Are you horny, but rushed? Here's the condensed version of sex beast Andrea Peyser's column today: "Breast-feeding. It was in your face...so much testosterone...muscular chests...mommy's milk...crime against nature?...Hot single mommy...showed off her assets." Mmmm. That's the stuff. [NYP; Previously]

New York Post lesbian uh, not lesbian columnist Andrea Peyser heard something in the news the other day about lesbians? Elena Kagan? Supreme Court? Whatever. It gave Andrea a reason to go to a lesbian bar, for journalism.

Minorities in NYC are nine times more likely than whites to be stopped and frisked by cops—but no more likely to be arrested. This proves that minorities are suspicious characters. And lo, Andrea Peyser spies suspicious Muslins, praying suspiciously!

It's not easy for Andrea Peyser to come up with new sex column topics every week. Pantie shopping? Done. Sexy lesbians? Done. Prison rape? Done. Breast milk? Done. Fireman fantasies? Done. Ummm...what about cougars? Can we write about cougars, still?

Sometimes we believe that tabloid sex goddess Andrea Peyser writes her columns solely to "push our buttons," by focusing on the two topics we are most passionate about: 1) Hot sex, and 2) Wal-Mart. Andrea is in favor of both!

Andrea Peyser's great-great-great grandparents, 1864: "Even our slave agrees: Slavery is okay!" Andrea Peyser, today: "Even my nanny agrees: Deport illegals!"

The recent death of a homeless Good Samaritan has tabloid morality arbiter Andrea Peyser wondering how New Yorkers "can be so callous." Especially when they have nice role models like Andrea Peyser, who always advocates for niceness? [NYP]

At least at the box office where the unstoppable fire-breathers roared for another week. They've been trained how to fly, but J.Lo's career is still in an unstoppable tailspin thanks to another movie dud.

New York Post sex master Andrea Peyser found this new movie Kick Ass to be "intoxicatingly entertaining, wildly inappropriate, and alarmingly sexual." Use your Media Decoder Ring to read her true opinion: "intoxicatingly...sexual." Andrea's friends agree!

If there is one thing tabloid sex fiend columnist Andrea Peyser hates, it is everything good in the human soul. Andrea's gripe today: someone was shown mercy. This is unfair to the bloodthirsty, such as Andrea Peyser!

It's April 20. Because the stoner lexicon refers to reefer as "420," the date's become synonymous with celebrating the high life. Instead of posting a list of stars who already smoke up, here are a bunch of people who should.

Demonic tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser went out to investigate these "Tea Partiers," and guess what: "They're not your father's rednecks." Um, okay? Instead, they're "The majority." But rednecks were the majority in my father's day! What?

Tabloid sex monster Andrea Peyser today comes out against wilding. Except love wilding.

What is "trampy?" "Sleeping with a married guy on the day you meet him = trampy. Keeping your pants on during a date or photo shoot = not trampy." Thank you, Andrea Peyser, sex addict. [NYP]

Sex pervs are clamoring to "get a lick of the most vile substance ever fabricated," ejaculates Andrea Peyser in her sex column today. That substance: breast milk cheese. Andrea Peyser does not dream of suckling its tender surface, okay?

Tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser has just about had it with people going out and purposely committing crimes in order to go to jail and be able to purchase affordable Pop-Tarts. Wise up, taxpayers.

"Sex addicts...pert and pretty...Women who ogle...grab at men in a sexual fashion...dirty bastards...sex objects...I feared gang rape...millimeters from his crotch...the nastier, the grabbier, the raunchier the better...satisfying the primal urge to find places to plant their vehicles." Normal Monday. [NYP]

You might suspect that Andrea Peyser, the New York Post's hardcore pornography critic, would be totally gay for hot sexxxy "Fire women," kicking in doors of burning buildings in their blazing hot fire gear, with sweat pouring off their chiseled abdominal muscles, covered only by a sheer layer of fire retardant gel. But no—"if I were to be caught in a fire, I'd feel a lot safer in the arms of a 6-foot man than those of a 5-foot girl." This is the topic of Andrea Peyser's popular newspaper column today, which is illustrated with a photo of a typical fire lady in typical fire gear, a sports bra. [NYP]

Bike riders, public health advocates, and just plain regular folks are generally happy with the idea of turning various NYC streets into "pedestrian plazas." Tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser hates these people, and this idea. People will smoke, outside!

A reader writes in: "Did Andrea Peyser foreshadow Clinton's trip to the hospital today? Sure seems like it." [NYP]