Never content to rest on their laurels, it appears that the Associated Press has put the final, Strunk & White approved flourishes on their obituary for pop princess Britney Spears. No, you didn't miss anything — Britney is still alive. Usmagazine.com spoke with AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington, who calmly and objectively asserted that if Britney were to pass away, it would be "easily one of the biggest stories in a long time." You can't put one by that Jesse Washington cat! We applaud both him and his organization for their ghoulish resourcefulness. [USMagazine.com]

Tempters of fate! Sensible tempters, but still! US magazine is reporting the Associated Press has already written Brit's obit, which is standard news practice with celebrities, presidents and the like, but usually they're not, you know, 26. "We are not wishing it," the wire's entertainment editor said, "But if Britney passed away, it's easily one of the biggest stories in a long time." Good luck explaining that public quote at the pearly gates, pal! [US]

[Scholar and activist Cornel West at this past weekend's BET Awards in Washington; image via AP]

[All five reunited Spice Girls at Mens Fashion Week in Milan, Italy yesterday; image via AP]

[Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem, two stars of the really, really good movie "No Country For Old Men" pose at the AFI Awards luncheon today, Los Angeles; image via AP]

In an internal email issued this afternoon, Los Angeles Associated Press assistant bureau chief Frank Baker notified his staff of a major policy change."Now and for the foreseeable future," he wrote, "virtually everything involving Britney is a big deal." OMG, did you hear? Britney is a BIG DEAL, y'all! Nervous breakdowns are totes the most efficient way to achieve household name status. Memo after the jump.

[Patricia Arquette, star of the NBC drama 'Medium', greats a fan at the NBC Experience store today, New York City; image via AP]

[Mayor Michael Bloomberg prepares to start the countdown to midnight during the New Years eve celebration at Times Square; image via AP]

["Celebrity Blogger" Perez Hilton poses for photogs at MTV's Times Square New Year's Eve masquerade party; image via AP]

Unbelievably the Post didn't pick up this AP story from yesterday that was begging for a their special touch: "A man being held in a Dutch police cell on suspicion of growing cannabis got an unintended treat in his lunch - a piece of hashish-laced cake, a spokesman said Thursday. ... The hash cake had earlier been seized by police in an unrelated investigation and stored in a refrigerator - close to lunch packets served to suspects being held in cells at the police station in Goes, 110 miles south of Amsterdam." Surprisingly, the suspect told them of their mistake: "I think you've given me something you weren't supposed to."

Pot suspect served hash cake for lunch [AP]

"Recipient of a Kennedy Center Honors Award for 2007, singer Diana Ross, arrives at the White House for the Kennedy Center Gala reception honoring the awardees, Sunday, Dec. 2, 2007, in Washington. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)"

An informant reports that high-energy Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer's early morning razzle-dazzle outpaced one reporter:

Late on Friday, Associated Press executive editor Kathleen Carroll sent around a memo noting the closure of asap, the A.P.'s multimedia attempt to keep up with the kids. asap, said Carroll, was a "wildly inventive source of stories and sounds and pictures and video unlike those found anywhere else" and a "terrific journalism success," which was good at everything except, you know, making any money. (But what did them in? Was it the content-free Q&A with Jonathan Safran Foer? Was it their insistence on addressing the youngster via use of the second person?) No word yet on what's going to happen to the unit's 24 staffers, but with all the prize-winning journalism they've created over the last two years, it shouldn't be too hard for them to find other work. Full memo below.

We all had a good chuckle back in October when the AP announced the launch of 'asap,' a new newswire service so youthy and hipness-oriented that it has no need for capitalization in its name. Today, we checked back in and found the asap kids still busily reinventing journalism. For example, via "Assignment: You," You can suggest a story topic, and asap's reporters might cover it! No one had ever thought of that before, except possibly the people over at Assignment Zero, whose volunteer virtual open source newsroom thing David Carr discussed today. But asap's You-journalism is still cooler because it is all multimedia-oriented: "Have an idea that relies on sights and sounds? Be sure to include that; we at asap are pretty handy with still cameras, video cameras and audio recorders." Not as handy as the dude who posts videos of his armpit farting out the headlines on YouTube, probably, but give them time to catch up to You.

DePauw University president Robert Bottoms proved Monday that, when it comes to defending students from lookist sorority presidents, he's the tops! Sorry. Anyway, he has disbanded the remaining "pretty" members (pictured!) of the DePauw Delta Zetas, and one of the reasons was apparently their president's website nonapology for booting chunky gals: "Bottoms said the school was unhappy with Delta Zeta's policies and actions, and with some of the postings on its Web site in response to the controversy that followed the evictions. 'I came to the conclusion that our approaches to these issues are just incompatible.'" Delta Zeta national President Debbie Raziano could not be reached by the AP for comment, but we imagine her comment would have been something along the lines of "I'm sorry you think you have to feel that way."

The AP ban on Paris Hilton coverage lasted maybe a bit longer than a week. Well to be fair, we suppose this is "major, major news." She was driving not drunk!

Paris Hilton Ticketed In West Hollywood [AP]
Earlier: AP Won't Always Have Paris

The Times chose to illustrate their story on the potential XM/Sirius merger. with an A.P. photo of Candace Bushnell interviewing Janice Dickinson for her Sirius show. (RELATED: Does every third-rate lit-celeb have a satellite radio show? And then when do they write?) But as a sharp-eyed tipster noted, "The real story is that two women of a certain age are being haunted by a trendy ethnic ghost with an upturned collar." If we didn't know any better, we'd say it's Ron Galotti. Either way, kinda spooky.

When you read the words "young, single, and living in the city" on a computer screen, don't you just want to gouge your eyes out (a little)? Well, you must not be the kind of under-35 year old the AP is going for with its new youth-targeted ASAP service, which brings us the videoblog Reel City Tales. Our heroine, one Donna Arazie, is going to "vlog" (ugh!) about "men, careers, money, [and] big decisions" — like whether or not to booty-call. Giving credit/blame where it's due, Arazie admits in her intro post,"Sure, there was "Sex and the City," but that's so 2003." Omg, you guys, let's totally all watch this vlog on our portable handheld devices! Shoot. us. now.

Associated Press Starts A Sexy Videoblog [NewTeeVee]

Well then! Based on the overwhelming response to our inquiries about publications that pretend you don't exist after you've poured your blood, sweat and tears into their piddling assignments, we've come up with a preliminary list of publications that should be avoided at all costs, even when their editors woo you with promises of fame, glory and on-time checks. We're still soliciting tales of woe for subsequent rounds, which you can send to the usual place. In the meantime, enjoy our list of offenders, including more Observer woes, post-jump.

When there's blanket coverage of a celebrity death, it's always fun to compare the way it's handled by different news outlets. So: who do you think described James Brown's signature style and moves most whitely and dorkily?