Here is something you probably didn't know could happen to your human baby: feathers growing out of its neck.

Fucking suck it, England. America is having its own baby now, with no help from anyone. Jenna Bush Hager confirmed the news by making awkward jokes about her pregnancy on the Today Show – the American equivalent of sending out a formal announcement from Buckingham Palace—this morning.

Rumors continue to swirl that Gisele Bündchen has spent the last nine months in a state of utter pregnancy after the supermodel posted a Facebook update revealing she gave birth on Wednesday.

The Economist Intelligence Unit has ranked its list of the best countries to be born in in 2013. That's exciting for a number of fetuses out there, whose impending entrance into the world might just be made in the number one best place.

Bad news if you were planning on having a baby any time soon. Jessica Simpson is having all the babies now, so you'll have to take a number (and numbers 1 – 1000 are Jessica Simpson).

This afternoon a tipster forwarded us a Facebook post and link to a Google Doc, composed by a new mother, laying out some ground rules for the friends who will serve her.

THE BOTTOM LINE: There is evidence that large-scale catastrophes may influence birth and marriage rates, but in which direction is not clear.

Call me crazy, but I don't think it should be legal for adults to suck the blood from freshly circumcised baby penises. Alas, doing just that is a very important ritual for some Orthodox Jews. Called metzitzah b'peh, the process involves the mohel snipping away the foreskin and then sucking the blood from the penis to "cleanse" the wound. Obviously putting saliva on an open wound isn't considered an antiseptic practice in any realm of modern medicine, especially when that open wound belongs to an infant with a barely there immune system. Indeed, since 2002, metzitzah b'peh has been responsible for spreading Type 1 herpes, a very common condition in American adults, to 11 different babies, killing two of them and giving two others brain damage, according to ABC News.

Reese Witherspoon named her new baby boy Tennessee, probably because "he's the only 10 I see." Her other kids are 9's.

Reality star Snooki has given birth to her first son, Lorenzo Dominic LaValle. He emerged squalling, orange, and hounded by MTV cameras.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity.weaver@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

Garden Grove Medical Center employees thwarted a baby theft this weekend after Grisel Ramierez allegedly tried to walk out with a newborn girl she'd hidden in a tote bag. Ramierez had disguised herself in nurses' scrubs and led the newborn's mother to the bathroom, instructing her to shower before the doctor's examination. Once the mother left the room, Ramirez put the infant in her tote bag and was on her way out when the baby somehow set off an alarm after crossing an "imaginary line," which seems impossible if it was actually imaginary but, you know, technology is crazy these days.

Bai Yun, a panda at the San Diego Zoo, has just set a world record after giving birth to her 6th cub. Not the world record for sluttiest panda, although she has known many lovers; the world record for the largest collection of pandas born in captivity outside the species' native China.

Beyoncé was spotted shopping Wednesday with Earth's favorite and most important baby, Blue Ivy Carter.

A few weeks ago, the Food & Drug Administration released a statement on its Consumer Updates page reminding parents that becoming sunburned, dehydrated, or severely overheated is bad for a baby.

America's cousin who seems nice enough but your mom still doesn't want you to hang out with him so much, Matthew McConaughey, announced on Twitter Wednesday that he and wife Camila Alves are expecting their third child. He also took the opportunity to shill for a totally chill nonsense company he invented.

Adele has announced via her personal blog that she is with child. The father is boyfriend Simon Konecki, also British, also a singer, also often swathed in layers upon layers of fabrics while out strolling the streets of London.

The Drummer from Bad Company is set to become a grandfather once again, as People reports his daughter, Drummer from Bad Company daughter and star of Girls Jemima Kirke, is pregnant.

A 24-year-old woman in Spain gave birth to a baby boy — not terribly newsworthy, except for the fact that she'd already had an abortion.

Snooki is having a boy. But she "thought it was going to be a girl." With three months until B-Day, she and Jionni LaValle are torn between two names: Lorenzo or Jionni Jr. We personally think she should just name him Pizza.