♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

• Tina Fey was "frosty" and "awkward" with John McCain on the Saturday Night Live set. Which is weird because McCain has been so polished and friendly in all his other televised appearances. [Scoop]

We told you to steel yourselves, and now here it is: following Whoopi Goldberg's sartorial lead, the other co-hosts of The View dressed up as men today for Halloween. Presidents, in fact! They even introduced themselves in character, which was a little bit awkward when Barbara Walters-as-George Washington babbled on about freeing her slaves in a manner so leading that she practically demanded Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd fall at her feet in exultant praise. Then, it was Elisabeth Hasselbeck's turn.Dressed up as Ronald Reagan, she offered a hearty, beyond-the-grave endorsement of John McCain (O RLY?) before Grandma Barbara led her into the weeds with a tortured Sarah Palin analogy and an appreciative Werther's Original. Then, as Hasselbeck is wont to do, she gave Joy Behar (as Teddy Roosevelt) a Cold War-worthy slam. Happy Halloween, ladies: who knew we could be frightened so early in the day?

The Horror! Here is what you have to look forward to tomorrow, America: The View has pretaped its Halloween episode, in which the ladies are dressed, ridiculously, as presidents. From left to right, we have Whoopi Goldberg as the wheelchair-bound Franklin D. Roosevelt, Joy Behar as Teddy Roosevelt, Sherri Shepherd as Abraham Lincoln on the penny, Elisabeth Hasselbeck as a drag king version of Ronald Reagan, and Barbara Walters as George Washington (with whom she once had a fabulous conversation as they snacked on crudités at a Dominick Dunne-hosted dinner party). Click through for full-size. [The View]

Many women, including Kristen Wiig and some chick from Sunset Tan, have tried to de-Speedo decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, yet it's clear to us that the swimmer has the most success with older ladies. It hasn't been long since one of network television's trophy wives rented Phelps as the decoration for a cougar pool party, but his Boniva-friendly appeal was at full power on today's edition of The View. Licking her lips, Barbara Walters sized Phelps's body up like it was a prize ham, barely able to contain herself at how big everything was. And then, when Phelps showed off his double-jointed arms? Let's just say it's a good thing producer Bill Gedde was on hand with smelling salts.

Steve Schwarzman's 60th birthday party last year may go down as the last, great party before the fall. Days after closing on what was then the biggest leveraged buyout in history, the $39 billion purchase of Equity Office Properties, the billionaire chairman of the Blackstone Group invited 500 people to the Armory on Park Avenue for a party that cost an estimated $3 million. A very long list of notables turned up—Donald Trump, Barbara Walters, Barry Diller, Lloyd Blankfein, Jamie Dimon—as did many of the people who have now become poster boys for the global financial crisis, like former Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal, ex-Bear Stearns chief Jimmy Cayne. Rod Stewart was paid $1 million to perform for the assembled guests; Patti LaBelle sang "Happy Birthday." And the room was designed to replicate Schwarzman's $40 million co-op at 740 Park Avenue. So does Schwarzman have any regrets now the economy has crumbled and he was depicted as a real-life Gordon Gekko in the relentless press coverage that followed?

Our breathless coverage of the backstage bitchfights befalling The View in these tense days leading up to the election have elicited what will surely go down as the Golden Age of View-Issued Denials. From Whoopi on Regis and GMA, to a very special "We All Love Each Other!" Hot Topic, to a show rep chuckling off our McCain T-shirt ban story, to Sherri Shepherd telling CNN the tales are as flat-out wrong as the Earth itself is flat, never before have the ladies doth protested so much. And yet, further reports of animus come. The Chicago Sun-Times ran a story yesterday claiming that things had "gotten so ugly, they only speak on air or when a camera is anywhere in their vicinity." Accurate? Yes, says a Defamer source who's managed to penetrate their inner kaffeeklatsch sanctum:

To your left, witness Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar in happier times at the 2006 launch party for Behar's book, which was for some reason entitled Sheetzucacapoopoo: My Kind of Dog. Sadly, peaceful scenes like that may be few and far between now, thanks to constant on-screen warring and, most especially, backstage battle royales. Yesterday, we brought you word from a Defamer operative about a behind-the-scenes fight between Behar and Hasselbeck that went down after cameras for The View stopped rolling. Now, another tipster has written in to corroborate the account, as well as add new details:

A lot of fighting happened in front of the cameras on today's heated installment of The View, but according to a tip we just received from a Defamer operative, it was nothing compared to what went on after the show was over. Our tipster says that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was upset that Joy Behar has been using The View to tout Behar's upcoming stand-up performance, and the conservative co-host demanded equal time in a confrontation that got ugly:

• Michael Phelps is dating Barbara Walters' assistant "Marina," with whom he went to college. Wait, that's a fake name right?? Is someone playing a trick on poor old Cindy Adams? [Cindy Adams]

Republican hearts raced this morning as conservative pin-up girl Elisabeth Hasselbeck told the audience of The View that she'd be showing off what she wears to bed every night. Would it be an oversized McCain/Palin '08 tee? A frilly nightgown from the Fox News gift shop? Or maybe even a fetching blue two-piece?None of the above! Instead, Hasselbeck settles in for a nice late-night viewing of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren wearing a clashing mix of baggy, patterned separates. Now, sadly, she must burn them, as her husband's recent laser eye surgery has rendered him suddenly aware of Elisabeth's retina-scorching ensemble. Worse than his reaction, though, is the disapproval from a scandalized Barbara Walters, who drops a few hints about what naughty things she might wear to bed. Barbara, that Victoria's Secret chantilly lace slip was meant for Ellen's eyes only!

Perhaps upset that Elisabeth Hasselbeck has usurped her crown as the most reviled woman ever to spout off on The View, Star Jones has warned the upcoming issue of Essence, "Star is back!" Batten down your hatches accordingly, then head into the mind of Star for her thoughts on everything from her gastric bypass ("If I had just been honest, there would not have been a backlash") to her pining, gay ex-husband ("I'm not in love with him") to...oh hell, we're just delaying the good stuff: Star slinging shit at the ladies of The View, who she deems "hateful"!

Peter Cook turned up on 20/20 last Friday to explain why he's not the "scumbag pervert that he's been painted to be," and explain why his marriage to Christie Brinkley devolved into a mess of epic proportions last summer. Cook says the dispute had nothing to do with money, he only cheated on her because he was "seeking a connection he wasn't getting at home," and that he's not really addicted to porn. Also: He has a brand new girlfriend, Suzanne Shaw, who his kids get along fantastically well with. We're sure. A clip of the encounter is to your left.

Last Friday, Howard Stern finally made an honest woman of his lady love Beth Ostrosky. US Weekly has the official photos from the wedding, which took place at Le Cirque and was attended by Barbara Walters, Billy Joel and Katie Lee, Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman, and Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, who officiated. What Howard's perennial sidekick Robin Quivers says was a "clever, creative, fun party" appears to have been marred only by Ostrosky's dress: The Georgina Chapman-created number, unlike the designer's usual romantic, ethereal frocks, looks like it should have been accessorized with platform stripper shoes and a pole—which, come to think of it, would have been entirely appropriate.

Yesterday's unlikely emergence of Sherri Shepherd as The View's new foil to Elisabeth Hasselbeck was no fluke! As you might be able to discern from the fierce, finger-wagging screencap up above, Shepherd set it off on today's program (and View producers helpfully sat the two budding rivals next to each other for maximum in-your-face screaming).As Hasselbeck again brings up this week's Republican talking points by linking Barack Obama to William Ayers, Shepherd goes ballistic, shouting, "Can we talk about poor judgment?" The evisceration of Cindy McCain's homewrecking ways that follows stuns Hasselbeck ("Wow, this is super personal now!") and even the unflappable Joy Behar, who rises and... mimes flashing the audience? We're not entirely sure, but now that The View has become a reliable daily source of politically-charged catfighting, we suppose some T&A wouldn't be entirely out of place.

For all too long, Sherri Shepherd has stayed relatively quiet on The View, keeping a low profile (except for the occasional blow-up at Bill Maher) and generally avoiding the sort of "flat earth" gaffes that would draw the pity spotlight away from her cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Today, though, in the midst of another Hasselbeck political rant about Barack Obama's association with William Ayers, a surprisingly prepared Shepherd jumped in to rebut the show's token conservative with a "Wait, wait, wait — no you don't!"Following her interruption with a laundry list of facts, dates, and counterpoints, Shepherd was eventually cut off by Barbara Walters, who was not ready for the cohost to do anything but smile beatifically and occasionally chirp, "Ludacris!" Is our little Sherri all grown up and ready for war? Watch out, Elisabeth: Sherri Shepherd's got a whole fleet of angel-babies at her command — and they're hungry!

Back when Rosie O'Donnell left The View, many industry watchers predicted the program would quickly return to its safe, easygoing roots (and that ratings would dive as a result). Oh, how they underestimated the Hasselbeck! The election year has provoked The View's resident Republican into a lather almost daily, whether she's obfuscating about Barack Obama or calling an unlikely moratorium on Sarah Palin discussion. In fact, things have gotten so heated lately that rampant speculation had Hasselbeck headed for Fox News, forcing her agent to issue a statement today:

Looks like that cooling-off period didn't take! On today's episode of The View, outnumbered McCain booster Elisabeth Hasselbeck finally let out the pent-up rage she'd so coolly kept under wraps during yesterday's Bill Maher appearance, lashing out at Whoopi Goldberg for voicing skepticism about vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.Sensing an opportunity to restore order in the most patronizing way possible, Barbara Walters immediately leapt into the fray (though not with hugs), lavishing backhanded compliments on Hasselbeck while muttering that she's "trying so hard" to understand her point of view. Sadly, Hasselbeck immediately blew whatever sympathy she'd gained from Walters's condescension by dodging a question about Sarah Palin with an answer that inspires booing from the audience. Defection to Fox News coming in 5, 4, 3...

With the rumor mill buzzing that a discontent Elisabeth Hasselbeck may vacate her cushiony seat on The View for the cool, hard Eames chair of Fox News, it's up to den mother Barbara Walters to restore order on the set of her chat show. True to form, Walters has eschewed hugging it out in favor of a more clinical approach; according to the Chicago Sun-Times, she's had to schedule a staff meeting to deal with the increasingly hot-under-the-collar Hasselbeck:

♦ It was the Metropolitan Opera's 125th opening night on Monday and so naturally a long list of recognizable faces trooped out for the occasion. In floor-length gowns and tuxes to walk the red carpet and watch Renée Fleming: Barbara Walters, Howard Stringer, Michael Bloomberg, Helen Mirren, Christie Brinkley, Faye Dunaway, Molly Sims, Taylor Momsen, Martha Stewart, Hilary and Bryant Gumbel, Henry Kravis, Mercedes Bass, Ann Ziff, Georgina Chapman (left), Helena Christensen, Jane Fonda, John Lithgow, Juliana Margulies, Joy and Regis Philbin, John Turturro, Parker Posey, Peggy Siegal, Ellen and Chuck Scarborough, Deborah Norville, Julie Macklowe, and Tory Burch. [Park Ave Peerage, NYSun, Wireimage, PMc]