Last week, a man shopping at a Pittsburgh-area Walmart reached into a box of bananas, only to have a fucking scorpion latch onto his hand with its pincers.

Longtime Senator Thad Cochran beat Chris McDaniel by just over 6,000 votes in the GOP runoff election yesterday in Mississippi. He did so by convincing black Democrats to vote for him and increasing voter turnout overall — in the 24 Mississippi counties with a majority black population, turnout was up almost 40 percent.

Gary Oldman, noble defender of free speech against the horrors of political correctness, apologized yesterday evening for speaking perhaps a little too freely with words like "that fucking Jew" in a Playboy interview.

Eli Wallach, an actor best known for his roles in The Magnificent Seven, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, and The Misfits, died on Tuesday. He was 98.

Two residents, dressed in dried banana leaves and their faces covered in mud, prepare to go door-to-door asking for candles as part of the Feast Day of St. John the Baptist in the northern Philippines. The annual tradition is performed in the village of Bibiclat, in the Nueva Ecija province, to pay homage to Saint John the Baptist, believed to have saved the lives of the people in the village years ago. Image by Bullit Marquez via AP.

As we move to emoji-exclusive communication, it's important to be able to decipher the multivalence of the tiny cartoons that have become the de facto shorthand for expressing...everything. If you have ever received a text that is only emoji, perhaps perplexed by what it actually says, much less means, Conan O'Brien can commiserate. He can also read and understand them perfectly.

A man walked into a McDonald's in Jamaica, Queens this morning with a six-inch knife sticking out of his back. He reportedly walked into the restaurant while speaking on his phone, calmly telling a family member that it might be the last time they hear from him. According to police, the man, 50, had been involved in a fight with two men they are still looking for.

The Ukrainian military claims that a helicopter carrying nine of its men was shot down by pro-Russian separatists, despite a ceasefire agreement reached last Friday. All nine men died in the attack and Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko, reports the BBC, is considering ending the ceasefire ahead of its Friday deadline for "constant violation by rebels who are controlled from abroad."

A handwritten manuscript of Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone" was sold today in New York at rich people's eBay, Sotheby's auction house, for $2.045 million to an unidentified bidder. The early draft of the lyrics, written on stationery from the Roger Smith Hotel in Washington, was vaunted by Sotheby's as "the only known surviving draft of the final lyrics for this transformative rock anthem."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is reportedly ensnared in another bridge-related investigation, this time for the $1.8 billion funding to repair the Pulaski Skyway, which connects Newark and Jersey City. According to the New York Times, a probe launched by the Manhattan district attorney’s office and the Securities and Exchange Commission is investigating whether Christie’s administration misled bond holders to obtain the money for the project. Ironically, this new bridge investigation was spun-off from the ongoing investigation into Bridgegate.

Today, a White House intern fainted on LIVE C-SPAN on her first day of work. It’s only up from here.

Adam Kuhn, chief of staff to Republican Ohio Rep. Steve Stivers, resigned today after his former porn star ex-girlfriend tweeted "at least one photo of Kuhn's penis" to Stivers' Twitter account, Politico reports.

Today the Congressional Gold Medal — "Congress' highest expression of national appreciation for distinguished achievements" — was posthumously awarded to Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King. Here are John Boehner, Harry Reid, and the gang showing their enthusiastic appreciation during the ceremony:

When pinball was invented nearly a century ago, machines had no flippers, and the game was based mostly on chance — meaning low-down, hooch-swilling plunger-pullers often used it for gambling. In the 1930s, the city of Oakland, California tried to rid itself of this scourge and officially outlawed the game.

Meet the newest World's Most Controversial athlete: Uruguay striker Luis Suarez, who bit an opponent during his team's match with Italy today. And it's not his first time.

On Sunday, Richmond, Texas police officer Ramon Morales saved a woman sitting on train tracks from an oncoming train. The footage, captured by the dash camera in his squad car, shows he got there just in time.

In a lengthy report published today, ABC News reveals new details of a mysterious overseas romance, between a prominent war journalist and a military commander, that has quietly captivated the American press. No, not that romance . Close, though.

"Iraq is not our neighbor, ISIS is our neighbor," a Kurdish government official tells VICE. The Kurds have staked out their real estate and apparently come to an understanding with the Islamists to their south. The nation of Iraq is fast becoming a political fiction, in much the way it began.

Frostie the baby Snow Goat, who was born with a life-threatening infection that forced him to use two wheels for his back legs, has died. He lived a good life as a goat, a goat who was also part wheelchair.

The US National Transportation Safety Board announced Tuesday during a hearing that pilot "mismanagement" likely caused the Asiana Airlines crash in San Francisco last July. Mismanagement, according to the Board, includes the flight crew's over-reliance on "automated systems that they did not fully understand."