Lung cancer, a notoriously hard-to-diagnose and deadly disease, has a new enemy: dogs! German researchers have discovered that they can actually smell it on your breath.

Yesterday we brought you the unfortunate story of 8-year-old Tayce Nickel, who was attacked by a macaque in a Wal-Mart parking lot in Springfield, Missouri. We cited a local news report which quoted the monkey's owner, who said that Tayce had entered their SUV and was then "scratched" by Charlie.

Look at Charlie the macaque up there. Doesn't he look terrified? Confused? Distraught? He should be. That sweet-looking little girl, 8-year-old Tayce Nickel, has all but administered the lethal injection that will stop the rapid beating of his tiny, simian heart. In return, he probably gave her herpes.

If you veer just outside Washington, DC, you'll find Cheverly, Maryland's Prince George's Hospital Center. And if you veer into the woods just outside the hospital's doors, you'll find... a chupacabra?

Police raided Florida's Haven Acres Cat Sanctuary (population: 692 fewer cats than they had before), and in doing so uncovered "the biggest case of cat hoarding the Humane Society of the United States has ever participated in." The proprietors of said kitty slum, Pennie and Steven Lefkowitz, are each facing 47 counts of animal cruelty, which includes one for a neglected rooster. All charges are third-degree felonies.

Raton, a 500 kilogram Spanish bull, gored a probably-drunk 29-year-old man during a festival on Saturday — his third kill in 10 years. You might wonder how or why a bull has been able to kill three people. In short, it's because people are stupid. From the Guardian:

So now the American Kennel Club's saying that dog theft's up by 32 percent this year. Apparently their special database recording animal thefts has recorded 224 reports since January 1. That's almost as many thefts recorded in all of 2010 (255, if you're keeping score).

Look at this cow making a break for it! This cow ran away from a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday! This cow is running down a street called "Liberty Avenue," no joke! Run, cow, run!

We know that your child is not good enough to get into one of the finer preschools in the New York City metropolitan area. But perhaps you can get your dog into a nice kennel? Well... we'll see.

Sarah — a 54-year-old Asian elephant performer in the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus with a known history of poor health — was filmed by animal rights activists collapsing onto her side as she boarded her boxcar after a performance in Anaheim, Ca.

It wouldn't be August without a monster attack, so we're going to try to invent one. Just what is this flying beast attacking passengers on a flight from Madison, Wisconsin, to Atlanta? No one knows!

Looking for something to loathe? How about the brown marmorated stink bug? Last year, this species invaded the Mid-Atlantic states and caused millions of dollars of damage to our fruit and veggie crops. This year they're poised to do even more damage.

Meet Gerardo Martinez! Mr. Martinez is facing "several charges" after admitting to police that he had sex with a cat and then threw it out of a window, killing it. Shockingly, he was high on meth.

Rupert Murdoch came outside his NYC apartment building, looked up, saw a peacock, and was like,

The runaway peacock that flew the coop at the Central Park Zoo in favor of a windowsill at a co-op in the Upper East Side returned home on its own volition this morning, zoo officials say. Now it's back at its boring small-time roost, hanging out with the boring small-time peacock friends it grew up with, smoking cigarettes and sighing about how the other peacocks just don't understand what it's like to be young and free in New York. [WNYC, image via AnimalNY]

Do you see this rat, in the picture above? This is the "African crested" or "maned" rat. Do not eat this rat. Its hair is poisonous.

Will this plague of zoo animal escapes never end? Animal New York reports that a peacock has escaped from the Central Park Zoo, and is hanging out in a windowsill at the corner of Fifth Avenue and 65th Street. City Room notes that apartments in the building have been up for sale for as much as $24 million. I wouldn't give that up for the zoo, either. [AnimalNY, City Room, image via AnimalNY]

You think the world is a boring and cruel place and then one day you wake up on an absolutely normal morning and you look on the internet and there is a story about a Gourami fish who was living on a diet of nothing but chocolate. A fish named Gary! Why isn't Gary eating his grapes at the aquarium like a normal Gourami?

You'd think that the successful breeding of a dog that glows under ultraviolet light would be, more or less, the successful completion of science. Why bother doing anything else, now that you made a dog glow? But no! Apparently this dog actually furthers, rather than completes, scientific endeavor:

New York City is overrun by cats. The city's launching a program to sterilize strays, just to avoid having to build more shelters to hold the teeming masses of fur and teeth. What do we do with all these cats?