A new study by the University of Pennsylvania suggests elephants are even smarter and more socially complex than previously thought. The conventional wisdom was that elephants lived in small herds that centered around females, while the males wandered independently. The new study shows that the herds are actually interconnected social groups who "track one another over large distances by calling to each other and using their sense of smell," according to Dr. Shermin de Silva.

94-year-old Australian Phyllis Johnson was attacked by a rampaging, psycho "Big Red" kangaroo while she was hanging laundry in her backyard on Sunday. Johnson told the Courier-Mail that she "bashed it on the head but it kept going for me," and she was only saved when cops showed up and pepper sprayed its ass. Then her son, who clearly underestimated his badass mother, wanted her to go to the hospital:

What happens when you leave Chicken McNuggets in your car in the the Gila Wilderness of New Mexico? Leroy Griego knows: "A bear destroyed my car looking for Chicken McNuggets," he told Las Cruces Sun-News. And after surveying the damage Dennis O'Keefe, a local bookshop owner who saw Griego's mangled car, chimed in:

We just told you about the bear who stuck its head in a jug and lost 85 pounds. Now a coyote pup's wandering around Washington state with a damn jar on its head and can't eat anything.

Thirteen-year-old Carter Pope woke up in his home near San Antonio, Texas last Sunday to the sight of a hairless, grey creature moving slowly across his backyard. "That's a chupacabra," thought Carter before grabbing a rifle and firing three deadly shots at the animal. So did Carter really kill a chupacabra, the elusive beast of lore, or was it simply a really ugly bear/coyote/raccoon? Watch this video and decide for yourself. [WOAI]

Planning a safari anytime soon? If so, you might want to check out the results of a new study in the journal Public Library of Science ONE before you go. The extensive research shows that African lions are far more likely to eat you after dusk on the day following a full moon. Or, in more scientific terms, lions are more successful at "carcass acquisition" just after a full moon:

Great white sharks are the largest, scariest predators in the sea. But they should stay in the sea. One shark didn't last week, and decided to see what it was like on a research boat.

Police in southern Sweden have a new tool for fighting sex crimes — a dog named Rapports Opus that is trained to sniff out sperm at crime scenes. According to English-language newspaper The Local, police in the town of Karlskrona have arrested a 23-year-old man and charged him with rape after Rapports Opus was brought to a park in the town where a woman was sexually assaulted:

Haven't you always wondered if mouth-to-beak resuscitation—"bird CPR"—would actually work? Well! We can confirm that, yes, in at least one instance it has: Bend, Ore. veterinarian Jeff Cooney saved a bald eagle (named, boringly, "Patriot") this week by performing CPR on it. Patriot, whom Dr. Cooney is rehabilitating from an apparent car accident, was under anesthesia at the time; KTVZ provides the image above, though we're not sure if the photograph is a staged re-creation of the event or an actual action shot of the heroic lifesaving attempt. Either way, it's good to know that, in the event that you come across a dying bird, you may have a shot at saving its life. [KTVZ]

The last time anyone saw a Sambas stream toad, also called the Bornean rainbow toad, was back in 1924 on the island of Borneo. Then last month, researchers from Sarawak Malaysia University found and photographed three of them living in trees in a remote forest on Borneo. How fascinating! And what an important discovery! But the most important question is, will licking one make you hallucinate?

Casually xenophobic British ultra-nationalist Morrissey was bitten by a dog of unknown origin and — holy shit — he cracked a bone in his finger! Sycophants across the world are understandably worried about him but, according to True To You, his current tour will not be affected:

A five-inch Brazilian Wandering Spider—the most venomous spider in the world, which "can also cause priapism in humans"—stowed away in a box of bananas and leaped out in a German grocery store, running through the aisles and causing pandemonium on Friday.

Recently a diver took pictures of a blackspot tuskfish who was smacking a clam off a rock to get at the delicious food inside. As Science reports, the fish "was clearly quite skilled at its task" and "landing absolutely pinpoint blows."

After a three-day adventure in the wilds of New Jersey, officials were able to tranquilize and capture a baboon that had escaped from Six Flags Great Adventure. The monkey seems to have had a grand adventure, traveling across backyards, down highways, and over a golf course on a general course east, possibly toward Manasquan, which has one of the nicer beaches on the shore. Thus far Great Adventure is unable to confirm, officially, that the baboon is a resident of its safari park, but spokeswoman Kristin B. Siebeneicher said it "seems likely that it is one of the Safari's baboons." We should hope! [ABC6; Newark Star-Ledger]

Today it was time for an annual ritual, the day when the diamondback terrapins that live near JFK airport force one of the runways to close while they crawl across it to go lay their eggs. Can't we find a permanent solution to this?

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors might ban sales of all pets, including fish, reptiles, rats, birds, dogs and cats. Selling live animals to kill and eat would still be legal. Naturally.

A 19-year-old kid from Hawaii, Cameron Cayaban, was fined $100 yesterday after pleading guilty to "harassing, harming or pursuing an endangered species" in March, when he slapped an endangered monk seal named Kermit. What an asshole. From the Honolulu Star-Advertiser:

Border collies are known for their innate ability to herd sheep—in many cases, they're bred specifically for that purpose. Which is why this video of a four-year-old border collie named Ci, whose owner calls him "the worst sheepdog in Britain" since he's afraid of sheep, is so funny/sad. But mostly funny. [Telegraph via Fark]

Under the headline "Women flock to take horse-semen shots," we learn from The Dominion Post that "apple-infused" horse jizz, or Hoihoi tatea, is "like custard" and is a hot item at a New Zealand restaurant called Green Man Pub. The horse semen, for which the restaurant pays $300 (NZ) for 20 vials, is part of a meal of Asian duck and spring rolls that the restaurant is entering into Monteith's Beer & Wild Food Challenge.

There is not, as far as we know, a forum where we might place bets on which non-robot species is most likely to conquer and enslave the human race, but if there were, we would place our money on the African Grey Parrot, which, scientists have recently confirmed, has the capacity to reason, a skill that places it in the same category as chimpanzees, gorillas and humans.