Is Scientology just a fancy term for reparation therapy? That's what investigative journalist Ian Halperin, author of books on Kurt Cobain's death and the underbelly of the modeling world, is claiming in his new tome, Hollywood Undercover, out today. After claiming to be a gay actor afraid that revelations of his homosexuality would ruin his career, the Church took him in, promising they could "cure him of his sexuality through auditing,"or, you know, asking him to pay up. We asked Halperin if he had any dirt on the usual suspects (Tommy C. and Johnny T., natch), and learned way more than we wanted to. Hear why Travolta remains a smiley scientologist out of fear, why bisexual Anna Nicole Smith refused to join the tribe, and details on founder L. Ron Hubbard's proven contempt for these "sexual perverts" after the jump.

Well, that took long enough: The Bahamian inquiry into Daniel Smith's death concluded Anna Nicole's son died of a lethal combination of methadone, Zoloft, and Lexapro—exactly what the independent coroner's report stated shortly after his death, and, we're hoping, not among the many things we put into our bodies over our Xmas-cheeriest weekend yet! [Yahoo News]

Had she lived, Anna Nicole Smith would have been 40 years old today; she'd also very likely be disoriented, naked but for a set of lipstick cat whiskers, and wandering around the lobby of a Florida Hard Rock hotel with a nearby Howard K. Stern capturing every pratfall on Hi-8. As ever-tabloid-present in death as she was in her drug-addled years on Earth, Entertainment Tonight commemorates the posthumous milestone by approaching the two most essential mapping points on the love-polygon that defined much of her life—Stern and Larry Birkhead:

With the Attorney General investigating the sinister network of prescription-dispensing Drs. Feelgood entrusted to her care, the Anna Nicole Clown Video: Criterion Collection made the blog rounds yesterday, ensuring sleepless nights for thousands haunted by the direful sounds of a nine-year-old girl baying, "Braaain trouble!" at the former Playboy model's unsuccessful attempts at burping a pineapple. The video only raised more questions: Who, for example, was the "Mark" that metteur en scène Howard K. Stern kept referring to throughout the shoot? Usmagazine.com has the answer:

It turns out the now-infamous Anna Nicole in Creepy Clown Makeup clip comes from a much longer, much more disturbing video, aired on Geraldo at Large. Brought to Rivera's show by the father of a nine-year-old girl present for the entire shoot, the girl describes having seen Howard K. Stern give Smith something from "a white bottle with red stripes."

A follow-up to the Anna Nicole investigation we mentioned earlier: Attorney General Jerry Brown told reporters that there is "serious evidence" that something fishy went on with Anna Nicole's death. Really, Jer? Maybe after he cracks this case, he can look into whether The Hills is fake or not. [foxnews.com]

The search warrants are flying this morning—eight in total—in connection with Anna Nicole Smith's death. Already raided were the homes of Smith's psychiatrist Dr. Khristine Eroshevich (Howard K. Stern is rumored to have been there at the time), and Dr. Sandeep Kapoor, Smith's methadone-dispensing doctor and gay-pride floatmate. A press alert tells us Attorney General Brown will be making a statement at 11:00. Developing... [TMZ]

Amazon's recommendation engine suggests shoppers looking for Rita Cosby's shocking Anna Nicole tell-all Blonde Ambition also check out bestselling O.J. Simpson pseudo-confessional If I Did It, the rationale presumably being that while reading up on two mysterious Hollywood deaths is nice, four is even nicer.

Good news, everybody! As it turns out, those "death photos" of a "vomit-covered" Anna Nicole Smith aren't soul-chilling depictions of her corpse at all! In fact, not only is Anna Nicole still alive in them, she's partaking of one of her favorite activities: snacking on a fish sandwich slathered in tartar sauce. While topless. [The Insider]

• Video: Rita Cosby Served with Papers [InsiderOnline]

Do you know what's awesome? When you're about to have a big party but right before it, you find out you're being slapped with a $60-million libel lawsuit by Howard K. Stern, with more suits to follow from other subjects of your book. What is almost as awesome: that tonight's party at Pacha for Rita Cosby's book (hosted by weird high-roller quarterly 21 magazine!) about Anna Nicole Smith is a benefit for D.A.R.E. Show up for the children, people! Added bonus: We hear that Virgie Arthur, Anna Nicole's sainted mother, may be on hand!

