 24 will command the highest ad rates this season. [AdAge]
♦ PBS has decided not to air a documentary about Bush administration torture tactics until after the election. [NYT]
♦ Britney Spears is back in print to hype her latest fragrance line. [AdRants]
♦ Steve Carell will play a French soldier in Brigadier Gerard. [THR]

♦ Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially split, the focus is now on her relationship with Alex Rodriguez: Some say he knew that the separation announcement was coming, which is why he's been "lying low" in a five-star Beverly Hills hotel for the past few days. [Us, NYP, E!]
♦ How's Guy doing? Don't worry about him: He could walk away with as much as $250 mil. in a settlement since he and Madonna never had a prenup. [NYP]
♦ A sex tape starring Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi may be out there, although Cook's lawyers are still saying he has "no knowledge" it exists. [P6]
♦ David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have officially split up. We're as shocked as you are [E!]
♦ Raffaello Follieri didn't just swindle adults. He also tricked a 15-year-old girl by promising to get her Anne Hathaway's autograph and then never coming though. Now she's suing him. [NYDN]

• Britney Spears' last tour led to $34 million and a descent into insanity. This time around she just wants the money. [Billboard]

Why does former tabloid queen Bonnie Fuller think Britney Spears is "more civilized" than Sarah Palin? Because she reads, or so says Fuller: "Criticize Britney all you want for her bad choices in men and her barefoot trips to public restrooms, but you can’t accuse her of not reading. As any tabloid fan will attest, Britney has routinely been photographed carrying books—from, ahem, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue—Book 1." Well, that settles that! [NYT/The Moment]

♦ Is Lauren Bush supporting Barack Obama? Maybe. The niece of the president praised the Democratic nominee in a recent interview and she decided against using her family name for her new clothing line, Lauren Pierce, taking her grandmother's maiden name instead. [P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are either engaged or splitting up, depending on what you read. [Daily Mail, MSN]
♦ Marc Jacobs is supposedly jealous that his ex, Jason Preston, is dating someone else, even though he has a new boyfriend of his own, too. [P6]
♦ He can't afford a plane, but Diddy did get to upgrade to a new Rolls-Royce last week. [P6]
♦ In a new memoir, Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch) says she used to trade sex for coke. [NYDN]

Actor Tobey Maguire has had another confrontation with the ever-dogged paparazzi, this incident ending in bloodshed. Apparently, his friend punched some photographer and was hauled off to jail. This is the second such outburst for the Spider-Man star, but he's not the only one to lash out at the wicked, prying photogs and their gaggle of flashing lights and inane questions. After the jump take a took at five other celebrities who have stood up and barked "No!" at the insidious rabble.

The Great Depression wasn't all bad! There was jazz, big band, cabaret, Irving Berlin and tops and tails! Art deco and modernism! So as we slide toward economic catastrophe, let's all nostalgically embrace the elegance of the era so we can stay in denial about the hobos, soup kitchens and fascist and communist rebellions that will soon be upon us. We've already suggested staging rent parties and carrying flasks, plus some songs about hard times and various relevant movies. But nothing quite says "Great Depression fun" like Weimar-era cabaret, which is probably why Max Raabe and a Berlin orchestra are again traveling around America and calming the former middle class with pop songs remade to sound at home in 1930s Berlin. Raabe's Depression-ey cover of Spears' "Oops, I Did It Again" is just the thing to put on your "turntable" when friends gather for some moonshine in your Victory Garden. It's like Wall Street is serenading you! Sample the song after the jump.

Nothing says "Comeback" like full-on, baby-oiled nudity! Britney Spears' hotly (?) anticipated "Womanizer" video is out. She dances, she sings, she beats up dudes while wearing really high heels. What more could anyone ask for? Check it out after the jump.

We're not sure what precise incident Britney Spears would finger in identifying her definitive "rock-bottom moment"—there were just so many, they probably all blurred into a single, scarring memory of her bald, pantieless self attacking a hunky music video extra in a hot tub with an umbrella surrounded by a horrified VMAs audience as her swarthy paparazzo lover videotaped the erotic trainwreck from a safe distance. But we're happy to now report that there's good news. No—great news:With the exception of a lingering headache involving an invalid driver's license, the singer's Troubled Past™ is quickly receding, like two children accidentally abandoned at a Malibu rest stop in the rear-view mirror of a convertible Mini Cooper. Last November came the release of her shockingly well-written, well-produced, and well-performed album "Blackout"—a career-topper that, sadly, the singer could barely be bothered to throw her support behind, eventually requiring the use of a complex lever-and-pulley system just to the recreate the illusion of pole-dancing in its debut video. What a difference a year makes, then, as a VMAs-triumphant Spears is putting the final touches on her new album, "Circus," looking better than she has in several comebacks. MTV has a 90-minute documentary set to air on the eve of the "Circus" release—punnily titled For the Record. In the preview clip above, a seemingly compos mentis Spears asks the question we've been longing to hear: "I'm a smart person, what the hell was I thinking?" We think it's a rhetorical question, but we'd be happy to offer our best guesses: Barefoot in a roadside public restroom: "Oh, whatever, it's not like I'm going to be in there more than a few minutes." Driving with an infant in her lap: "And this button sprays wiper fluid! Wheeee!" Shaving her head: "But I do know Mandinka." The crotch shots: "Bam! Say hello to Bergina Spears!" The VMAs 2007 performance: "Hang in there, girl, it's almost over. Just do what the girl next to me is doing. Wait—that's a mirror." Dating Adnan Ghalib: Sorry, we have no fucking clue.

♦ Angelina Jolie can be seen breastfeeding on the cover of the upcoming issue of W. Brad Pitt is the one who took the pics. He's also the one who convinced Angie to have kids of her own, she says. [NYDN, People]
♦ A judge denied Christie Brinkley's request for a temporary restraining order that would bar Peter Cook for seeing their kids this weekend. He did rule that Cook cannot "expose" them to his 20/20 interview. [People]
♦ Sarah Palin is set to appear on SNL on October 25th. [Cindy Adams]

♦ Michael Phelps is telling people he's single even though he's actually dating Miss California runner-up Nicole Johnson. [R&M]
♦ Peter Cook's interview with Barbara Walters airs on Friday, but Christie Brinkley's lawyers now say he violated a confidentiality agreement by speaking with the network. [OK!, ABC News]
♦ Hugh Hefner says his relationship with Holly Madison began to crumble six months ago when they found out his sperm count was too low to father any kids. Also, he's already auditioning new girlfriends. [E!]
♦ Anna Wintour's latest celebrity obsession? Gerard Butler. [P6]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Mmother of two Britney Spears was spotted at Melrose vintage shop Wasteland to tweak her new look ever so slightly. Spears felt a set of glasses could help cash in on the Sarah Palin craze sweeping the nation. Much to Spears’ dismay, she couldn’t find a pair of glasses that convey the right blend of sass and conservatism. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.