Lincoln, the auto company whose average customer is the same age as Abraham Lincoln, has a problem: they're rolling out a hot new car, and they would like to sell it to some people who may not be about to die. Where is the more youthful, affluent audience for this stupid car? If you said "probably buying a BMW," you are far too honest to ever be a chief marketing officer.
Advertising is like a shit and sugar pie. So, so sweet, as long as you don't think about what's going into it. And everyone wants a bigger piece. Who are any of us to say that someone should not have more shit and sugar pie? They might regret it, but we've been sucking it down for years.
The Swedish Metro newspaper reported today that expendable furniture behemoth Ikea had Photoshopped its Saudi Arabian catalogues to completely exclude women from the pages. Scenes that included a mother, a father, and a child in other catalogues, for instance, had been touched up to be just a father and a kid. Other settings eliminated people altogether rather than include a woman in the image. Naturally, many people were furious about the perceived misogyny, especially when Ikea, through its charitable donations, attempts to put on a very pro-woman stance.
And this is why it's important to pay attention to apostrophes.
Village Voice Media, owner of the Voice and a dozen other alt-weeklies across the country, has decided to try a nifty trick: it's cleaving itself in two. Executives from the company are "buying out" all of the papers, putting them into what is technically a new, standalone company. And VVM's main profit center, hooker ad site Backpage.com, is going to be left in its own separate company, controlled by VVM bosses Jim Larkin and Michael Lacey. This is a weird gambit.
What does the Creative digital ad agency world of the future look like? It's not what you might imagine—Mad Men in space suits, leisurely sipping martinis in their flying cars. It's about "thinking as much like a modern newsroom as it does a creative department," according to an Ad Age op-ed by ad guy Ian Schafer. What does that mean in practice? It means using lots and lots more buzzwords—strategically.
It all started on a crowded New York City subway car, where, just above another commuter's sweaty forehead, I caught glimpse of a movie poster through the train window. The movie was called The Possession, and the poster depicted a young woman vomiting dozens of butterflies—or were they moths?—into the heavens above her. Written across the top of the poster was that vague promise so many of Hollywood's biggest films tout nowadays: "Based on a true story."
This is America. This ain't Saskatoon or Piscataway or Buddhistan or some other foreign speck of dust. This is America. We have an army. A god damn capital-A Army. A big badass American army with big ol' guns. And that army needs soldiers. Lots of soldiers. Lots of big god damn badass American soldiers to carry some big guns and show the freaks and the geek's what's what. There's Jesus in Heaven and there's god above and he gave man dominion over all things and guess what, that man is called The You Ess God Damn Army. Now you tell me, son: where exactly do you think we should find a bunch of god damn red-blooded boys ready to kill for god and country? Should we, should we, should we look up under the couch cushions? Should we look up under the floormat? Hey, I think I left m' god damn US Army recruits on my nightstand table! Should we look there? Hot shot? Oh, you probably think we should look up in the god damn fabric store, eh? How bout we look for one million future globe-dominating soldiers up in the La-mozz class? Is that it? Maybe we should go on down to the, to the Yankee Candle store down at the outlet mall and ask if they have any assistant managers lookin' for a little excitement? Maybe that's where we'll find the future Navy SEALS of America? Maybe a bunch of posey-picking little girls will beat up the next Sad-dam? Is that it? Or do you think maybe, maybe, maybe we should, lemme just propose this to ya, maybe we should take a look down at the ol' Nascar track? You think? Ya think that one might be a better idea, smart guy? Maybe we should go have a look at the ol' football stadium? For some strong young fellas? Would that be alright with you, pinky? Maybe we can find a few strong young boys who know a little something about kickin' butt down at the drag-racing spot, eh? That alright with you, Albert Einstein? Thank you so much. So if it ain't too much trouble and all, we're just gonna keep on spendin' our $80 million a year sponsorin' some stock cars and football games under the name of the God Damn Army of the United States of America, thank you very much. So stop your god damn bellyaching about it. There's still a few good men left in Congress, thank god.
If there's one thing missing from your Facebook experience, it's an even heavier influx of ads, right?
Yes, it probably is.
Remember how BP's relentless pursuit of profits at the expense of safety caused the Gulf of Mexico to be flooded with oil a little while ago? No. I don't remember that. Do you? Hmm. What I do remember is BP's absolutely awesome Olympic spirit!
Sure, the thousands of truly creative people who, through vicious twists of fate and circumstance, find themselves working at ad agencies, where their creative impulses are channeled into Skittles and Old Spice and H&R Block and other equally vacuous enterprises, are suffering an awful and soul-deadening fate. But couldn't it be more soul-deadening? How about if we made them do this stuff all night?
Corporate America knows that the key characteristic of you, the consumer, is this: you are a liar. You lie to your wife. You lie to your boss. And, worst of all, you lie to corporate America survey-takers whose job it is to determine what you like so that corporate America can sell that thing to you. What do you really like? Corporate America will track your eyeballs in order to find out.
We learned yesterday that Duncan Brannan, the longtime voice of Chuck E. Cheese, the anthropomorphic character designed to indoctrinate children into belief in fiat money, has been fired from his position. Who will replace him? "The lead singer for the pop-punk bank Bowling for Soup." And Chuck himself?
There are few things more delightful than waking up on an average Monday morning here in Post-Racial America to the following real headline from a column in Ad Age: "Hats Off to the Soft-Drink Industry for Giving Attention to Hispanics and Blacks." Hats off to you, marketers of nutrition-free sugar water! You are trying to sell your product to minorities. You are all the real heroes.
