The SEC's inspector general finally released the full 477-page internal audit on Bernie Madoff's misdeeds and how the SEC completely missed the mark on catching them. How badly did they completely screw the pooch on this one?

Plum TV's Nick Leighton gave himself a tour of Bernie Madoff's house in Montauk this week, which can now be yours for $8.75 million. Leighton isn't all that impressed by the decor, not surprisingly. ("I think this was last renovated before I was born," he says). But he does uncover some better news in the master bath: There's great water pressure in the shower! [PlumTV]

• Tom Flexner, a former vice chairman of Bear Stearns who joined Citigroup in April of 2008 to oversee its global real estate investment banking business, has closed on the sale of his four-story townhouse at 136 East 80th Street. The three-bedroom home, which Flexner first listed for $12 million last July with broker Kirk Henckels, and which went into contract to sell in May, sold to one Regan Fitzpatrick for $8.3 million. [Cityfile]
• Real estate investor Michael Hirtenstein has paid $16.8 million for five units on three floors of the Enrique Norten-designed One York, which he's planning to combine and use as a place to host "philanthropic events." [NYP]

When you heard that someone had written a book with intimate details about Bernie Madoff's anatomy, you probably thought to yourself, I better get to the bookstore the first day it comes out or I'll miss my chance! Oh, you didn't? You weren't the only one. Only about 2,000 copies of Sheryl Weinstein's tell-all have sold since it was published a couple of weeks ago. And the three other Madoff-related books haven't fared well either. [AP]

Sheryl Weinstein thought she had a hit when she wrote about her affair with small-penised Bernie Madoff. She was wrong. The book has sold only 2,000 copies. And other Madoff-related books are also tanking, according to Nielsen BookScan. [AP]

A CBS News camera crew caught up with Mark Madoff on the streets of Soho yesterday! Bernie's son refused to answer questions, which is hardly surprisingly. But his appearance spoke volumes.

Sheryl Weinstein had an affair with Bernie Madoff. Then Bernie stole all of Sheryl Weinstein's money and she wrote a book about fucking him although he has a small penis. Sheryl's husband is not happy about this, but he understands.

The world's most unfortunate husband, Ron Weinstein, has a few thoughts on the book his wife Sheryl decided to write about having an affair with Bernie Madoff. Yes, he says, he tried to talk his wife out of writing it. And yes, detailing Bernie's penile dimensions "was trashy." But "affairs are commonplace," he says, and really "shouldn't be such a big deal," although in this case he concedes it's a bit complicated since the man she happened to have an affair with is also "the biggest crook in the world" and stole all of Weinstein's money.

You could be the proud new owner of The Madoffs' Montauk beach estate, for the low low price of $8.75 million or so! Click through for a photographic tour of your future party pad—including the sexxxy room!

Bernie Madoff's Montauk home goes up for sale this week. A spectacularly lavish retreat it is not. According to the AP, it's "cottage-size by superrich standards" and full of "faded furnishings," an impression echoed by the Times, which describes it as "less grandiose than one might expect given the scope of Mr. Madoff's $60 billion scheme."

Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan Chase, may be the "accidental media mogul," in the words of Keith Kelly. But it's also fair to say he's done a good job establishing himself as the "accidental beneficiary of fraud," too. According to a finance professor who's been poring over documents in the Bernie Madoff case, JPMorgan Chase racked up $483 million in profits between 1992 and 2008 thanks to the fact Madoff was a loyal JPMorgan Chase customer for all those years, and he used his various accounts with the firm to store billions of dollars. Sadly, Madoff's unwavering loyalty to the bank has yet to result in Dimon renaming the Chase branch at Madison and 64th Street in Madoff's honor. But if you stop by and you feel the ghost of Bernie in the air, let us know. [FT Alphaville]

Anna Wintour wants to stay out of the limelight, Lily Allen's friends talk trash, and Mel Gibson's girlfriend's unborn child is totally making her fat. All that and more in your Wednesday morning Gossip Roundup!

Bernie Madoff's former mistress, Sheryl Weinstein, tells the AP that she plans to mail a copy of her disturbingly graphic new book to Madoff in prison. How thoughtful! "If the prison bubble has so far shielded him from realizing that the whole world is mocking his penis, that will end soon." [NYM/Daily Intel]

Famed Madoff affair-haver Sheryl Weinstein demonstrates the rapid motion that earned Bernie Madoff the nickname "Winky Dink." So when does she whip it out?

Just when you were hoping that you'd be spared any more detail about Bernie Madoff's anatomy, comes, yes, more uncomfortable info about the fraudster's bedroom behavior courtesy of his former mistress, Sheryl Weinstein. Yesterday, we heard that Madoff's penis "would fit easily inside the opening of a single-serving honey jar that sits on a hotel room service breakfast tray." Today, Weinstein appeared on Good Morning America to tell Chris Cuomo that Madoff was a good kisser. ("Just what I wanted to know about him," responds Cuomo.) She also explains why she felt the need to write the humiliating memoir. She says she did it to "make things up" to her family. A simple "I'm sorry" greeting card wouldn't do? [Dealbreaker]

Bernie Madoff lovah and sexxxy tell-all writer Sheryl Weinstein is dropping more sexxxy bombshells about hot animal love, with Bernie Madoff! Ruth Madoff gets proven more innocent every single day.

The Bureau of Prisons says Bernie Madoff "is not terminally ill, and has not been diagnosed with cancer." And it claims that the NY Post story that said so based on anonymous prison snitch testimony is "full of inaccuracies." No!

Bernie Madoff may not be dying of cancer, after all. The Federal Bureau of Prisons just released a statement on the subject, and it's denying the report in today's Post that the fraudster's days are numbered:

Bernie Madoff's post-criminal career has been filled with indignities: house arrest, poverty for his wife, and unflattering penis size revelations. And now he may have cancer. Which would be worse than all of the above, yes.

Bernie Madoff is not doing well. Not just because he's behind bars, where he'll remain for the rest of his life. But because he's suffering from pancreatic cancer and "doesn't have long to live," say several of his fellow inmates who spoke with the Post: