Barbara Walters doesn't look 79, does she? Must be all that Oil of Olay that keeps her so youthful. Happy birthday, Babs! Others celebrating today: Will Smith is 40. Designer Thakoon Panichgul is turning 34. Our very own Secretary of Defense, Bob Gates, is 65. Heather Locklear is turning 47. Actress Aida Turturro is 46. Catherine Zeta-Jones is 39. Filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar is 57. Tate Donovan is turning 45. Cheryl Tiegs is 61. And Hugh Hefner's girlfriend, Bridget Marquardt, might as well move into a retirement home: she's 35 today.

This week on The View, Whoopi Goldberg has been cajoled into throwing caution to the wind and "dressing like a girl" (as Joy Behar so delicately put it). Yes, you read that correctly. Whoopi, whose style has been fondly described by our own Molls as "lesbian train conductor" chic, is trading in her Crocs and oversized collared shirts for Eileen Fisher dresses and patent red leather heels. Sure, she looks good. But her patronizing co-hosts are acting like a proud mother whose little Sally shed all that "baby fat" after being force-fed Nutrisystem for five months. "Look at you, girl, you're wearing a skirt!" cries Babs. "You're so sexy and hot, girl," chimes in Sherri. Gee, you can see Whoopi thinking, did I look that bad? [The View]

Though she's always been out on a limb as The View's resident conservative, Elisabeth Hasselbeck has found herself increasingly without allies over the past few weeks. First, she prompted a "Don't go there!" from an angry Whoopi Goldberg, then she sold out potential first lady Michelle Obama at a luncheon for Cindy McCain. And were the McCains grateful? Not so much! Why, it's enough to make a gal wonder if there's any place left to turn — and according to the National Enquirer, there is one deep, dark place:

Following John McCain's tough appearance on The View last week, members of the McCain family are finally taking their gloves off. First, wife Cindy complained at a fundraiser that Whoopi & Co. had "picked our bones clean," and now potential First Daughter Meghan McCain has waded into the fray, spilling to Jay Leno the dirt she gathered on the View hostesses from her own, separate appearance. Surprised to find she liked Joy Behar, she instead targeted Barbara Walters, whose cruel, passive-aggressive rules about hugging left Meghan very confused. Not as confused as we were, though, when Meghan was asked what problem her mother had with The View, and she enigmatically answered, "I just think there's a lot of estrogen on that show." Meow? [The Tonight Show]

Thought you were having a busy summer? Try catching up with Georgette Mosbacher. The Republican operative, co-chair of the RNC finance committtee, and three-time divorcée took off to Egypt in June at the request of Mrs. Hosni Mubarak. In July, she headed with pal Barbara Walters to Syria (which is not a "third world country," she'd like you to know), where she dined with President Bashar al-Assad and his wife Asma. Then it was off to Venice "to join Allison and Leonard Stern aboard their yacht the Lady Allison for a nine-day cruise of the Dalmatian Coast." Barbara and Georgie disembarked in Dubrovnik and headed home. But Georgette was back on the road two days later, heading to Brussels to meet up with General Bantz John Craddock, the Supreme Allied Commander, at NATO headquarters. Then? She headed to Kabul. Seriously.

• Guests at a Bridgehampton benefit thrown by Gwyneth Paltrow were upset they couldn't mingle with their A-list host on Saturday night, since she was sequestered inside the house and off-limits to partygoers. But the real reason she wasn't mingling with the crowd may have been because she ditched the party early to attend Mariah Carey's wedding bash at LA Reid's house. [R&M, Page Six, Fox411]

· The answer is probably no, but that didn't stop Seth Green from stumping Barbara Walters with what will surely go down as one of the slyest Lost resets you'll ever see worked into a talk show appearance. Also? We sincerely hope that someone breaks out the webcam when Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets around to watching Party Monster. That would make for the mother of all YouTube reaction videos. [The View]
· Speaking of former child stars, looks like Family Ties replacement kid Brian Bonsall has fallen on some tough times. [People]
· The Daily Show, whose track record for promoting female talent makes Lorne Michaels look like Helen Gurley Brown, is about to lose what little amount of female talent they have on staff. Emmy winner Rachel Axler, the only female writer they had on staff, will be making her way to the greener pastures of network TV as a writer for that Office spin-off that isn't really a spin-off. [Videogum]
· Character actor extraordinaire Larry Miller walks through some of his most memorable "Hey, It's That Guy" roles with The Onion's A/V Club. [A/V Club]
· I guess we can cross Claire Danes off the list of potential guest stars for the next season of Entourage. After all, we all know how much Johnny Drama hates top talls. [Best Week Ever]

The Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce case came up today on The View today, but Barbara Walters had a hard time describing what it was Peter Cook was exactly doing on the internet that got him in trouble. Walters' attempts to avoid the word "masturbate" below.

1) The ACRIA benefit at photographer Steven Klein's Bridgehampton farm, sponsored by Calvin Klein Collection and Vanity Fair, invited guests for "Cocktails at Sunset." A boldface-heavy crowd including Bruce Weber, Jessica Stam, Donna Karan, Daphne Guinness, Rachel Zoe, Elizabeth Saltzman, Francisco Costa, Kelly Bensimon, Padma Lakshmi (above right), Carol Alt, Calvin Klein, Joy Bryant, Karolina Kurkova, Olivia Chantecaille, Mary Alice Stephenson, Anh Duong, Sessa von Richthofen, Zani Gugelmann, Jackie Astier, Lucy Sykes and Euan Rellie, and committee member/host Andrew Saffir (above left) ate mini-burgers and tater tots, and bid on a Steven Klein print of Madonna from W magazine. [FWD/Style.com]

Page Six Magazine published a handy little charticle on some of the most powerful co-op boards in town and the board members who stand between you and that $20 million co-op.

"Barbara Walters is going to Syria on a diplomatic mission—unofficially, of course... [She] says she's been summoned to the Middle Eastern hot spot by President Bashar al-Assad of Syria." [Fox News]

In her memoir Audition, news anchor Barbara Walters reveals her affair with a married senator, as well as hooking up with Alan Greenspan. In the book's new audio version, however, the sex bits are left out! As Time says the audio version is "read with breathless earnestness," perhaps that's for the best. [Time]

· We suppose deep down we always knew Barbara Walters slept with every one of her subjects, but some kind of psychic safety-net always omitted Ellen DeGeneres from that list. [Ellen]
· The Rocker trailer features more flying cymbals to the crotch per minute than any comedy in history! [Variety]
· Among the amazing revelations in this Lou Ferrigno interview: CBS changed Bruce Banner's name to David because they thought Bruce "sounded too gayish." [USA Today]
· Blinded By Thongs is now what we plan on calling that band we've been meaning to start since high school. [The Smoking Gun]
·"There's a SIG alert on the 405, apparently a multicar pileup caused by...this can't be right...Eddie Murphy's giant head?" [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

A visit from Uncle Regis is always a happy occasion for the ladies of The View, but things turned uncharacteristically ugly when, in a discussion about their slim Daytime Emmy chances, Barbara Walters suggested that since "we're just so happy, and since we have"—gesturing to Whoopi Goldberg—"this one," their outlook was sunnier, presumably from the days when the presence of Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell turned off voters. Veteran panelist Joy Behar didn't quite read between those lines, responding, "I'll turn on you Barbara! I'll turn on you. She has to be kidding. I'll trip you. What—Whoopi's here so now we're gonna win?!" After some frantic earpiece pleading from the Viewmaster, things eventually returned to normal; but staying true to her word, Behar later extended one stiffened leg as Walters wandered into the studio kitchen for her post-taping cup of tea, sending the 78-year-old broadcast legend flying face first into a countertop and Splenda packets flying, and punctuating this premeditated act of brutality with the abrupt, five-word kiss-off, "There's your Emmy chances, bitch." [The View]

If you've not yet noticed, the media has been clogged with even more Barbara Walters than usual lately, the 78-year-old TV journalist and delightfully addled View ring referee doing overtime to plug her new memoir, Audition. (Defamer videographer and foremost Waltersologist Molly McAleer gives it three empty Hostess cupcake wrappers out of a possible four!) On last night's ABC tie-in special, Audition: Barbara Walters' Journey, Walters sat down with smarmy news anchor Charles Gibson for a one-hour trot down memory lane. (Sadly, it was trampled in the ratings by the bloodthirsty crowd who had gathered in Fox square to witness Jason Castro's dredlocked melon lopped off like a Rastafarian rugby ball.) Among her reminiscences, that default assignment for any young, ambitious journalist in the early '60s sporting a swell set of gams: a tour of Playboy Bunny duty, slinging buck-fifty cocktails and steaks while executing perfect Bunny-dips, all in the service of the fourth estate. Va-voom, Miss Walters. Va-voom! [Audition: Barbara Walters' Journey]

• There is no goddamned way animal-hating monster Paris Hilton actually said this to justify her alleged competitive need to conceive: "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."

· Today, an Oprah you simply cannot afford to miss: Watch as she, Gayle, Kelly Ripa's husband, and some other lady try to reach a consensus over when, exactly, Mariah Carey knew she was going to marry Nick Cannon. We know! We told you! [Oprah]
· Speaking of Mariah—just when it seemed her week couldn't get any better...[BBC]
· Gary Dourdan was officially charged with possession of heroin, cocaine and ecstasy, today. All of which he claims belonged to someone else. [Reuters]
· This just in! Amy Winehouse is out on bail after her recent drug-related arrest. She tried to claim they weren't hers, too, but Scotland Yard said, "No, no, no." LOL! [Guardian]
· Alan Rosenberg: The SAG talks have broken down. The livelihoods of thousands of working actors falls in your hands. So tell us...WHAT WAS MILEY THINKING?! [ca.reuters.com]
· The View is the catfight incubator that just keeps on giving. [Us Magazine]

Barbara Walters' rep on Star Jones' little old lady bashing: "I will not dignify this with a comment." [Showbiz Spy]

While promoting her new memoir Audition, famous interviewer and Dick Van Patten impersonator Barbara Walters went on the Oprah show and dished about affairs with senators, adultery, and formerly obese woman Star Jones. She said that Star was "so obese she could barely walk onto The View set." Ouch! And, true! Barbara then went on to confess that, yes, everyone was lying about Star's gastric bypass, respecting her wishes to pass off her sudden, enormous weight loss as the happy result of Pilates and dieting. Fair enough! The truth comes out! But, ruh roh, Star is of course a crazy person and very angry about this. Her nasty "shut up, old lady" response (from Us), plus video of the Barbara/Oprah interview, after the jump.

A torrent of emotion flooded Harpo studios today: Raw! Real! Emotion! as Barbara Walters laid herself open for all to see on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah, having gotten the distinct whiff of platelet-deficient blood, went directly in for the kill, insisting the 78-year-old sexual diarist divulge all the backstabbing goings-on at The View during the tumultuous period beginning with Star Jones's expulsion via medieval catapult, through to Rosie O'Donnell's Infamous Reign of Bipolar Terror. Walters goes on to paint a fascinating psychological portrait of the latter, who, robbed at a young age of her own mother, was cursed to a never-ending, Jungian search for her replacement. Anything could have set this emotional house of cards tumbling; in this case, it ended up being Donald Trump's "fat ugly face" material and Elisabeth Hasselbeck's unflappable patriotism that eventually snuffed the illusion that, all these years later, Rosie had found home. [Oprah.com]