Now that she's free from the bonds of her Nickelodeon overlords, Sam and Cat star and subject of furious fapping Jennette McCurdy can finally say what she's wanted to say since her (actually pretty tame) sexy lingerie selfies leaked earlier this year: "I am not a role model."

Let me tell you a story. You will, won't you? Of course. You fail to realize that your passive "letting" of me is akin to a fierce tiger allowing itself to be led by a leash. And that is where our story begins—inside the urethra of a tiger.

Not every teen on Vine can become an instant viral superstar by sticking his dick in a microwaveable food product. Some have to be, well, more inventive. Enter Brandon Bowen, a 16-year-old from Georgia whose goofy rap-inspired videos are arguably the greatest thing on Vine. Everybody, grab your plastic spoons.

Benny Johnson, the 28-year-old Viral Politics editor at Internet leviathan BuzzFeed, came under fire from two Twitter users on Thursday for copying text from a variety of sources, including Yahoo! Answers. Today the same users, @blippoblappo and @crushingbort, provided several more instances where Johnson stole the work of others—including About.com, Wikipedia, and National Review—and passed them off as his own.

NBC New York released horrifying surveillance footage today of an SUV slamming a 12-year-old boy on his bike into a Bronx storefront. The boy, Abraham Al-Saidi, somehow escaped with a just a broken leg and arm.

Anthony Novellino, a 67-year-old New Jersey man, was convicted for murder this week after stabbing his wife 84 times with an 8-inch kitchen knife and dressing her body up in a pig mask in 2010.

It was muggy in the city and hot as hell, so I figured it was as good a day as any to escape the heat by taking an introductory personality test at the Church of Scientology's New York headquarters. It's appropriately located in the theater district, with a Broadway-style marquee out front and flat screen televisions outside playing clips about the church on loop.

An Apple "iWatch" has been rumored for years, and might finally arrive this fall. And no matter how bad it is, people will buy it, as Jimmy Kimmel found out when he slapped an Apple sticker on a $20 Casio and introduced "the new Apple watch" to some eager consumers.

Imagine if you could afford a house. Now, imagine if you could afford to have porch on that house. Sounds nice, right? Yeah, that's what lots of people are thinking now!

A Suffolk, U.K. woman says she had her breasts enhanced from an A to a G cup because her discomfort with them got in the way of raising her two-year-old son. Now that she has her implants, she's basically the mum of the year.

Roger Ray Ireland was on the run from Anne Arundel County, Md. police when he saw the wanted poster-style image of him they'd posted on Facebook, seeking information that might lead to his arrest. Naturally, he left a comment.

Retail monster Amazon announced a quarterly loss yesterday, sending the stock down and causing widespread grumbling about maniacal CEO Jeff Bezos' corporate spending habits. This seems like an opportune time to hear from some Amazon employees.

Yesterday, the U.N. resident and humanitarian coordinator in Iraq warned reporters that ISIS — the Sunni militant group taking over Iraq and Syria — had ordered 4 million women and girls in Mosul to undergo genital mutilation. Today, analysts say the written fatwa Jacqueline Badcock based her warning on is fake.

Police say a Brooklyn woman was brutally dismembered and had her body parts strewn across a 40-mile stretch of Long Island, all because she reportedly refused to pay her fake landlord $200 for unreliable utilities.

Gwyneth Paltrow, a book author, is not someone we commonly associate with libraries, because they have dust, and that dust is not macrobiotic. But she is a dedicated reader, or, at least, a dedicated recommender of books, a fact of which we have clear and incontrovertible proof in the latest issue of GOOP.

Police arrested Bemidji, Minnesota man Chad Pickering yesterday for allegedly shooting his 17-year-old neighbor three times after she told him to stop riding his lawnmower into her yard.

Before you complain that George R.R. Martin is living it up at Comic-Con this weekend instead of finishing the Winds of fucking Winter already, consider that he's just doing some important character research. To understand Daenerys Targaryen, he must become Daenerys Targaryen.

The quiet of a hospital in the Philadelphia-area suburbs was broken yesterday when an armed mental patient killed a caseworker and got into a gunfight with his armed psychiatrist.

Rachel Canning, the New Jersey high school cheerleader who sued her parents for child support and college tuition, filed a restraining order against her boyfriend this week. It totally sucks, but her parents were kind of right about this guy.

Hey, what's up, good morning to you. In the news today is sports, weather, and nuclear disaster (potentially).