Michael Jackson's doctor is still just as sketchy as before. Tom Cruise will raise your kids for you. Jude Law's new baby's name, rappers, witches, Heroes, Gossip Girls, and Ashton Kutcher's fake life. Presenting an epic Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Alexis Cohen, who cursed her way into the spotlight after being rejected from American Idol was struck by a car and killed. Police are investigating the case as a homicide. Let's hope Cowell has an alibi.

Get it?? News today about James Cameron, that little fellow with a dream. Also about TV pilots getting a second chance at life. James King becomes Jaime King, too!

It's no secret that Paula Abdul's position on the judging panel of American Idol is as tenuous as her grasp on reality. Where should she turn for inspiration? Try So You Think You Can Dance's resident loon, Mary Murphy.

A grassroots rebellion has seized Twitter in an effort to save Paula's slot on the Idol's judges panel. Will the Twitterverse switch their avatars from a Iran-protest green to a sparkly rainbows for Paula?

American Idol charming kook Paula Abdul has not, we repeat, NOT received a contract for next season, which starts shooting in, um, three weeks. Is it the end of television? Will FOX fold? It's Armageddon!

The LA Times reports tonight that American Idol host Ryan Seacrest has received a three year, $45 million contract extension, plus a $300,000 annual "expense account." Maybe those rumors about Simon Cowell getting $144 million are true? [Company Town]

• Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder, Usher, Lionel Richie, Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, John Mayer, and a truck full of elephants (left) will all on hand for the Michael Jackson's memorial service in LA later today. Debbie Rowe and Elizabeth Taylor will not be there, however. [Reuters, NYDN, People, Us]
• Several ladies from the Real Housewives of New York are demanding more cash before signing up for another season of the show. In addition to "six-figure deals," they're asking for clothing, hair and makeup allowances and "a promised amount of screen time." You're shocked by this, we're sure. [NYDN]
• In other Housewives news, it looks like LuAnn de Lesseps may be reuniting with her estranged husband, and Bethenny Frankel is engaged. [P6, Us]

Meghan McCain demands the "really hot" Hillary Duff to play her in the movie about her life, Lindsay Lohan is paid big bucks to party, Farrah is laid to rest, Michael Jackson's photographer speaks and Courtney Love suffers from malnutrition.

For all of you people who are always complaining about how the "good" news rarely gets reported, here's a little ray of sunshine courtesy of the New York Times—-Some straight men are actually accepting of the gays! Amazing!

Susan Boyle's lightspeed ascension to fame and inversely proportional emotional well-being has been utterly tragic. But: in what might be a watershed pop culture moment, Simon Cowell has admitted some culpability and taken responsibility in a newspaper editorial.

We have news from around the world today, but mostly from Foxborough and Australia. Two places both alike in dignity, but then suffering complete indignities like American Idol and movies about teenagers who save the world.

The most ludicrous American Idol contestant ever, Adam Lambert, has finally come out of the closet. In a cover story for Rolling Stone! All of America's gay boo-boos are now healed, or something.

Prince Harry isn't being a dick! Octomom gets her own TV show, Candy Spelling works her late husband's TV pitches in real time, and Rachel Bilson doesn't eat chap stick. Presenting your Saturday morning gossip roundup.

You know what, Adam Lambert? Just can it with the coy shit. Everyone knows the American Idol second-placer is a big ol' homo from Fruitington Corners, but in every goddamn interview the lurching behemoth always says things like "keep speculating..." And I wish he'd just man up and step out.

• Say it ain't so, Sue: WNBC may be planning to drop the 5 o'clock newscast, Live at Five, in favor of a "lifestyle show" of some sort. [NYO]
• Richard Branson does not want to buy Playboy. Sorry, Hugh. [Reuters]
• NBC ratings hit a new low last week. [AP/HuffPo]
• Naturally, NBC Universal chief Jeff Zucker painted a much rosier picture when he appeared on stage at the D7 conference yesterday. [ATD]
• Were you aware that some magazines Photoshop their pics? It's true! [NYT]
• If MGM doesn't come up with some cash quick, it could go bankrupt. [THR]
• Page Six's Paula Froelich took time from promoting her new novel, Mercury in Retrograde, to kick Michael Wolff's ass across the room. [BlackBook]

The voting machines were tampered with! By "voting machines" we mean the mindless finger-dialers from Arkansas who were tricked by the nefarious AT&T syndicate into voting for, successfully, Miss Kris Allen, the straight white corn boy who defeated, in an upset, gay Frankenstein. The New York Times now cries foul.

Gawker: Live, From Vegas! continues unabated through the night (so stick around!). Next on deck, another special guest for this hot, inaugural summer weekend: music writer extraordinaire and Idolator editor Maura Johnston. Maura, kick out the jams, please: