How many American butts had to develop "hard lumps, ripples, skin discolorations, and infections" before alleged, unauthorized butt enhancer Kimberly Smedley was arrested by federal agents last month? Perhaps we'll never know. But we'll definitely sleep more soundly knowing that America's butts are being protected from her silicone-stuffed syringes.

At Bangkok's only government-approved body-slapping beauty shop, Khemmikka Na Songkhla will repeatedly slap a woman in boobs, butt, or face, to improve shapeliness and size. During a demonstration for the Bangkok Post, she explains that this is an "ancient art," but "ancient people didn't share it much because back then people didn't care about breast size." Consequently, "the only one who can practice this wisdom" today is Songhkla.

Meet Roland Bunce, of Belfast, Northern Ireland! Roland, uncharitably described by The Sun as "this fat bloke," is has won the voting round of this year's "Make Me the Next Model" competition, by about 65,900 votes.

Orrin nutrition! Vitamin ratings! Blackwell jetski! Olean o-fat! Loyalty benefits! Poison competition! Bulgarian method! Supreme diabetes! And MMA workout secrets of the stars! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from the sidelines!

Samurai workout! Kids sleeping! Plastic man-surgery! Lap teen-bands! Abortion fluctuations! Smallpox preservation! New aspirin! Disabled children! And the best sunscreens, revealed! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Dove VisibleCare body wash: "Visibly more beautiful skin." Bye-bye black skin, hello white skin! (Scrub hard!) Can this ad possibly be real? Some people think it is! We've emailed Dove's representatives for confirmation, and we'll update with their reply. If real, this could be the most (unintentionally) racist skin care product ad in... about ten months.

Men! The makers of vajazzle crystal designs have heard your prayers, and answered them with "Pejazzle," a line of "stick-on crystals just for men." They go above your penis, to make it prettier!

Aveda makes its money by selling expensive beauty products to touchy-feely yuppies, like you. And if there's one thing yuppies like you love, it's rationalizing your purchase of an expensive beauty product by telling yourself that it's helping some good cause, somehow. And if that good cause is kind of bullshit... eh, you still got the beauty product.

A new meta-review of scientific studies over the past four decades reassuringly confirms that everything in our world is in perfect order: the beautiful people have every goddamn thing going for them.

Remember to include the Unilever corporation on your Christmas card list this year, ladies: without their groundbreaking research, you wouldn't know enough to be publicly concerned about the hideousness of your armpit region.

Pop music thingamajig Lady Gaga is known for her crazy outfits, but it seems like she has a thing or two to learn about her beauty regiment. She goes to sleep in her makeup every night.

Is your tween daughter looking homely? Want to get her started wearing makeup as early as possible—but also want to be sure she only wears all-natural makeup? You begged for it. The Wal-Mart corporation delivered!

A group of scientists believe they've figured out the "root cause" (ha ha) of male pattern baldness. It's witchcraft! No, actually, it's stem cells. And if you want to get rich off a "cure" for baldness, you'd better get cracking.

Did you know you are actually uglier if you don't get enough sleep? Yes, "beauty sleep" is real, according to a new study by a group of researchers. Swedish researchers, so you know it's true.

Don't have a natural unibrow? Don't worry! You can fake it, with "usma."

Yesterday, we brought you country diva Reba McEntire's amazing cover of Beyoncé Knowles' "If I Were A Boy" (listen here). During tonight's CMA Awards, McEntire performed the song live, moving the star-studded crowd to a standing ovation. Watch inside.

Do you have a gap between your two front teeth? Don't be ashamed! In fact, you should run quickly to your nearest modeling agency! That's right: Gap teeth are totally fashionable, right now.

Men! Even when they groom like women, they are pigs. Salon interviewed women who wax men's balls. One described a client get so turned on, she had to shoot him with a taser. Another said Christopher Hitchens is weirdly flexible.

Kim Kardashian to Allure magazine: "I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms… my entire body is hairless." Like one of those creepy cats. Or a blow-up doll. [Allure via JustJared]

Newsweek took a look a how the standard definition of beauty for women has changed over the years in their special report, The Beauty Advantage. This additional visualization of their findings is simply stunning to watch.