Kendall Jenner, professional Kardashian, passed the Turing Test this weekend by leaving a 30 percent tip on an expensive meal, proving herself indistinguishable from an actual human customer. Inexplicably, no one has presented her or her creator, artificial intelligence pioneer Kris Jenner, with a goddamn medal.

Central Park, this weekend, felt like a painting to me. Here were all these kids, many of them rich as kings, running around carefree while the situation in Ferguson, Mo., tightened like a fist. I'm thinking specifically of "Landscape With The Fall of Icarus," of course, about which there's this famous poem:

So you've just been arrested, and you're wondering what you should wear when you're booked into jail. Worry not, as there's one surefire way to nail it with style and grace: just wear any old shirt, but print the mugshot from a previous arrest on the front. You'll knock 'em out.

Washington Post columnist and professional liar Jennifer Rubin is tethered to reality by only the lightest of threads, which is why she understands that recently indicted swaggering moron Rick Perry has never looked stronger as a presidential candidate.

The strongest man in Westeros is now also the strongest man in Europe. Hafþór "Thor" Björnsson—who plays Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane on Game of Thrones—lifted more heavy things than his opponents at a competition in Leeds, England earlier this month to claim the title of Europe's Strongest Man 2014.

On Friday, a white lady named Clara Vondrich had her iPhone stolen out of her hand in Williamsburg but was able to catch one of the thieves, a 13-year-old boy. This story made it into the New York Post, and in the process taught us all important lessons about what not to do when you're able to capture your own child mugger.

Cool Pope Francis confirmed today that it is acceptable for the U.S. to use force in Iraq in order to protect religious minorities. He explained to the Associated Press:

Spoiler alert:

An autopsy on Michael Brown's body conducted by the St. Louis County medical examiner's office found that the slain teen had marijuana in his system at the time of his death, the Washington Post reports.

The Liberian government admitted today that 17 suspected Ebola sufferers have gone "missing" from a West Point district clinic. Lewis Brown, the Information Minister, told the BBC the patients went "back into their communities." The government previously denied the patients left, claiming they were simply moved to another hospital.

After ordering the deployment of the state's National Guard to Ferguson, Mo. this morning, Governor Jay Nixon has also announced a reprieve from the midnight curfew he imposed for the town over the weekend.

Months before Robin Williams took his own life after struggling with severe depression and the early stages of Parkinson's Disease, the actor made this heartbreaking personal video for a New Zealand woman with terminal cancer.

It took an Alabama family five hours to wrestle a 15-foot-long alligator from a swamp in Camden, Ala. over the weekend—the largest legal alligator killing by an Alabama hunter ever. After breaking a winch used to weigh gator catches, Wildlife and Freshwater Fisheries Biologists used a backhoe to lift the gator's body, which came in at 1,011.5 pounds.

In the writing world, there is a hierarchy. The writers are on the bottom. Above them are editors, who tell the writers what to change. This is backwards. How many good writers has Big Edit destroyed?

Miley Cyrus has been in mourning for her dog, Floyd, ever since he passed away back in April. She's built shrines to him, she's gotten Floyd tattoos with her fans, and now her ultimate tribute has nearly been realized. It's a light-up bong the size of a sixth grader, just like Floyd undoubtedly would have wanted.

Michael Brown's family believes Ferguson Police officer Darren Wilson should be arrested for killing their son, attorney Benjamin Crump said at a press conference this morning. The conference came after an autopsy requested by the family showed Brown was shot at least six times.

In the New York Times this weekend, Sam Tanenhaus, a scholar of the conservative movement, tried to make sense of the millennial generation. From reading his article one can only conclude that Tanenhaus wants all millennials to die.

Iowa state representative Henry Rayhons, a Republican, was arrested over the weekend for having sex with his mentally incapacitated wife after a judge instructed him not to. Police told the Des Moines Register that Rayhons "abused his wife in May at the nursing home where she lived." Donna Rayhons suffered from Alzheimer's disease, and she died earlier this month.

Time Inc. has fallen on hard times. Would you believe that this once-proud magazine publishing empire is now explicitly rating its editorial employees based on how friendly their writing is to advertisers?