Here's how politics work in Russia: be as corrupt as you want, as long as you keep your mouth shut; but criticize those above you, and they'll use their media lackeys to crush you. Just like America, in other words.

Eddie Fisher, the popular 1950's crooner, died Wednesday in California at age 82. Besides his successful music career, Fisher was married to Elizabeth Taylor, Connie Stevens and Debbie Reynolds. He and Reynolds were actress Carrie Fisher's parents.

On Wednesday, 80 pilot whales become stranded on a beach in New Zealand and 50 of them died on the first day. Today, rescuers are transporting the 24 surviving whales by truck to more sheltered waters 30 miles away.

Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, the devastatingly handsome twins who claim Facebook was their idea, lapse all too easily into self-caricature. Consider their outfits for a screening of The Social Network, which included, says an accompanying journalist, matching man purses.

Here we go, America! House Republicans have finally leaked their long-promised platform for the midterm elections, called the "Pledge to America." They're formally unveiling it today at a Virginia hardware store. Let's do a quick lil' run-through, shall we?

Is there any more news of shocking corruption today out of Bell, California, America's most corrupt town? But of course! Today: the police chief was even more corrupt than previously known. As was the city manager, a thief!

Bell, California: little town, big problems. Eight city officials were arrested there yesterday, including city council members, the city manager, and the mayor, whose door was battered down by the police. The worst part? It wasn't a surprise.

The New York Times Co. says it will post a loss in the third quarter. Print ad revenue's slowing, growth of online ad revenue's slowing, and there's no paywall (yet). More alarming: NYT stars are leaving—for the internet!

After a six-hour grilling by immigration officials, Paris Hilton was denied entry into Japan today, where being a convicted cokehead is apparently frowned upon. She joins Wings-era Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones on Japan's list of druggie deportees.

[Kids in the Philippines participate in a disaster drill meant to simulate a flood. Photo via AP]

[It was a laugh a minute as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and husband Bill attended the Clinton Global Initiative meeting in New York today. Image via AP]

For his 114th birthday, Montana's Walter Breuning—the world's oldest man—was visited by the governor, reporters, and representatives from the Masonic, Shrine and Scottish Rite groups. Holy shit, the Masons? This must be some kind of longevity conspiracy! [NYDN]

The Portland (Maine) Press Herald practically pissed on Old Glory on Sept. 11, when it ran a story about Muslin Ramadan on the front page—but no 9/11 anniversary boilerplate. This prompted an apology. Which itself prompted another controversy.

NYPD has installed as many as 500 cameras in three of New York's busiest subway stations: Grand Central, Penn Station and Times Square. So, no more peeing off the platform when you're drunk, even if no one's around.

Mark Hurd is paying dearly to roll with Oracle. The misbehaving former Hewlett Packard CEO will give up millions of dollars to settle an HP lawsuit and continue working with fellow bad boys at Oracle. He's an eternal bro.

[Paris Hilton's attorney couldn't keep his eyes to himself when the heiress appeared in a Las Vegas courtroom today. She pleaded guilty to cocaine possession and will serve a year of probation, but won't serve jail time. Image via AP]

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell hastily dismissed her witchcraft background this weekend, after Bill Maher released an old tape of her describing high-school experimentation with satanic altars. Now the Witch Community is furious, and will transform O'Donnell into a carrot.

Distracted driving! Farmer's foods! Punjabi sports! Lifeguard texting! Halal beef beef! Free water! Greek yogurt! Cold virus obesity! And the indomitable spirit of the human soul! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with intervals of approval!

The Obamas attended Christian religious services at a Washington church yesterday, wreaking Sharia terror on the modest God-fearing congregants. Perhaps President Obama wants fewer Americans to think he's Muslim. Will you take the bait? [Image via AP]

Model-wrangling billionaire Ron Burkle scored a victory this morning in his battle to grab control of Barnes & Noble, when an advisory service recommended that shareholders vote for Burkle's slate of directors. What's B&N chairman Leonard Riggio (pictured) doing wrong?