· On September 1st, legendary Variety columnist Army Archerd is retiring after 52 years...and Var is picking up Liz Smith...who thinks Peter Bart is flipping off the LAT...the cafeteria over at Sony is really underrated, we've always thought. (As this lame homage illustrates, that three dot thing is harder than it looks. Someone give Larry King a raise!)
· From Photoshop joke to reality: Brad Pitt is Maddox's daddy now.
· Ashton Kutcher's acting and producing careers win him the top spot on Teen People's Young Hollywood power list, as the magazine conveniently ignores the fact that Kutcher is actually 47 years old.
· Hey, underwater unicorn!
·Ugg hatred wasn't dead, it was just sleeping.
· Whether this story is true or not, it's almost enough to make us feel bad for Scott Stapp. But then we remember the tune of "Arms Wide Open," and oh, how we laugh. One gets what one deserves after driving two hours to Gainesville to break off a piece of booty.

The unfailingly reliable National Enquirer reports that when Ashton Kutcher isn't regifting $3,000 Pottery Barn gift cards, Ugg boots, and garter belts (!) to his disabled brother back in Cedar Rapids, he and fiancée Demi Moore display a surprising curiosity about the human gastrointestinal system:

· Here's a Solomonic dilemma for you: If you buy a ticket to Ashton Kutcher's crappy movie this weekend (not Guess Who, the other one), he's going to model underwear; if you don't, he's likely to continue to say mindless shit in interviews to promote the movie. Which half of the baby do you want, the crying, snotty half, or the part that soils the diapers?
· We thought that the guy who spit in Jane Fonda's face at a book singing was engaging in some kind of misguided Vietnam protest, but as it turns out, he's just seen a rough cut of Monster in Law.
· We've got the feeling that this eBay item (or one like it) is going to come into play in the Michael Jackson trial at some point. [via BoingBoing]
· 4-20 Day revelers, you've been warned: Do NOT click on this link. Don't do it. Really. Not even a little. And if you do, a bag of Fritos will definitely not pop out of your monitor, as if by magic.

During promotion for the looming cinematic disaster that will be A Lot Like Love, Ashton Kutcher unburdens himself of the the tale of his half-assed, failed attempt to join the Mile High Club:

Yet another sign that your inclusive spiritual inspiration society is losing its heat: A movie studio is willing to spend 100K to erase its vestiges from your movie. MSNBC's Jeanette Walls reports that test audiences were so turned off by Ashton Kutcher's red string Kabbalah bracelet that Sony digitally removed it from the final cut of Guess Who. While this anecdote is certainly amusing, it's revealed a crucial weakness in the evil eye force-field that the bracelet supposedly provides. It seems that the string's bad-mojo-deflecting properties are dissipated by film, so the next you have a negative thought about a celebrity Kabbalist, make sure you focus that energy on a photographic image of them—if you give them the evil eye in person, it will likely just bounce off and strike a nearby Christian or (actual) Jew.

Demi Moore's publicist is still denying that Ashton Kutcher put his penis inside Moore, ejaculated, and that the sperm from said ejaculation then fertilized Moore's egg, resulting in a pregnancy. And, quite frankly, the rep is a little tired of denying it, OK? He snaps at Rush & Molloy:

According to People, Demi Moore's flack is already denying the pregnancy rumors: "Although having another child is something Demi would like to do, unfortunately she can't at this time say she is pregnant." That, dear readers, is about the weakest denial you will ever read. Better get to the Kabbalah Centre quickly, before they run out of blessed baby booties with one of God's 72 names on them. More interesting, however, is Ashton Kutcher's sleight of hand in deflecting the rumors by endorsing our pet theory about Mario Vazquez's mysterious American Idol exit:

Star magazine is reporting that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are going halfsies on a Kabbalah Bastard of Light™. The report says that she's eight weeks pregnant, but won't announce it officially until the third month—which leaves us with a good four weeks of half-hearted publicist denials. Since Star's report sounds like it might be the real deal this time (remember the other pregnancy rumors from back in June?), we really hope the flacks get creative this time. In fact, we'll even lend them a hand with a freebee. "The rumors that Demi is pregnant are completely unfounded. She's 42. Additionally, Ashton lacks the male reproductive system necessary to inseminate Demi; if you pull down his pants, he's smooth like a Ken doll."

Sure, it seems easy, but you have to blow David Geffen to get the PIN.

We'd expected as much, but Citysearch makes it official: A night with a rubbery chili dog is just as satisfying as one with Ashton Kutcher's pals and their overpriced sushi.

· Fresh from getting canned by Pat "The Iron Flack" Kingsley, former PMK/HBH No.2 Leslee Dart opens her own company—with a nice stable of her former PMK clients. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Ashton Kutcher looks to star in the drama Random Acts of Kindness, about a suicidal young man who is rescued by a reclusive novelist. The "rescued" in the logline suggest that the novelist doesn't fail in thwarting a Kutcher suicide, so interest in the project should immediately wane. [THR]
· Peter Sarsgaard joins Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx in the Sam Mendes Gulf War project, Jarhead. Sarsgaard probably won't get the opportunity for any on-screen Kinsey-style full-frontal antics, but then again, don't ask, don't tell, etc etc. [Variety]
· Touchstone Television rewards Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry with a three-year, seven-figure overall deal. What does ABC owe him for saving their network? [THR]
· Renny Harlin will develop and direct a film based the graphic novel Full Moon Fever, in which workers on the moon who are attacked by werewolves. The producers should probably double-check that Harlin is still alive before they start casting those werewolves. [Variety]

When a reader first spotted the automotive abomination known as the CXT (picture a Mack truck raping a Hummer) at The Grove a couple of months ago, we knew it was only a matter of time before some high-profile jackass started tooling around town in one. So color us utterly unsurprised that Ashton Kutcher, ever on the vanguard of useless Hollywood fads, is among the ridiculous behemoth's early adopters. If he really wants everyone in town to know what's going on underneath his man-skirt, it probably would've been cheaper to drive around Beverly Hills in a tiny, shriveled version of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

The Defamer Special Correspondent on Decor in Celebrity-Backed Restaurants files this special sneak peak at Geisha House, the new Hollywood eatery backed by the same gang of That 70's Show cronies that brought you Dolce.