• Jeffrey Epstein is a free man—sort of. The billionaire money manager, who was sentenced to 18 months for soliciting a minor for prostitution, is now working at the office of his non-profit foundation five days as a week as part of a work-release program. [P6]
• Mort Zuckerman became a dad for the second time on Friday with the birth of a daughter named Renee Esther. [NYDN]
• Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey's frosty relationship has turned into "outright contempt" since Baldwin mocked Fey's scar at a recent photo shoot and told the photographer to "get ready to do a lot of airbrushing." [Star]
• Suri Cruise gets 100 fan letters each day, you'll be creeped out to learn. [Star]

• Both Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman have active cases of herpes, reports Page Six, something you should probably keep in mind in the event either woman tries to plant a kiss on you. [P6]
• William H. Macy will take over for Jeremy Piven in Speed-the-Plow now that the Pivster has overdosed on sushi and will need to take time off to cleanse his sacred temple from mercury. [NYP]
• Marci Klein, SNL producer and daughter of Calvin, is calling it quits with her husband of eight years, Scott Murphy. [P6]

♦ Amy Poehler and husband Will Arnett became parents for the first time on Saturday when Amy gave birth to a son, Archie. [Us]
♦ Madonna is in "meltdown mode," and asked her assistant to gather all the items she received from Guy Ritchie so she can "bury them." Guy, meanwhile, has reportedly said the couple's marriage began to disintegrate when she started planning their sex life around her workout schedule. [MSNBC, Daily Mail]
♦ Jennifer Hudson is offering a $100,000 reward for the return of her nephew, who went missing on Friday when her mother and brother were fatally shot. [People, Access Hollywood]
♦ Lindsay Lohan doesn't want people thinking she's a lesbian just because she's dating a girl. [NYDN]

Everyone's favorite self-styled yet mildly unhinged teen role model, Atoosa Rubenstein, has brought new life into the world. The Daily reports that Toos and husband Ari "welcomed their first child Friday night, a daughter named Angelika McQueen Rubenstein." Which means the family share initials, just like that other hirsutely classy clan, the Kardashians. We can only hope that Atoosa, Ari and Angelika are fielding reality show offers as we speak. [The Daily]

• Kyle MacLachlan and Desiree Gruber are officially parents. The Desperate Housewives actor and Project Runway executive producer had a son named Callum Lyon MacLachlan on Friday. [Us]

Reps for Ethan Hawke have confirmed that the actor's wife (and the former babysitter of his two kids with ex-wife Uma) gave birth to a baby girl last Friday. Welcome to the world, Clementine Jane Hawke! [People]

Congratulations this morning to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the latter of whose womb has reportedly yielded its blobby, twinsy bounty at last. We think. It's official, isn't it? The Chosen Two are here? After InTouch called it Saturday afternoon, Extra overrode it an hour later and the rest of the world simply hedged somewhere in between until Jolie's exhausted doctor fled the delivery room craving a stiff drink, we can finally, confidently move on to the postgame show. Select reactions, including an overjoyed grandfather, and a French bureaucrat with paperwork, after the jump:

Oh mah gawww y'all! Britney Spears is an aunt! Jamie Lynn Spears, sister to gumball-filled ex-singer Britney, has spurted out a baby! The 17-year-old GED-certified ex-Nickelodeon star welcomed daughter Maddie to the steamy, southrun world in McComb, Mississippi this morning. Britney and family were there, along with Jamie Lynn's fiancé and baby daddy, 19-year-old Casey Aldridge, a pipe layer (hahahaha! seriously that's his job! a pipe layer!) Spears' pal (and fellow member of the Tabloid Class of 2010) Miley Cyrus, said that she's "proud of her." So, another addition to this noble bloodline. We personally wish the happy new family all the best. We professionally wish them all the worst.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren apparently aren't playing along with the latest "hasty media retraction" trend in celebrity parenting, instead just blithely going along with reports that Alba gave birth this weekend to the couple's daughter Honor Marie Warren. As the actress was due in late May, however, we have no reason to doubt the Bronze Child is among us: "Alba's father was overheard saying, 'She's beautiful,' " US Weekly reported in a bulletproof dispatch from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. "Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday."

