The billionaire most known for forcefully colonizing the Las Vegas Review-Journal is now onto his next conquest: the White House.

Donald Trump has never been one for cautious restraint—or any restraint—and a few decades of treating women like pieces of meat while masquerading as a “playboy” is starting to catch up with him.

In this week’s White House address, President Obama has a bone-chilling message for our nation’s youths: Stay away from drugs—or you, too, could end up like 9/11 truther and occasional anti-semitic caricature Macklemore.

Last month, BuzzFeed successfully convinced hundreds of thousands of unsuspecting Facebook users to watch a pair of employees use rubber bands to make a watermelon explode. Next week, the news and entertainment behemoth will use Facebook and YouTube to interview the President of the United States.

According to a new report, Donald Trump today hung up on a group of Washington Post reporters and then pretended he wasn’t home when they called back. The cause of his fright? A question about John Miller, the name he sometimes uses when pretending to be a spokesman for himself.

NYPD Highway patrol Unit commanding officer Michael Ameri, was found dead in his car on Long Island Friday afternoon from a gunshot to the head, the same day he was questioned as part of an ongoing corruption investigation of his department.

Our nation is filled with unsecured LED billboards that are hooked up to the internet and can be configured by anyone to show literally any image. Today, one of those billboards showed a doctored photo of Marco Rubio licking a penis lollipop.

While wrapping up my recent conversation with British director Ben Wheatley about his new movie High-Rise, he mentioned liking Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I told him that I hadn’t seen it, but it surprised me nonetheless as I’d heard it was incoherent. “So? Since when was that a problem?” he said with a laugh.

Today the Washington Post was invited to preview the White House State Dinner, which will honor the leaders of five Nordic nations Friday evening. What they’ve done to Obama, I can’t say. But from what I can see, based solely on this review, we’re going to be at war soon.

Donald Trump is busy distancing himself from former butler Anthony Senecal—a man who Trump previously saw as “irreplaceable” according to The New York Times. Because friends, Donald Trump wants you to know he is not a racist. Just like he wanted you to know he was not a racist four years ago when he said, “How can I be a racist? I just picked Arsenio Hall [for The Apprentice]. Give me a break.”

Prosecutors were set to release Friday a list of people suspected but not charged in 2013's Bridgegate conspiracy until a federal judge granted a temporary reprieve after a lawyer for one of those included on the list argued that her client would be permanently branded with a “badge of infamy.”

Eater.com, a popular food and restaurant website owned by Vox Media, placed an editor named Nick Solares on leave for at least one week, effective immediately, after he apologized for participating in New York City’s skinhead punk rock scene in the 1980s, according to several sources with knowledge of the decision.

This past Thursday, world’s oldest woman Susannah Mushatt Jones was tragically killed, making her the latest victim in a string of long, frequent serial murders. Now, Italy’s Emma Morano has ascended the Oldest Woman throne at the spritely age of 116. But, we must ask ourselves, for how long?

Ben Carson, eerily calm as always, offered a dead-eyed observation Friday: Ted Cruz will eventually come around to Donald Trump, unlikely as it sounds, because they all do, eventually.

In 2010, the Wall Street Journal reports, the Clinton Global Initiative set up a $2 million commitment to Energy Pioneer Solutions Inc., a for-profit company with ties to a number of Democratic political operatives and Clinton allies.

We’ve entered the White Supremacy Mad Libs portion of the election, which means you should expect sentences like “Donald Trump just disavowed his longtime butler because he said Obama should be hanged.”

Last night on her television program, Fox News’ Megyn Kelly presided over a discussion on the right’s current paranoid fixation that the Washington Post has 20 reporters digging into Donald Trump’s life for a planned book on the presumed Republican nominee.

Donald Trump has admitted under oath (but now denies) that he spent decades commenting on himself in the press under the guise of a Trump spokesperson named John. But until this week, the uninitiated could only imagine how ridiculous it must have sounded. Now, thanks to the Washington Post, there’s audio of one of those interviews.

Donald Trump has accused Jeff Bezos of using the Washington Post, which he owns, to sway politicians into making corporate tax policy decisions favorable to Amazon.com, which he founded. “He’s using the Washington Post, which is peanuts, he’s using that for political purposes to save Amazon in terms of taxes and in terms of antitrust,” Trump told Fox News on Thursday.