Remember that emperor penguin that somehow turned up on the shores of New Zealand after getting lost off the coast of Antarctica? Besides giving it the least original name of all time (Happy Feet? Seriously?), conservasionists set the penguin free on September 4, and were monitoring its progress with a satellite transmitter. Only problem: they superglued the transmitter to the penguin's feathers. Some not so happy thoughts from the AP:

Malaysian officials confiscated Shirley, an orangutan at one of the state-run zoos, because apparently her cigarette smoking had gotten out of hand. The authorities removed her because they said smoking isn't natural for monkey-like creatures Did they at least give her some Nicorette or a patch or something?

When scientists insert rhesus macaque genes plus jellyfish genes into unfertilized cat eggs, the cats that result post-fertilization are resistant to feline immunodeficiency virus, which causes feline AIDS. They also glow fluorescent green under "special" lights. What if you do this to human eggs?

Earlier this week, at least 100 animals died at a Johnson City, N.Y. Petco store due to flooding caused by Tropical Storm Lee so severe that it turned the pet store's parking lot into a pond. Evidence strongly suggests that the deaths could have been prevented.

Cops in Berwyn, Ill. responded to a report of an unresponsive 14-year-old boy on Thursday night. They apparently found him—dying—outside the home. Investigating inside they discovered more than 200 animals in the 1,100-square foot home.

Yikes. A sad, strange story today from El Paso. El Paso exists! That's the sad, strange story. No, no, just kidding. The story is that a female tiger at the El Paso Zoo killed her mate for some reason.

Here's some disturbing video, allegedly shot in Russia some time last week, of a polar bear attacking a woman in a back alley. The bear — and how it got there remains a mystery even Damon Lindelof would be hard-pressed to explain — then flees, possibly because a horrified onlooker threw something at it. Then, shockingly, the woman stands up and walks away, her torn pants dangling around her ankles. (This image has led some anonymous online analysts to suggest she was peeing at the time of the attack, which is idiotic.) That last part makes the first part tolerable, but be warned: Seeing a bear throw a human being around like a bag of sardines is extremely disturbing. [Daily Mail]

This elk, of Gothenburg, Sweden, has a problem. His girlfriend broke up with him and he lost his job in ER (Elk Resources) all in the same day. What's an elk who's fallen hard, and I mean hard, on his luck to do but give in to the demons and drink his suffering away? We've all been there so enough with the quiet judging. Unfortunately however, this elk indulged in tee many appletoonis and wound up trapped in an apple tree singing several verses of "Drunken Sailor." He was discovered by Per Johansson, who upon returning home from work, heard the elk and went to investigate.

Five-year-old Zoe Zachrison and her mom were shopping in the frozen food section at a Minnesota Walmart when suddenly a bat swooped down and bit Zoe on the leg, traumatizing her forever and requiring her to undergo painful rabies shots.

The Scottish government recently imported 14 sea eagles from Norway, to reintroduce the giant bird of prey into the wilds of Scotland. Unfortunately, they chose areas not quite wild enough, according to the Scottish Gamekeepers Association, which is calling for an inquiry into the feathered monsters with wingspans of up to eight feet:

The most sought-after paparazzi shot in Southern California at the moment is not, in fact, one of Kim Kardashian getting into a public shouting match with her own ass (though such a photo would still command quite a price on the open market), but rather any visual evidence of the great white sharks spotted recently near San Diego beaches. Two were seen last week off Mission Beach — we told you about one of them — and a third was sighted on Wednesday off the shores of La Jolla. All of this shark activity has led locals to develop Great White Fever, with the LA Times remarking how "dozens of people stood on the bluffs with cameras and binoculars" on Thursday trying to get just a glimpse of one of the deadly creatures, as "television and military helicopters hovered overhead."

Bears! Everyone agrees that they need to be put in their place. But only one woman in America is brave enough to do so: Brooke Collins of Juneau, Alaska, who punched a bear in the face to save her dog.

Pants stuffed with snakes and other cold-blooded animals are totally on-trend for fall 2011. However, there's some risk involved in wearing such garments! For example, TSA agents—who aren't known for being fashion-forward—might stop you from boarding your plane and arrest you.

The moose of Canada are stalking and haunting Connie Evirett and Yvonne Studley, two car-driving sisters from British Columbia. Last month Studley, 49, had a car accident involving one of the beasts; the melee left her in a coma, and the moose in a moose coffin. Then, while on the way to the hospital to visit her younger sister, 51-year-old Evirett had a moose/car accident of her own.

Behold the sight of this poor Irene victim, whose bloated, furry body was spotted by this blogger on the sands of Long Beach, New York. What do you think it is? Don't say it's a "Montauk monster," because that guy was irreplaceable.

As the East Coast braces for Phase Two of God's Late-Summer Reckoning, the shores of Southern California remain sunny, warm, and tranquil. *Cue ominous tuba solo.*

In what will surely be the greatest press release of ths week, the National Zoo offers a catalog of how various animals reacted to yesterday's earthquake. In it, we discover that the range of animal quake reactions is roughly the same as the range of human quake reactions, from startled shrieking to baleful hiding:

Here's Texas congressional candidate Roger Williams, Republican, giving a good tongue-lashing to some welfare queen donkeys. Take some personal responsibility for once, you damnable beasts! "These donkeys don't live in the United States of France, they live in the United States of America," he tell us, before turning to the donkeys and saying, "Have you ever heard of the Constitution?" And yet this hypocrite is probably all-compliments when the elephants drop by.

Instead of creating cuddly animals that people might actually want (mini-giraffes for the home, hamsters large enough to put on a leash and take for walks), some Harvard University scientists are mixing up chicken DNA to make "embryos with alligator-like snouts instead of beaks." Great!

Earlier this week we learned that dogs are good for your respiratory system because they can smell your lung cancer. But are dogs also maybe bad for your lungs, because they manufacture poop that's loaded with airborne bacteria?