The State somehow got hold of emails between South Carolina's cheating governor and his Argentine mistress. It turns out Mark Sanford was quite the sweet-talker, what with his whispers about diesel engines, and swamps.

Jenny Sanford, wife of cheating South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, released her statement about his Argentinian affair, explaining that the reason she had no idea where he was this past week is because she kicked him out of the house.

The Oscar-winning composer of the sickly sweet "You Light Up My Life" is actually, prosecutors say, a dirty old serial rapist monster. We should have known.

Mark Sanford wasn't nude-hiking the Appalachian Trail. He was chilling in Argentina. He's just a regular-folks governor who jets to Buenos Aires for a week without telling his wife, abandoning his kids on Father's Day while his staff lies preposterously.

If only America had listened to Richard Nixon, the Republican Party wouldn't be in the trouble it's in. Because Barack Obama wouldn't have been born. He would have been aborted, because his mom was white and his dad was black.

"Craigslist killer" Philip Markoff was arraigned on grand-jury charges that include first-degree murder, robbery and two counts of armed kidnapping. As if Craigslist users needed another reason to feel jumpy.

It's a bold new future at the Huffington Post: investors have installed their own CEO; a CBS producer will launch a Gotham edition next month. Nevertheless, insiders are murmuring about belt-tightening, starting at the top.

Current TV freelancers Laura Ling and Euna Lee are locked in a North Korean prison. Do you know whose fault this is? That's right, the internet's! It's true.

Sick of haggling with an uncooperative union as an irretrievably dying paper loses more money every day, the New York Times Co. has hired an investment bank to sell off the Boston Globe. Buyers: ignore the preceding sentence. Great opportunity!

Lock and load, New Yorkers. A terrorist has just entered the island of Manhattan. We also have a pirate here, and Bernie Madoff, cause we are the baddest, yea! But seriously, a terrorist is here, to kill you.

The Boston Globe lost $50 million last year. It's projected to lose $85 million this year. So the New York Times Co. asked the newsroom to accept a package of cutbacks. Yesterday, they voted "no." Now they're really getting screwed.

Today is showdown day! In one corner: the Boston Globe, a storied failing newspaper. In the other corner: the NYT Co., a storied failing newspaper company. Neither one will give in until they're both dead.

[Are you watching, wingnuts? It's all true. Everything you warned us about. Click through for close-up pic of the foreign Arabian rapper chain that Obama will use to "make it rain" (terror). Pics: AP]

Current TV journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee, who were arrested in North Korea in March, are finally going on trial in the psycho dictatorship today. The one media outlet not covering their case: Current TV.

Happy Terrorist Fist Jab Anniversary Day! On June 3, 2008, the Obamas gave each other a pound as he locked up the nomination, shocking whites everywhere. Now—as Dr. King dreamed—it's accepted. A year of Obama pounds, in photos.

Roman Catholic priestess and White House correspondent for the Macon-based Georgia Informer Brenda Lee just wanted to give Barack Obama a letter telling him to stand strong against the gays. Why did the Secret Service pervs have to do her like that?

You may not have noticed, but England's political system is collapsing right about now under the weight of cinematic scandal. The latest news is that a pair of diabolical billionaire identical twins have succeeded in censoring the blog of a hysterical Minister of Parliament whose political views they oppose.

The California Supreme Court has upheld Proposition 8, meaning that gay people still can't get married there. But the 18,000 couples who were hitched between last May (when the court ruled to legalize gay marriage) and November (when "progressive" California voters said same-sex marriage is icky) can stay married.

Who shall be next in the procession of people more famous than you to testify in the sad case of famous society lady Brooke Astor and her thieving-ass son? Lo, it is Barbara Walters, and her sidekick, Henry Kissinger!

Eric Schmidt now says Google thought about buying a newspaper but rejected the idea as "crossing the line" between technology and content. The real message for newspaper hacks: You're just not profitable. Compared with, say, TV and movies.