Most of us will never feel as much joy in our lives as Grover the Pug felt when he discovered his playpen had been converted into a ball pit. This is perhaps the most pure, uncut happiness one tiny, brachycephalic dog body can hold.

Chloe Sevigny, who is still here, has a new interview in the Daily Beast. What's up with Chloe, besides basically nothing? She kind of hates New York now. Not much is very autentico anymore. Even the thrift shops suck! Blah blah blah Harmony Korine blah blah blah Vincent Gallo blow job blah blah. Remember the '90s? Kim's Video. Club kids. Max Fish. What is iPhone?

Vice President Joe Biden, my friend and yours, is not out here to fuck around, no matter how you slice it. To ISIS, terrorists, or anyone at all whose primary goal is to intimidate and injure Americans, Biden has a clear message: all of you will reside in hell. Good riddance, you pieces of shit.

Teens these days: they're watching this Miley Cyrus person, they're becoming interested in sexual activity, they're ... they're twerking. One high school principal has had enough. Mount Anthony Union High School's fearless leader Sue Maguire canceled this fall's homecoming dance because of this "highly sexualized form of dancing."

A clown working a dunk tank at Memphis, Tenn.'s Delta Fair was supposed to throw out insults at fairgoers to provoke them into dunking him, but he was fired after a black family reported his commentary had taken a racist turn.

Welp, it was easy to see this one coming: Iggy Azalea and Charli XCX's "Fancy" is the official song of the summer of 2014, according to Billboard, which derives its rankings from a combination of airplay and sales data (white privilege and black magic are, apparently, not part of the criteria or so they say). "Fancy" spent every week atop Billboard's Songs of the Summer chart (which runs from Memorial Day to Labor Day) and has sold about 3.5 million units in the U.S. It spent seven weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 (the pop chart) and provoked a lot of thoughtful discourse (some of it angry), much like last year's official song of the summer, "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, T.I., and Pharrell Williams. Though they're associated with feel-good times and lazy days, our songs of the summer tend to make us think hard (or at least act like we're doing so on Twitter).

Alex Robinson, resident of the great city of Boston, Massachusetts, discovered a heartwarming message—presumably written by a benevolent former resident—while pulling up floorboards during a renovation of his Charlestown home.

The latest Bloomberg analysis shows that Whole Foods "has become one of the cheaper chains for grocery shopping in Manhattan." Of course. Fuck.

Lakewood, Wash. police responded to a call last Friday evening from a tax driver who claimed to have a rider that refused to pay his fare. When police arrived, KOMO reports, the rider, 45-year-old Maurice Barb, asked police to arrest him. They refused, and at Barb's request, dropped him off at a nearby Denny's.

The above mugshot belongs to Brandy Allen, 31, an Arkansas woman arrested on Labor Day for allegedly stealing $144 worth of eye makeup from a mall cosmetics store. Fayetteville police say she grabbed "handfuls of makeup without looking at the color or labels. She didn't appear to be checking prices, either."

New evidence collected by Human Rights Watch shows that the mass executions ISIS committed in June were on a larger scale than anyone imagined. Previously, ISIS bragged that it executed 1,700 soldiers near Tikrit around June 14. Only about 160 of those deaths were confirmed by HRW then, but now the group says 560 to 770 Iraqis were mass killed.

A federal judge ruled today that Louisiana's gay marriage ban is constitutional. U.S. District Court Judge Martin Feldman's ruling is the first to uphold a gay marriage ban since the Supreme Court struck down DOMA last year.

Amid the ravers, art freaks, and dust-covered Earth mothers of Burning Man 2014, one man likely stood out from the rest: Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform and all-around conservative icon, who made his first trip to the playa this year.

Jimmy Fallon has returned from his break—did you notice he was gone?—with a challenge designed to play up his particular talents: The Wheel of Musical Impressions. Unfortunately, his guest is attractive douche Adam Levine, whose ability at singing impersonations turns out to exceed Jimmy's own.

Edward Lazear, a former economic adviser to George W. Bush, argues today that cutting carbon emissions enough to mitigate global warming is a lost cause, and we are better off pursuing a strategy of "adaptation" to a fiery new world. This is why pessimists should not be in charge.

Theodore Wafer, the man convicted of shooting and killing 19-year-old Renisha McBride on his Dearborn Heights, Michigan porch last November, was sentenced to 17 years for second-degree murder.

Kevin Adorno, 28, was on a bicycling trip from Maryland to Miami. He was planning to propose to girlfriend at the end of his trip. On the final leg of his journey, he stopped at a McDonald's in Vero Beach, Fla., where he was fatally stabbed by a homeless man. He was reportedly on the phone with his girlfriend at the time and police found the engagement ring on him after he was pronounced dead.

Here's Dion Beary playing that one Mumford and Sons song about love, the one where the singing gets all quiet and then the strumming grows more emphatic and the singing gradually escalates to a shout—or "every Mumford and Sons song, basically."

In a desperate move to save their remaining beer sponsorships, the New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade organizers have decided to let one gay group march in the parade in 2015. Mayor Bill de Blasio, Guinness, and Sam Adams all boycotted the parade this year, which clearly scared the organizers into what they say is only "political correctness."

A report soon to be issued by the MTA warns of what any New Yorker who took the train to work yesterday already knows: on a sticky summer day, subway platforms get really fucking hot.