Young Jordan D. Haskins has withdrawn from the Michigan House race in his hometown of Saginaw. The Bible-loving Republican feared his multiple felony convictions for stealing cars to masturbate in while disabling the sparkplugs and cranking the engines had become too great a distraction.

Heard the news? If you only consume the mainstream media's Obamaflecting pulp, probably not: There are Muslims sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border. The scary kind, who pray. How do we know? Because always-patriotic, never-delusional anti-government militiamen have a picture of their prayer rug.

After being roundly criticized for the plan, cops and prosecutors in Manassas City, Va. have decided not to take photos of a 17-year-old boy's erect penis to prove he sexted his underage girlfriend. They're not dropping the case against the kid, however. He's still charged with felony counts of possessing and manufacturing child pornography for allegedly exchanging explicit photos with his 15-year-old girlfriend.

It wouldn't be the Emmys without someone getting snubbed, but at least most Emmy hopefuls get to decide where they'll be when they find out whether they got the nomination. "Fucking Indian woman who has her own fucking network television show" Mindy Kaling co-hosted this year's noms, so she had to remain on stage and keep reading announcements after she was passed over for Lead Actress in a Comedy.

We've brought you several editions of true stories from the workers behind the scenes of reality television. But hey, how bad could working on a reality show really be? This bad.

Esquire magazine (Motto: "The Inactive Ingredients of Erection Pills, in Magazine Form") has a very important message to all the 42-year-old women out there: Esquire writer at large Tom Junod might like to fuck you.

Germany announced today that it's asked the top CIA official at the U.S. embassy in Berlin to leave the country. The expulsion comes just days after German officials launched investigations two possible U.S. spies have been investigated in Germany.

Via Entertainment Weekly, it is America's Next Top Model Cycle 3 first-runner-up-turned-actress Yaya DCcosta as Whitney Houston in Angela Bassett's upcoming biopic for Lifetime (set to air in early 2015). The cover of Houston's 1987 sophomore album, Whitney, is the reference point:

The late George Carlin—comedic evangelist for the profane, antagonist of the faithful, author of When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?—is getting a Manhattan street named after him, and thanks to a paperwork failure, it will run past the childhood Catholic parish he embarrassed so badly in life.

This is allegedly a leaked, unaltered recording of Britney Spears singing "Alien"—from her 2013 album Britney Jean—without the benefit of Auto-Tune, pitch correction, or any of the other studio tricks that featured heavily on the album. It sounds a teeny bit different from the finished track.

A former Goldman Sachs banker who wrote a high-minded book about the firm's ethical decline is now in the business of offering usurious loans to desperate small businesses. What an interesting career path.

Kanye West came under fire over the weekend for trying to extend the definition of rape to include being followed by paparazzi. A crowd at the Wireless festival in London booed him for this piece of one of his infamous mid-show speeches:

A new appraisal of the Detroit Institute of Art's collection values the works at up to $4.6 billion (though an actual sale would probably bring in slightly less than $1 billion). Would selling some of these works mean rejecting art? Not at all. It would mean embracing humanity.

A 70-foot yacht competing in the Clipper Round the World Race was sailing in the Pacific Ocean north of Papua New Guinea when it was hit with a surprise 115 mile-per-hour wind. In short order, the boat was on its side, and crew members were tumbling into the water.

A 15-year-old girl who was injured in Wednesday night's deadly Texas shooting was able to stop the perpetrator from killing more people, according to police. ABC News reports that the girl called 911 after she was shot in the head to provide key information about the shooter and his plans.

This video of songwriter Rob Cantor performing an original song in an impressive range of celebrity voices—everyone from Bono to Cher to Jeff Goldblum—has been watched 7 million times in a week, with commenters praising Cantor's spot-on impressions. Which makes sense, because they were actually done by a team of 11 professionals.

Yesterday morning, a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho shot and killed Craig Jones' dog. The cop approached Jones' parked van with his gun drawn, and when he got close, he says, a pit bull lunged at his face, and he pulled the trigger.

At least 80 Palestinians have been killed since Tuesday in an Israeli offensive aimed at stopping rocket fire from Hamas, which fired rockets deep into Israel last night. And situation shows no sign of letting up: Haaretz reports that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu doesn't have an exit strategy.

When Kristin Dickerson went into labor late last month after a 42-week pregnancy, her husband Troy Dickerson did the sensible thing and strapped a GoPro camera to his head to capture the dramatic, high-speed ride to the hospital and the birth itself, which took place as an understandably frantic Kristen stood outside the hospital's entrance.

Ema Hasanovic, five, leaves flowers on the coffin of her uncle at the Srebrenica Genocide Memorial in Bosnia. Hundreds were in Sarajevo Wednesday to honor the victims of the Srebrenica killings 19 years ago. Photo by Amel Emric via AP.