Think about it, a little more: Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. It wasn't the best year for recruiters of Republican presidential candidates. And now that the deadline has passed in most early states to get on the primary ballot, there's no chance for anyone else to jump in. Unless the incompetent rich Republican donors "pull some strings," or whatever it is that the rich do in emergencies.

Shohn Huckabee is a 24 year-old Texas man who was arrested during a trip to Mexico in 2009, charged with drug trafficking, and given a five year prison sentence. He says that he was innocent, tortured by police and set up. His case became a cause celebre for activists, and he's finally been released after serving more than two years in Mexican prison.

Yesterday we told you that India was considering allowing evil box of doom Wal-Mart to open retail outlets in its cities, thereby destroying them. But having read our foreboding listicle of warning, the government has reconsidered. Even Wal-Mart's opponents are outraged at how ineptly the issue has been handled, politically!

Given Whole Foods' status as "one of America's best places to work (for herpes-union haters)," you might be surprised to hear that a couple years ago the company fired a whistle blower. And not just any old whistle blower, either, but a "poop leak whistle blower": a sewage sniffer-outer, a foe of feces fraud.

After a seven-month pause, SETI resumed its radio search for the aliens who've, officially, never met the president or littered corpses across New Mexico or built secret pyramids. Immediately, SETI found a possible alien base. What an amazing, non-suspicious coincidence!

Keep in mind is that Donald Trump has already won. He got the opportunity to moderate a presidential debate right before primary season, and two candidates have already accepted. To get even one candidate to accept an invitation to something so blindingly stupid and farcical would've been a once-in-a-generation political feat. Nevertheless, it's possible that the final head count may stop at two debaters, leaving the debate well short of maximum comedic capacity.

The Obama administration announced today, via a presidential memorandum and a speech from Secretary of State Clinton, that the United States will "use foreign aid as a tool to improve Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender rights abroad." This is a first! What does it even mean, though?

Being a carefree Republican gasbag isn't always as fun as it seems. All they want to do is call President Obama the worst names and insult his heritage. And yet personally attacking the president, as Republican strategists said in what was supposed to be a private conference call today, would seriously turn off the many swing voters needed to win a general election. Having to build majority coalitions on a national scale just takes the joy out of life, doesn't it?

India has an opportunity that America has already lost: the opportunity to not have Wal-Marts everywhere. Politicians, business people, and labor advocates in India are currently battling over whether or not to allow Wal-Marts to build retail outlets in their cities.

Mean old credit rating agency S&P put 15 European Union nations on a negative credit watch today, including once-safe countries like Germany, Luxembourg, and the Netherlands. Also: Malta. What if Malta goes under? "Lehman Bros. on steroids," probably.

What flavor of eternal hatred for Mitt Romney are Republican primary voters trying out this week? He's not merely a liar, an opportunist, a socialist, and a member of the Utahan Space Jesus cult anymore. Now he's also the dad who went out for cigarettes and never came back, or did come back, only to ignore you.

"What's it like to have sex with Herman Cain?" is one of the key unanswered questions of the 2012 presidential race. And now, thanks to former mistress Ginger White, we have an idea: Sex with Herman Cain is boring. And a little bit emotionally weird.

Last week the U.S. Senate passed 93-7 a version of the National Defense Authorization Act that includes provisions giving the military the right to detain you forever and without charge if they think you're some kind of terrorist. Consider it an early holiday present! There is no exchange policy, sorry.

Good news: The hopeless racists of Pike County, Kentucky's Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church have been overruled. After church leaders voted to ban interracial couples—starting with the above-photographed lifelong attendee and her Zimbabwean fiance—a larger group of church members declared the racist rule null and void, since church bylaws cannot run contrary to the law, including anti-discrimination laws. Thirty church members went on to pass a new resolution welcoming "believers into our fellowship regardless of race, creed, or color."

Two British judges have decided that Wikileaking lothario Julian Assange can petition the British Supreme Court to consider his appeal against extradition to Sweden, where authorities want to ask him about two alleged sexual assault incidents. This means he won't have to cancel his holiday plans, which included adapting the contents of diplomatic cables into Christmas carols (probably).

The slow, tortuous death of the U.S. Postal Service continues with news that mail will arrive slower than ever come this spring. (Seriously? There's a way to do that?) Even the old-fashioned luxury of seeing a stamped letter arrive within 24 hours of sending it will become a thing of the past.

Maricopa County, Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio has earned his status as "America's Worst Sheriff" mostly for being proactive in his awfulness and insanity. But he also deserves his title for the many things he does not do—such as "his job."

Last night Robert Pattinson went to the Los Angeles bar La Poubelle (French for "dirty cheater") and hung out with actress Sarah Roemer, who once worked with his accidental wife Kristen Stewart on a movie. Suspiciously, Stewart was not with them. Did they canoodle?

LA-based pepper-spray fashion designer Abbie Heppe used felt, puffy paint, and her knowledge of memes to create this topically festive "UC Davis Police Officer John Pike Casually Feeds Baby Jesus" holiday sweater. Now we want one! We love police brutality wear.

About 45,000 people evacuated Koblenz, Germany this weekend so that experienced detonators could safely defuse two World War II-era bombs that have been hanging out in the Rhine all these years, threatening their lives. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? Yet as far as drama and action goes, the operation was completely underwhelming.