It's always nice when an airplane articulates your thoughts for you—like the plane flying above Lower Manhattan today trailing a huge message: "THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED."

It wouldn't be August without a monster attack, so we're going to try to invent one. Just what is this flying beast attacking passengers on a flight from Madison, Wisconsin, to Atlanta? No one knows!

Think of a truly horrible way to die, and then think about this: A 51-year-old airplane maintenance worker in New Zealand was performing "a very routine procedure" on a a C-130 Hercules when he was sucked into the engine and killed. The propellers were not attached and the engine was on a stand at the time. The man, Miles Hunter, worked for a subsidiary of Air New Zealand, according to ONE News.

Today we heard the news that the wacky Europeans over at Airbus are designing a new super plane that will feature sex hibachis and gay Facebook or something. Read the article. But all that is unnecessary clutter. Let's be more practical here, argues one commenter.

Airbus has unveiled a "plane of the future," which will finally fulfill man's ultimate dream: To fly in a translucent bubble while also playing a golf video game and inhaling vitamin-laced air.

Sitting in an airplane on a tarmac in Detroit, lifelong Brooklynite Robert Sayegh turned to his seatmate and said, "What's taking so fucking long to close the overheard compartments?" Shortly thereafter, the pilot turned the airplane around. Police removed Sayegh from the plane for being "disruptive."

A 12-person fight broke out at 30,000 feet on a Virgin flight from England headed to Barbados. It had to be broken up by crew and other passengers. But what got the whole thing started?

Everyone knows that if you use your cell phone while flying, your plane automatically crashes into the ocean. Just common sense. Now a leaked report from the International Air Transport Association confirms it.

Flight attendants on a Qantas domestic flight in Australia found five baby rats just hanging out in a nest in the cabin today. The flight was grounded so that airline staff could kill the nasty little stowaways.

Air Force One pilots successfully completed a "missed approach" today as pilots were trying to land in Connecticut. The first landing attempt was aborted due to low visibility, but the second one worked just fine! Barack Obama has great pilots.

This video of an Emirates flight getting hit by huge tendrils of lightning on its way in to land at Heathrow Airport was taken last month, so it's a bit too early to add to our list of this week's scary airplane "incidents." (Also, no one aboard was hurt, and the jet landed "with not even a scratch.") Even so, it makes us glad that you fly on the inside of a plane, and not standing on top. Update: The video has been taken down, but you can see it here. [via Daily Mail]

Can people stop freaking out on airplanes? Yet another passenger tried to open the cabin door mid-flight on Tuesday night, the fourth weird plane incident this week. (Fifth, if you count the Australian plane that got hit by lightning.)

The Department of Transportation is facing some big issues in the friendly skies these days, like sleeping air traffic controllers and the safety of First Lady Michelle Obama. But one issue stands apart: your right to eat nuts on an airplane.

Delirious old coot Sen. Jim Inhofe has a flying license! Who knew? What's even more amazing is that he was able to keep this license after choosing to land his Cessna on a closed runway last year, even though there were "men and equipment on the runway," over whom he "sky hopped" after the first touch down. Wow. And yet, so in-character for Jim Inhofe! It's pathetic that this doesn't even surprise us.

It's tempting to fly Southwest Airlines these days to avoid being totally extorted by the bigger carriers, even if you have to endure seven layovers between New York and Chicago. But by now you've probably heard about the Southwest flight that had to make an emergency landing after the roof literally tore open last week. Scary, sure. But that's not necessarily cause to avoid flying Southwest altogether, right? Well, yesterday three more Southwest planes were found to have cracks similar to the five-footer from last week.

A new safety video for Qantas airlines has workers for the airline up in arms—quite possibly because it begins and ends with a message from John Travolta?

Oh, the poor Transportation Security Administration. There was the uproar over full body nudie scanners, which culminated when a TSA worker beat the shit out of a colleague over some small penis jokes. Then came the bro who sparked the ridiculous nationwide "don't touch my junk" thing. And just when TSA workers thought they were in the clear, a Post EXCLUSIVE chronicles some more recent failures.

OK, it's still a crime. But can we say the guy who stole almost $250,000 from an airplane's hold by crawling through the bathroom earned, maybe, $100,000 of it?

On Friday's Late Show, Ed Helms spoke about a few of his hobbies that he's particularly awesome at: skateboarding and toy helicopters. As he put it, saying that he's "Quite good is offensive to me, because I am amazing."

Rats have already figured out how to use the subway to get around, but yesterday one rodent took traveling to another level: An Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Denver had to turn back on the runway after a rat was seen scurrying around inside the cabin. One passenger told Seattle's KIRO 7 news, "It's not something that is great, but clean the plane a little better."