You're like, "wait, I thought he "suspended" his campaign yesterday so he could focus on making a new website." That's all true, but just because he quit doesn't mean his supporters suspended their adoration of Herman Cain.

In the Land of Blood and Honey is being billed as Angelina Jolie's "writing and directorial" debut, but did she actually write it? Or did she adopt the movie's storyline from Bosnian-Croatian journalist/writer James J. Braddock's 2007 novel The Soul Shattering without his permission?

Koch-head Wisconsin governor Scott Walker's primary achievement during his first year in office: Inspiring a hundreds of thousands of citizens to protest him. It makes him look so bad! Now he wants to charge all those picketing Poors a fee every time they engage in some First Amendment-protected activity that involves showing how much they hate him.

Hyperactive pepperoni stick Herman Cain just emerged from his big-ass tour bus, theme song playing and teensy wife by his side, to take to a rental podium and announce that he's suspending his presidential campaign. You all distracted him with your accusations about affairs and leg-touching moments too much!

Former Penn State defensive coordinator and accused pedophile Jerry Sandusky needs to ask his hired private investigator (or a psychologist) to investigate why he continues talking to the media when he really should just shut the fuck up. Unless he wants us all to think he's guilty?

It only took about 15 months of "deliberation and prayer" after her husband was accused of coercing four teenage boys into sex for Vanessa Long, wife of Bishop Eddie Long, to seek a divorce. But, whoops, turns out God changed his mind!

Earlier this year when potential Republican presidential candidates were deciding whether to run, you'd hear a common excuse from those who chose not to: My wife didn't want me to!

Sure, why the fuck not? "Donald Trump is pairing up with Newsmax, the conservative magazine and news Web site, to moderate a presidential debate in Des Moines on Dec. 27." The Republican party's finally getting serious. (WOW.)

Herman Cain, who's currently having a conversation with his wife that unfortunately isn't available on pay-per-view, sent a note to supporters last night directing them to a new website feature: "Encouragement for Herman Cain." Aww, the poor guy's suicidal.

No big news yesterday, nothing to worry about, just one of the world's most successful investors warning that the developed world's economy is falling into a "deflationary debt trap" and "ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE" AAAAAGGGHHHHH:

Borders, America's second biggest book store chain, died this summer, its red-trimmed outlets sinking inexorably into a savage sea of red ink. (Beat that lede, Wall Street Journal!) For Barnes & Noble, the most popular book chain, this could be interpreted as good news: its biggest competitor was gone. Or, bad news: book stores are a dying industry.

The Republican Jewish Coalition is hosting a forum for our merry band of Republican presidential candidates next week. The contenders are expected to flesh out a broad range of opinions about Israel, its future, and its relationship with the United States. Oh, except for Ron Paul, who was not invited. It seems his "extreme views"—like how he would stop giving Israel a few billion dollars each year to purchase weapons from the American defense industry—would be too controversial even within the context of a debate of ideas.

Last night Michelle Obama unveiled this year's White House Christmas decorations and the first family lit the National Christmas Tree. It's no Rockefeller Center, but it's something! In honor of the holiday season taking over the country's most prestigious domicile here's a look at how 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, has looked over the years.

It's time for your daily dose of news about the important debates taking place in the World's Greatest Deliberative Body, the United States Senate. What critical public policy issues are its senior statesmen debating in good faith today? Who knows! Sens. John McCain and Chuck Schumer are pretending to fight over a Long Island joke, though. That's something, ain't it?

The bad news is that nearly 50% of people under 25 in Greece and Spain are unemployed. The good news is you don't live in Greece or Spain. The bad news is unemployment applications are rising here, too. The good news is that the federal government gives you 99 weeks of unemployment benefits. The bad news is, not for long! The good news is, you still have a job. The bad news is, one in five Americans believe they'll lose their job next year. The good news is, you're not one of them.

If you've ever consulted your own common sense, one of the things it probably told you was, "I bet that shitty schools in poor neighborhoods get less money spent on them, than schools in richer neighborhoods." At long last, the US Education Department has done a real live study on this topic. The shocking results:

Ubiquitous GOP "message guru" Frank Luntz is the guy who teaches Republicans how to kill things. When Democrats introduce a bill and Republicans decide that they'd like to kill it, for sport, they ask Luntz to come up with a couple of phrases to reiterate hundreds of times a day, so as to terrify the American people.

The Bronx's anti-gay New York state Senator Ruben Diaz Sr (center in the photo) nearly single-handedly held up gay marriage legislation in the state for years because he does not like gay people. Now, in an irony of ironies, a building in the Bronx named after him will now the the home of the Bronx Community Pride Center.

Julian Assange just unveiled Wikileaks' latest release, and it's embarrassing: A bunch of brochures and manuals they downloaded from public websites, and some stuff that the Wall Street Journal published last month.

Fartastical fraud victim Kris Humphries has pressed on with his belief that he was merely a plot device used by his temporary wife Kim Kardashian to boost ratings. "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have," TMZ quotes the genteel giant as saying. "I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show." It happens.