As you can see above, Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock recently played commando with a few strapping West Point cadets. “Challenged by cadets at West Point to complete the Combat Water Survival Lab which is their toughest requirement for graduation,” Schock wrote on Instagram today, before quoting the Associated Press’ description of the lab’s “deafening noise” and “simulated battlefield chaos.” Sounds exciting!

The Handie, a made-in-USA, food-grade silicone handjob robot, is seeking funding on Indiegogo. The "all-in one finishing tool for men" does everything: vibrates, simulates penetration, self-lubricates, looks like Thing from the Addams Family with tumors. Everything!

Late yesterday, the Fifth Circuit handed down a decision which, as every headline (including ours) will tell you, threatens to close most of the abortion clinics left in Texas. This is beyond awful because thousands of women will be without health care.

Talentless human scabs Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have welcomed a child into this world. Mazel tov to them. I retained slight hope that they might name their baby something cool, like Leah Finnegan, but alas—reality serves to annihilate the possibility that celebrities might make good choices. And thus Ashton and Mila have named the baby girl Wyatt Isabelle.

Welcome to October: the leaves are turning, the nights are getting colder, and college Greek parties are getting even more racist than usual.

Nah.

Capital New York has more details on the tenure of former Vice editor Charles Davis, who was fired after not running a blog post about the NFL "up the flagpole" to his employer's advertising department before publishing it.

When 17-year-old L.A. rapper Jamal Gutierrez (a.k.a. A-F-R-O) released a controversial freestyle on R.A. the Rugged Man's YouTube channel last month, no one seemed to believe the kid's multisyllabic rhymes were spontaneous. "This shit is not only written but very well rehearsed," went the top YouTube comment.

The two Louisiana high school teachers accused of having a threesome with their 16-year-old student have been released on bail. What's more: One of the accused teachers is the daughter of one of only three judges in St. Charles Parish, raising questions about the necessity of appointing an outside judge.

Sam Pepper, a YouTube personality and former UK Big Brother contestant, has been accused of raping several young women in recent weeks, BuzzFeed reports.

Carlos Lopez, a Hollywood stuntman whose credits include the Hunger Games: Catching Fire, died in Lisbon, Portugal after a parkour move gone wrong: He fell to his death trying to leap from the fifth floor window of his hostel onto a balcony of the opposite building. Lopez, 25, was apparently traveling with his girlfriend, who witnessed the fall.

Game of Thrones fans despaired in August that the Croatian film board had nixed a scene that was essential to Cersei Lannister's character arc (and also to televising actress Lena Headey's bare breasts). But after a compromise between the forces of religion and premium cable nudity, the scene was shot yesterday in Dubrovnik.

With Times Square's costumed characters in the news recently for being even more of a shitshow than usual, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog visited New York City's most notorious furry quarantine zone to add his insults to their injuries.

Hong Kong's Beijing-approved chief executive, Leung Chun-ying, will speak with protesters that have occupied the city's major thoroughfares for the past week. The group, a coalition of university students and other pro-democracy advocates, have decried Beijing's decision to vet candidates in elections and have demanded for Leung to resign. While protests and demonstrations began with great fervor last weekend, numbers are beginning to wane in some districts.

A Nevada woman shot her stalker last week after she woke up to the sounds of him breaking into her house.

An American NBC cameraman working in Liberia tested positive for Ebola today and will be flown to the United States for treatment. The rest of the NBC crew—which includes Chief Medical Editor Dr. Nancy Snyderman—are reportedly being monitored and will be kept in quarantine.

A federal appeals court ruling today effectively closed thirteen abortion clinics in Texas with a ruling Thursday, leaving only five clinics to serve the state's 5 million reproductive-aged women.

Hong Kong is currently in the throes of enormous demonstrations calling for democratic reforms and the ouster of Leung Chun-ying, its chief executive. Today, his 22-year-old daughter posted a very stupid thing on Facebook.

Amanda Bynes' notorious Twitter account has been silent for months, but she appears to be back on Twitter under the guise of a "fashion designer" named Ashley Barks, a.k.a. @PersianLa27. Bynes denied having a secret account in March, after InTouch outed her as PersianLa, but "Ashley" has continued tweeting in the voice of Amanda Bynes since then.

Four years ago, Andrew "Weev" Aurenheimer poked an easy hole in Apple's iPad security, exposed the information of 114,000 users, and embarrassed both that company and AT&T. He spent a year in prison before his sentence was tossed out, becoming a hacker hero in the process—and also, apparently, a neo-Nazi.