· Nicole Richie and That Guy From Good Charlotte had a bouncing baby girl and, as celebrities are wont to do, gave her two middle names. The diet for both mother and daughter begins tomorrow!
· I drink your milshake (dot com)!
· American Psycho gets a cuddly makeover (via BWE).
· Ever find yourself wondering what Paris, Britney and Lindsay would do if they used their powers for good instead of evil? Vh1's exceptional "Celebrity Eye Candy" has the answers. Now if only they had a website!
· Now that it's almost the weekend and you'll finally have some time to kill, take some time to peruse Slate's Movie Club.
· Jessica Alba like WHOA!
· And Maila Nurmi, best known as Vampira, died today at the age of 86. All we know is that Elvira better show her face at her funeral.

Go on, indulge yourself for a second: HOLY SHIT BRITNEY SPEARS POOPED OUT A BABY BOY!!!! Mother Nature has turned her back on the human race!

Though it would seem that the world has finally come to terms with the fact that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes managed to orchestrate some sort of birth, there's still much confusion over the origins over their new daughter's name, Suri. Cruise's spokesperson has said that the name Suri has origins in ancient Hebrew as a variation on Sarah (hence the Kabbalah explanation), but its direct Hebrew meaning is less complicated:

It's a small city in upstate New York known for its cold winters and eponymous university.

Frank Swertlow, an L.A. reporter for we-don't-stoop-to- invading-celebrities-lives People magazine, photographed the other day outside the Cruise compound. Sent in by a West Coast snitch who successfully persuaded us of its authenticity.

• After her baby Sean was effectively dropped on his head, Britney Spears looks to sue the makers of the high chair the child had been in. If only she could sue the makers of retarded white trash, too. Then all her problems would be accounted for. [Scoop]
• Oh, yeah — Brooke Shields also had her baby yesterday. Just to spite Tom Cruise, Baby Grier (that's a girl's name, apparently) is already on antidepressants. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Spikey-haired producer Brian Grazer has filed for legal separation from his wife Gigi — but not divorce. Pussy too scared to take it all the way? [TMZ]
• An elevator at the Gansevoort hotel was overcrowded, causing a free-fall that stopped between the fourth and fifth floors and forced everyone to pry their way out. That's what happens when you have 18 drunken Eurotrashers in a confined space. [Page Six]
• Eminem is devasted after the death of his friend, D-12 rapper Proof. The death should be an uplifting occasion — now Proof has street cred in heaven. Meanwhile, his ex-wife has taken to emailing Star magazine. No wonder he's suicidal. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie, lesbian sex, exotic dancers, heroin, death — just another day in 1995. [Page Six]

Spotted last night on the Upper West Side. We understand their sauteed placenta is delicious.

Just to clarify the reports ranging from Us Weekly to the Associated Press, all of which include the following information from Cruise spokesbot Arnold Robinson:

Mission Impossible, frighteningly accomplished: the TomKat has silently brought a new life into this world. According to a remarkably well-timed statement (placenta? What placenta?) from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the pair are in posession of a brand-new baby girl (point goes to People for breaking it first). The press release is thin on details like, say, when exactly the child was born, but the poor thing weighed in at 7 pounds and 7 ounces and is reportedly named Suri, which means "doomed" in Hebrew and "utterly fucked" in Persian.

Another day, another unfortunately named celebrity baby, as actress Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to her second child with Coldplay singer Chris Martin. While the newborn does not have an edible name like that of his big sister Apple, the couple has done their best to ensure their child a life full of misery — the baby has been named Moses Martin. You might think this is an homage to the Old Testament, but remember: these are celebrities, and famous people just don't think like that. We suspect the Moses choice has more to do with a popular song of the same name from Coldplay's Live 2003 album. If so, Babies Proof and Yellow can't be far behind.

[Via the wits at the NY Daily News, NY Post, Calgary Sun, E! Online, and Ridiculopathy]