Well it's about time that these losers got around to knocking the dickens out of Mitt Romney, that great labor liquidator of the shareholder value revolution. Everyone, right and left, is pointing and laughing the sad galoot over this clip, in which he says he likes firing people. No, scratch that: He says he likes "being able to fire people." What does he really say?
Poor Marcus Bachmann. The gleefully gay-seeming, possibly pushy, highly catty Christian therapist husband of Michele Bachmann suffered two humiliations this week: First, his wife called out his doggie sunglasses shopping spree on live TV. Then, the famously press-conscious fashion fiend ("All I want to know is what they're saying about me," he told New Yorker reporter Ryan Lizza) was forced to stand next to Michele in the critical final moments of her campaign with a giant cold sore on his mouth! Must have been the stress. Tasteful doggie eyewear is not easy to find in Des Moines.
Adorable Texas bigot Rick Perry quickly decamped to the forests of his home state last night to "reassess" his campaign, which is usually what you'd say when you're dropping out but need a couple of days to raise cash and pay off the bills. But Rick Perry is clearly too insane to concentrate on such things for more than a few minutes, so he's already made up his mind and decided to stay in the race. He announced this via Twitter, with a classic "Rick Perry Photo," and without really teling anyone. Good form, Perry! The dream will never die.
Santorum, as followers of politics know, is the Bible-thumping Republican underdog who tied Mitt Romney at last night's Iowa Caucus. Santorum is also, as users of Google and followers of Dan Savage know, a neologism for "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex."
The past few weeks have seen an impressive burst of political activism from nerd hive Reddit. Now they're talking about "destroying" senators. Oh jesus, this does not bode well.
1988 Iowa caucus runner-up Pat Robertson — that's still funny, isn't it? — is getting disturbingly cocky in his regular secret magical chit-chats with The Almighty these days.
Every country rings in the new year in their own special way, but mostly they all involve fireworks and cheering. Here is a collection of midnight in a handful of cities around the globe.
I'm telling you, CSPAN is just some shit-hot television right now. Everything is incredible. Hell, I watched Ron Paul shake hands after a Des Moines rally last night for 30 minutes—in high-definition. It was great. It's the new MTV! And now what's this, Michele Bachmann jawing on the radio about guns and her favorite gun for a couple of minutes? Sure, tell us all about it.
It's the best part of any presidential election cycle: That period a few days before the Iowa caucuses when no one's working and so you just type some nonsense about the weather in Iowa. What if the weather is snow? Someone wins. What if it is anti-snow, or sun? Well in that case the other schmuck wins.
I'm telling you, CSPAN is just some shit-hot television right now, in Iowa. Hell, I watched Ron Paul shake hands after a Des Moines rally last night for 30 minutes — in high-definition. It was great. It's the new MTV! And now what's this, Michele Bachmann jawing on the radio about guns and her favorite gun for a couple of minutes? Sure, tell us all about it.
Will the Occupy movement destroy the comely state of Iowa? Considering that they plan on interrupting a few caucuses and hollering in some offices, one can safely assume... no. But whatever they're planning on doing, it's apparently enough to scare the Iowa Republican party into secret bunkers, where they'll be safe from this nefarious grasp of "political activists."
It's hard to imagine that Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Santorum were hoping to be days away from the Iowa caucuses and spending most of their time attacking Ron Paul, who just so happens to be crushing them all. But here they are, and boy howdy are they spitting hot fire at this crabby old doctor-paleolibertarian! Here are some highlights.
Rick Perry is still trying to convince Iowa voters that he's the most socially conservative candidate this godforsaken planet has ever seen, in his last ditch-attempt to get anyone to vote for him. We all remember when he was like, why are gays in the military when something something children Christmas Jesus? Then he pounced on his wife, putting her in her place. And now he's announcing that he's upgraded his anti-abortion club membership, after watching a movie about ladies.
If you've been too busy celebrating the holidays to keep track of the doings of internet blimp magnate Ron Paul, you might have missed the 50 scans of Paul's various, unbelievably hateful newsletters, published on Mr. Destructo last week. But as pleased as that made us, we're even more pleased to discover @RP_Newsletter, an enterprising new Twitter account that's re-Tweeting the best of those newsletters, 140 characters at a time!
First it was the racist newsletters. Now it's the direct mail advertising them. In a signed appeal to potential subscribers in 1993, Ron Paul urged people to read his publications in order to prepare for a "race war," military rule, and a conspiracy to use a new $100 bill to track Americans.
The scientific and religious consensus that the world is going to end in 365 days when the planet Nibiru collides with earth on December 21, 2012 was dealt a shattering blow yesterday when English druids said their winter solstice ritual was "a good omen for the year ahead." Will 2012 probably be okay because the druids said so? Or will it be the literal end of time because the Mayans* said so?
We took a stroll over to Ron Paul Forums today — an Internet war room for Paul cultists, not to be confused with Ron Paul War Room — to see how they were doing, after their five years of uninterrupted, thankless organizing for Paul that finally brought him to the top of presidential polls was threatening to come completely undone over the story of his racist newsletters.
