World’s Oldest Woman Temporarily Named World’s Oldest Woman

This past Thursday, world’s oldest woman Susannah Mushatt Jones was tragically killed, making her the latest victim in a string of long, frequent serial murders. Now, Italy’s Emma Morano has ascended the Oldest Woman throne at the spritely age of 116. But, we must ask ourselves, for how long?

Morano, who attributes her long life to a diet of raw eggs and equally raw steak, seems entirely unperturbed by the fact that she’s likely to become the yet unnamed killer’s next target. With The Sacramento Bee writing that “journalists... had to wait until she finished a nap to greet her.” How anyone could possibly sleep with the knowledge that the reaper’s untimely scythe could be waiting at every possibly turn remains a mystery.

Be careful, Emma. The world is no longer safe for your kind.

And as always, if you have any information at all on this assassin of the ancients please do let us know.