The villainous Recording Industry Association of America, which loves to sue children for millions of dollars for downloading songs that deprived wealthy entertainers of a penny: what is their latest outrage? Pissing on the U.S. Constitution, naturally.

Pakistan's duplicitous president Asif Ali Zardari — also know as "Mr. Ten Percent" — is upset at the mere suggestion that Osama bin Laden was living a four-minute drive from "Pakistan's version of West Point" with anyone in his administration or security apparatus knowing anything about it. How dare anyone even suggest such an outlandish claim. In fact, Zardari is so confident in where he stands that he decided to write an op-ed for The Washington Post today to clear things up.

Are you sick of hearing about reality TV shock jock Donald Trump? Same here! But you've gotta like a little pointless swearing, and that's exactly what Trump did last night when his cross country shit show landed in Las Vegas, fresh off his triumph over Barack Obama. Speaking to about 1,000 Republicans, he waded deep into American foreign policy issues.

Apparently taking a cue from his daddy, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has dispatched troops, along with tanks and other armor, to the southern city of Deraa, which has been the focal point for anti-government protests and, in turn, deadly regime crackdowns. The above video was uploaded to YouTube this morning. Online activists also report hearing "artillery" fire over the phone from Deraa. From Reuters:

More on asshole Coroberto Cordero who stabbed a woman with a pen on a 2 train, according to police: "I was just trying to light my blunt, and the bitch wouldn't leave me alone. So I hit her." Classy.

Porn-lite purveyor Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild was cleared of civil charges in Florida yesterday morning for allegedly causing emotional distress after he filmed underage girls' boobs for his frat boy DVD empire.

You're treading on some bizarre, uncharted territory if Glenn Beck says you're making him "a little uncomfortable" with rants about bombing China and questioning whether or not Barack Obama is a secret Muslim without a birth certificate. But that's what Donald Trump has done, after his lengthy interview with Bill O'Reilly earlier in the week. Watch for yourself courtesy of "Birther Report," ha.

The Rush Limbaugh show is a sick affair, always and forever, but this is something special. Tens of thousands are already dead in the country, which is still facing the possibility of catastrophic meltdown in multiple nuclear reactors at any minute. Here's how Limbaugh, the same man who has the power to make or break any Republican politician on a whim, handled a dumb caller's question:

Likely-murderous Dutchman Joran van der Sloot — facing a first-degree murder charge for killing a young Peruvian woman, Stephany Flores last year — intends to use a "violent emotion" defense. Van der Sloot's lawyer says he lost it when he caught Flores looking at Natalee Holloway stuff on his laptop. According to the AP:

Former Libertarian congressman Bob Barr, who helped "manage" the impeachment of Bill Clinton, has found his life's calling: He's assisting murderous ex-Haitian dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier in his bizarre return to the island, which Barr calls "a personal trip."

Famous asshole Steven Rattner, the ex-reporter, financier and auto czar, has settled for $10 million over a kickback scheme.

Mustachioed Islamophobe Terry Jones has found some new friends in Britain and he's going to visit them. The extreme-right, Tea Party-friendly English Defence League has invited Jones to a party next year — and they even pretend to like Jews!

Cell phones are a hot commodity in America's prisons these days. Even Charles Manson was caught with one under his mattress in California's Corcoran State Prison. He's been texting people and even sang a song on one friend's voicemail. Listen!

Have you heard? Wall Street is getting its swagger back! But while this is obviously great news, it's been a long time since finance guys turned their swag on. So we've assembled a guide to help them!

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that the SEC will file a civil lawsuit against former New York Times reporter, car czar, and asshole Steven Rattner for his role in a pension kickback scheme. His downfall continues!

Mean old granny Patty Bigbee last week was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her grandson for $30K, after initially asking for $70K. Why would someone ever sell their grandson? So mom can get a new car, that's why.

A 45-year-old woman named Patty Bigbee was arrested yesterday with her boyfriend after they tried to sell her baby grandson for $75,000. After some haggling the buyer, an undercover police informant, got Bigbee to agree to $30,000.

So a couple of German guys are speeding in a rental car while sightseeing across America. Then a highway cop pulls them over. He even removes the Oakley blades! "You know the speed limit here, Germany Boy?" It gets worse.

The Department of Justice had to formally tell a bunch of xenophobic arsonists in Tennessee that yes, Islam is a recognized religion here in America. They're upset about a new mosque and are being encouraged by this prick. [Tennesseean]

Crazy Brooklyn rabbi Yehuda Levin, one-time Carl Paladino supporter, has withdrawn his backing after the Tea Partier sort of apologized for making homophobic remarks. Levin said he "almost choked" on a pastrami sandwich after hearing about Crazy Carl's apology.