A good way to quit smoking: start associating cigarettes with pension funds.

Beach season has arrived, which means its time to stock up on sunscreen, flip-flops, and a heightened awareness of your own mortality.

Local governments and police departments are known to be worse than shady about making records of police violence public, but releasing an overwhelming amount of information all at once can also be an obfuscating tactic.

The University of North Carolina system has finally taken a firm stance against its state’s so-called “bathroom bill.” UNC system president Margaret Spellings said in a federal court yesterday that she has no plans to enforce the state law requiring transgender people to use bathrooms that match the sex on their birth certificate. The law applies to public schools and many public buildings.

In preparation for the Republican National Convention in July, Cleveland police have been stocking up on apocalyptic tools like hand-held radiation detection units and mass casualty incident trailer supplies. But there’s one piece of equipment they don’t intend to be using much of: body cameras.

As the Republican National Convention and likely coronation of Donald Trump as Republican presidential nominee approaches, the numbers of protestors showing up at Trump events have swelled. So have arrests.

At a rally in Fresno, California today, newfound irrigation expert Donald Trump finally revealed the solution to the drought that’s been crippling California for the past five years: Turn the water back on, idiots.

After Trump gave a half-joking sort of non-answer to Bernie Sanders’ request to debate during Jimmy Kimmel Live earlier this week, Trump has finally clarified his answer that “if [Bernie] paid a nice sum for a charity, I would love to [debate]!” The clarification being that Trump, in fact, meant “no.”

We already knew that Cleveland was prepping for a riot gear-paved hell should the situation at the upcoming Republican National Convention turn dire. Now, thanks to Cleveland.com, we’ve learned that cops are also keeping 200 beds open at the Cuyahoga County Jail just in case.

The actress Amber Heard has filed for divorce and a restraining order against Johnny Depp, claiming he smashed an iPhone in her face during an argument last weekend, TMZ reports.

It’s the classic multi-millionaire’s dilemma: You’ve found the perfect South-of-the-Highway Hamptons home—but what do you name the shell company you’re buying it through?

Yesterday, conspiracy theorist radio host Alex Jones groveled before his former king, former Presidential candidate Ron Paul, and begged him to to love Jones’ new king, failed mail-order meat salesman Donald Trump.

A throat is slit, heads are lopped off, buildings crumble, bodies dissolve, Wolverine’s metal claws plunge into multiple living bodies, and little more than a spritz of blood is shed during the two-and-a-half-hour running time of Bryan Singer’s X-Men: Apocalypse. The latest entry in 20th Century Fox’s 16-year-old franchise is its worst, as it manages to be both overstuffed with characters yet empty in its depiction of them. It’s a low-to-no-stakes narrative in an ever-unfolding franchise, and Apocalypse seems mostly to exist because, well, it’s time for a new X-Men movie.

In 2011, the most awful scandal in the history of college athletics was exposed when it was revealed that Jerry Sandusky, a longtime coach at Penn State, had groomed and sexually abused teenage boys in the locker room of the school’s hallowed football stadium over a period decades, and that further the abuse had been covered up by university officials who deemed the sanctity of their football program to be paramount to any form of tangible justice for the victims.

Ryan Bundy, son of Cliven Bundy and former armed militia cosplayer, is not having a very nice time in jail. According to a status report filed earlier this week, not only is he not allowed to hang out with his (also imprisoned) brother Ammon—the guards won’t even let him have his guns.

In their latest bid to become the Russia Today to Donald Trump’s Vladimir Putin, Fox News ran an hour-long special on Thursday commanding viewers to “Meet the Trumps.” It, uh, was something else.

C’mon, guess.

On Thursday, the Department of Homeland Security announced that 41 Secret Service employees have been disciplined in connection with a leak intended to embarrass the Republican congressman tasked with overseeing the agency.