Dan Barry's Times profile of Billy Joel takes the usual tack: Despite the singer's massive and enduring success, bottomless wealth and wife 30 years his junior, he's just an insecure schlub from Long Island who worries about what people think of him:

When fighting a highly publicized custody battle with the modeling industry's reigning Good Girl Next Door, it's probably not the smartest move to give Al Goldstein and Larry Flynt a run for their money as dirtiest old man. But that's just what pervy adulterer Peter Cook did yesterday while testifying against original Uptown Girl Christie Brinkley. Providing us with a handy preview of Rob Lowe's inevitable court date fighting for his straight-laced honor, the hottie architect let loose a series of confessions involving adorably vintage tales of web cam masturbation, office sex, and hush money hidden behind paintings. Read on for the sordid admissions that caused Cook to reach for a hankie and cry jurors a river.

Joel might be one of the most accomplished singer-songwriters of his generation, but in recent years he's been better known for his booze-fueled misadventures and much-younger wives.

Billy Joel on his child-bride Katie Lee Joel's singing abilities: "I just nod my head. I'm glad she's a good cook." After the cutaway: "Yeah, she's no Alexa Ray Joel, my daughter who's about her age!," Billy continued, and then Katie whispered the word "prenup" really softly under her breath through a taut uber-whitened smile, and then he rubbed the small of her back nervously and shut up. Thanks, "Extra"!

• Rich ladies are miffed that social-lites Olivia Palermo and Tinsley Mortimer, who were supposed to host that Darfur benefit Josh and Nikola dragged themselves to, were no-shows. "We think the only people who truly suffered from their selfish no-shows are the poor citizens of war-torn Darfur," one organizer hissed to Page Six. Seriously, talk about adding insult to injury. [Page Six]
  

When Billy Joel played a concert at the Ross School in East Hampton on Saturday night, he did so to an audience that supposedly had paid $3,000 a piece to see him. The not-so-dirty non-secret is that hardly anyone actually paid for tickets. Certainly Mary-Kate Olsen, crunched up to the front of the stage and looking like a tiny bejeweled bonobo, didn't. Jon Bon Jovi, looking older and hairier than we had ever seen him, probably didn't. Ditto for Steve Guttenberg. Then again, does Steve Guttenberg pay for anything ever? Though the Lizzie Grubman folks firmly refused our photographer Laurel Ptak entry, she did capture the weird scene outside of the concert. It was kind of like "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" but with "Piano Man" in the background. Most of the ladies were Eastern European models and had no idea who Billy Joel was. Most of the men would have, in any other context, taken the question "What's your favorite Billy Joel song?" as an affront to their sexuality and have punched you. But things work differently here in the Hamptons. One fella in a striped shirt gamely responded, "Rocketman. That's my favorite song." Well, maybe it's ours too. After, everyone drove drunk.

Help needed! This weekend our billionaire photographer Laurel Ptak and I are heading out to the Hamptons to document what exactly goes on at Peggy Siegal's movie bashes and at Ross School benefits. But the College Humor "estate" is all booked, ditto for Deb Schoeneman's, and the MTV estate in Water Mill. (Bullet dodged!) We kind of need a place to crash, and an adventure? If you have an extra room/couch/deck chair, let us know at josh@gawker.com! Sadly, sexual favors can't be guaranteed. Or not guaranteed.

• He's cute, okay, but he's no Brad Pitt. [People]
  

• Yes, former N'Sync member Lance Bass — formerly known as the "one that wasn't Justin" — is out of the closet. Go and watch video footage of him being gay! [TMZ]
• After going into false labor, Britney Spears realizes she needs to "cut down on the Cheetos." She needed to go to the hospital for the tip-off? Wouldn't a mirror have sufficed? [Scoop]
• John Edwards sucks up to Russell Simmons for the African-American vote, accompanying him to his daily Jivamukti Yoga class. If there's one candidate we could tolerate in a downward dog, it would have to be Mr. Sunshine. [Lowdown]
• Tori Spelling won't even inherit a million dollars of her late father's $500 million estate. It's suspected that Tori's bitchtastic mother cut her out of her father's will, leaving poor Tori to survive on 90210 residuals and So NoTORIous peanuts. [Us Weekly]
• Christie Brinkley's philandering fourth husband Peter Cook once refused to give Alexa Joel, Brinkley's daughter with Billy Joel, a ride home at 11 PM. Cruel — god forbid she ride with her father at that hour. [Page Six]
• Madonna must shit only where no one has shit before: she requests a brand-new toilet seat, wrapped in plastic, at every venue where she performs. [R&M (last item)]
• B. Smith, "the black Martha Stewart" (is that an oxymoron?), is jockeying to replace Star Jones as the token woman of color on The View. [Page Six]

What you missed during Billy Joel's talk at the 92nd Street Y last night:

· Creepy: Billy Joel's new girlfriend bears a strong resemblance to his daughter. [Page Six]
· Leona Helmsley's grandson, who she reportedly ostracized for marrying someone who wasn't Jewish, is back in her good graces. [Page Six]
· First Niece, Lauren Bush, is being grounded in New York due to "security concerns." She's not allowed to study abroad in London or do European fashion shows. [Page Six]
· A portent of things to come: Teddy Roosevelt's pit bull Pete tore off the French ambassador's pants during a White House reception. [Cindy Adams]
· Robin Williams on what to do with Saddam: "Let [him] run a movie studio. He can make bombs there." Joe Millionaire got booed at the Knicks-Warriors game when he appeared on the GardenVision big screen. Ex-City Councilman Andrew Eristoff is selling memorabilia from his political life on eBay. [NY Daily News]