For Valentine's Day, Andrea Peyser asks her husband to bring her booze, then go away.

Target stores are basically run by Hamas. Andrea Peyser explains.

Andrea Peyser chuckles at NY guv David Paterson being spotted on a dinner date while "wearing a shiny, purple shirt," musing "Could be Paterson's Garden State wardrobe malfunction was a cry for help." Or a consequence of blindness! Ha. [NYP]

Harold Ford is already a gross caricature of a clueless reverse carpetbagger. It would take quite the contrarian to...hello, Andrea Peyser! She sees Harold as "a punk-rock star...cute, quiet guy." Which is actually a contradiction, but so is love. [NYP]

Sour contrarian and kittycat lover Andrea Peyser has one message to Conan O'Brien fans: Stop whining and go to bed. Right now! In today's New York Post column, the grumbly Leno fan issues late-night, free-wheelin' CocoNation a weary scolding:

Whenever a 30 year-old woman dies tragically, alone, her dead body lying undiscovered for days, capping a horrifically fucked up life, one is always tempted to ask oneself: Shouldn't we treat this event "as a glamorous celebrity happening to which we should aspire?" Eschew the temptation, friend! Andrea Peyser, an expert on sex fiends of all stripes, shall put this in perspective for you:

After an unbearably long break (five days!), Andrea Peyser is back to journalism! Peyser on America's job woes: "We all should be celebrity sloths like Paris Hilton. Or one of Tiger's well-paid bimbos." Well, she's still a little rusty. [NYP]

As Christmas approaches and hearts across the world are warmed by good cheer, New York Post grave-pisser Andrea Peyser would like to take the time to piss on a murdered man's grave. She's a contrarian, what can she do?

Andrea Peyser: "To say that elevating [Diane Sawyer to news anchor] is anything other than affirmative action is a fantasy...Yes, the long-ago aide to President Nixon is a WASP with a long on-air career. But she is a dame." Okay?

This has been the Decade of the Douchebag. There's no denying it. Though we've retired the term, we're bringing it back to identify the douche who was the douchiest. You get the chance to pick our winner.

If there's one thing racist lesbian sanctity-of-love defender Andrea Peyser can't stand, it's nubile young female teachers caressing each other's heavenly bodies in a forbidden dance of lust. (Smoke break, for Andrea). Andrea Peyser knows: You'll soon be killed.

The annual Heathen War on Christmas is in full swing. Sexxxy cat woman Andrea Peyser has identified the key perpetrators: "Lawyers & jerks." But Andrea Peyser has also found Christian Christmas' savior: some shouty little kid.

Climate change is real and man-made. Period, end of story. But recently, some emails have leaked that conclusively prove that climate scientists... are really pissed off that a well-funded industry exists that subverts and denies their work.

Whether you think tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser is sexxxy or supersexxxy, you must marvel at her hat trick in today's column: Perpetrating the most pedestrian racist stereotypes against black people and Jews, and coming out as a lesbian.

If you're a sexxxy lady, reactionary New York Post sex columnist Andrea Peyser will rhapsodize about your long, smooth legs. But if you're an ugly, fat, liberal lady (by Peyser standards), Andrea Peyser wishes you death. Lonely, ugly, fat death.

NY Post sexxxy columnist Andrea Peyser takes to her page of hate today to tell everyone to stop hating gay-hating cabbie Maedhat Mohamed. But wait? Wasn't it her own paper that told us to hate him in the first place?

After an all-too-brief period as King of the Tabloids, the New York Post's circulation is cratering. Could the "Scurrilous Money-Losing Yellow Tabloid Propped Up By a Rich Foreign Patron" formula be on the wane? Everyone must pitch in to help!

Who will stand up for the rights of the brave NYC taxi driver who kicked two gay men out of his cab, for gay-hugging? Andrea Peyser will stand up for him. Enough of this gay PC crapola.

Sexxxy New York Post sex columnist and chief purveyor of thinly-veiled sexy bisexual fantasies Andrea Peyser knows this "Sex addict rehab" thing is for quitters. Take your sex rehab and shove it up the hole of your choice, sexy celebs!

The ever-thoughtful Andrea Peyser uses her recently acquired New York Post column to accuse New York Times reporter and former Taliban abductee David Rohde of coddling terrorists because he wrote about how they kidnapped, humiliated, and, um, terrorized him.