Howard K. Stern, paramour and lawyer to fallen angel-temptress Anna Nicole Smith, is suing the holy heck out of Rita Cosby and her publisher, Hachette Book Group. Cosby's book, "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death," which has pretty much only been read by tabloid mag staffers in need of innuendo for items, claims that Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole babydaddy Larry Birkhead had an affair, for one thing. Birkhead's attorney—his client certainly has more case for grievance, because oh my God, Howard K. Stern, eww—says he'll file his own libel suit soon enough. Nifty! The legacy of Anna Nicole lives on!

Though it was Larry Birkhead who openly swore he'd sue Rita Cosby, to use the legal parlance, "back into the MSNBC rat-hole from which she first produced her twitching rodent snout," it is Howard K. Stern, the second half of the all-male coupling she licentiously described in Blonde Ambition, who's first to file suit:

There seems to be some confusion about whether a photo depicting Anna Nicole Smith "naked with vomit all over her face" allegedly making the rounds in search of a deep-pocketed buyer portrays a deceased Smith or one who's alive and overdosing. Remember when we said that Lou Pearlman item would probably be the creepiest thing we'd read all day? Yeah, not so much. [Hollyscoop]

To be honest, we thought the Bahamas' authorities had undertaken their Daniel Smith inquest months ago, having concluded that the substance Howard K. Stern was spotted nervously disposing of down a hospital toilet moments after Anna Nicole's son's suspicious death must have been jars of his own collected tears, in anticipation of the strength he'd be required to show in the weeks to come. As it turns out, the much-delayed inquest is just about to get underway:

As father Larry reportedly enters final negotiations with the E! network to co-star in a reality show with daughter Dannielynn Hope Marshall Colby Dexter Fortensky Birkhead, sources close to the events continue to cast the Genetic Sweepstakes winner in a sinister light. Beyond the strenuously denied blow-job bombshells, we now have the testimony of former Birkhead bodyguard Mark Speer, who tells the NY Daily News of the time Larry arranged with paparazzi to be photographed grieving at the grave of Anna Nicole's son:

Oh my God, this clip from "Entertainment Tonight" is the saddest thing you'll ever see: Larry Birkhead is still exploiting that baby.

Ignoring for a moment the outrageous claims that she was genetically engineered to keep her greedy gay daddies in handcrafted loafers and Bahamian houseboys well into old age, the fairytale ending we all dreamed of for Dannielynn Hope Smith Birkhead appears to have finally come to pass. Only days ago, she celebrated her first birthday, opening dozens of gifts at a lavish party. (Her favorite: a real, semi-dehydrated pony from "all your loving godparents at ET and The Insider.") Now, following in the unsteady footsteps of her mommy, she's already scored her first E! reality show:

• Exclusive: Dannielynn at Her Party! [theinsideronline.com]

In a strange reversal, today Page Six published the answers to a blogger's blind item. And not only does Page Six say that former CNN gay hottie Thomas Roberts is the hot anchor with the nudie sex-seeking Manhunt profile (that's SFW, just shirtless shots), but they describe it as "another embarrassment" for tabloid T.V. show "The Insider" and compare it to "Insider" host Pat O'Brien's sex-partying hard-drinkin' rehab scandal. We are not so scandalized. Near as we can tell, Page Six's Paula Froelich is still a regular correspondent for "The Insider"—(or did they sever ties last Fall? That would make more sense)—despite Page Six's description of it as "a tabloid show known best for its round-the-clock coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death and featuring carnival-like freaks during sweeps week." But we're loving the new Moral Police outlook for fall over at Page Six! It's so extremely unlikely!