Today is the 45th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's assassination, the subject of a new novel and unending, inconclusive debate. We may never know the real answer about what happened that day in Dallas, although the coming years will see more and more declassified documents released to the public, finishing with Jackie O's oral history about JFK that enters the public domain in 2044 if all her children have passed on. The photos and footage of that day tells a grave story that eclipses mere words. Click for images that will still move you 45 years after the fact:

It's official — the exhaustive presidential show of pretending to consider a public school for the Obama daughters is over. They'll be attending Chelsea Clinton's alma mater, the Sidwell Friends School. Tuition will cost the the family $28,442 for Sidwell's Lower School in Maryland, and $29,442 per annum once the girls graduate to the Washington D.C. campus. It's a heady and not terribly unusual place for Malia and Sasha Obama's respective political careers to begin, and we'll show you a tour of the grounds these two rapscallions will soon traverse:Founded by Quakers — America's most useful religious minority — in 1883, the school renovated its 50 year main building in 2006, and turned it green:

Before the Criterion Collection came along, the idea of releasing a film in widescreen format or with a commentary track was silly. Consumers didn't want that extra crap! Now every film eventually gets an overdone production full of extras, and Criterion is having a harder time carving out a niche in the marketplace for their pricey, tricked-out releases. We say that because the company is offering a 40 percent off sale (!) for three more days. Details, and whether the company can survive the economic downturn, after the jump.It happens in every field. Innovation changes up a staid industry, and leads to wholesale changes. The company that spearheads the innovation benefits initially, but the real positive effect is on the consumer and a more efficient marketplace. And as a result, the original company can't differentiate itself in the same way it did when it arrived on the scene.

Every Thursday and Saturday, I have the same nightmare. When I wake up in the morning to read the Times on those days, the dream is made real...all over the op-ed page. Her name is Gail Collins. Once the paper's editorial page director, she now writes twice a week, and when those days come around, I'd rather listen to Thomas Friedman say "flat" 800 times than read a single word she writes. Today she has topped herself with the most banal column in the history of the op-ed genre. Don't believe me? The close is "Time for a change." Experience the worst:Collins' reign over the Times op-ed page until the end of 2006 wasn't altogether a hapless one - she brought along a number of popular columnists. (She did move Frank Rich to the op-ed page, where the best columnist on the paper got a larger platform.) We can't personally testify to any of her editing abilities, but she must have been one hell of a re-writer to have stayed with the paper this long as a weekly writer. She makes Maureen Dowd's column ideas look unique and original. The only advantage she has on Maureen is that she's not a racist (probably). The theme of today's opus is on her impatience for Barack Obama to replace George W. Bush. Thanks, Gail — you've taken what we're all thinking, albeit weeks ago, and somehow turned that into a column. A long column. A column that actually contains the words, "Can I see a show of hands? How many people want George W. out and Barack in?" More boring than outright bad, here's the kind of high level thinking that Gail makes you do:

As we learned from the lawsuit filed to open Christian dating site eHarmony to homosexuals, everyone wants to take advantage of Neil Clark Warren's methodology that pairs compatible couples. Per the terms of this week's settlement between the dating site and the state of New Jersey, eHarmony will create Compatible Partners, a separate but equal branch of the popular dating site. Congrats to the gays, but those on the straighter side don't really care who uses eHarmony: they just want the unfair barrier to insanely popular gay dating side Manhunt eradicated. New Jersey, tear down that wall!EHarmony was launched in 2000 by evangelical Christian PhD Neil Clark Warren, and purports to base itself on research of heterosexual couples. Following in the footsteps of the once staunchly hetero Jewish site JDate, the new sit Compatible Partners will use the same hokum to cater to a different clientele. The New Jersey Law Against Discrimination has had strange bedfellows before, and now some are suggesting it's only a matter of time before other niche websites will be forced to admit everyone. The fight against discrimination rolls on! Here comes the story of the Hurricane: it's long past time that popular gay cruising site ManHunt includes str8s. We felt the bear pain of computer programmer/petitioner Eric McKinley, 46, who described the frustration that straight users of Manhunt must feel every single day of their lives:

[Al Pacino desperately searching his phone for his stylist's number, image from X17, click for the big version]

Teen vampire romance Twilight is finally yours to enjoy in theaters, and one day later, it's already the best debut for a female director ever. The first numbers indicate the film has made $32.7 million so far, and online ticket purchases haven't been this hot since The Dark Knight. The film will have doubled its miniscule budget by the time the weekend is over, but if you're not a fan of the books, is it worth getting good with Twilight? We review the most important film of this or any other generation:

With recent MTA budget cuts and fare increases across the board to come next year, soon riding the New York City subway will be a privilege reserved for the few that can afford it. Somewhere along the way, the city's travelers will transfer from whatever line they're riding on to an express train as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It lies between the pit of man's fear and the summit of his knowledge. Via the seminal Tofutti Break, those passengers will be riding the subway known as The Douchebag Express. Click here to ride it.

Sixty-four percent of the way through Minnesota's recount in the Senate race between Republican Norm Coleman and Democrat Al Franken, the conservative remains ahead by 120 votes, about half his original lead. Unlike the hateful and anxious conflict over Florida's recount in 2000, this Minnesota recount is nothing more than a pleasure, with fun disputed ballots and two candidates willing to humiliate themselves to get any vote counted. Minnesota Public Radio has more disputed ballots for you to weigh in on, and while they can't top the classic Lizard People write-in vote, they demand your democratic attention:Challenged ballots in Florida smell like senior citizens, but challenged ballots in Minnesota are brisk, cold, and snappy. Things were looking good for Al Franken's chances of overcoming Coleman's tiny lead, but he needs more help to secure a victory. That's why every single controversial ballot is eliciting a challenge from both campaigns, no matter how small the question may be. Challenged ballots from Day 3 of counting don't display quite that same level of ingenuity as the genius of the Lizard People ballot, but it is amazing what each campaign will resort to arguing:

Adults don't have Sesame Street, they just have Suze Orman and James Cramer and other financial wizards to turn to for life advice. We're forced to look in other places for common-sense tips during tough economic times, like magazines, prositutes, and of course sitcoms. The most recent episode of The Office presented an instructive example: Dunder Mifflin salesman Jim Halpert bought a house for his new bride-to-be Pam Beasley. Did he make the right call in investing in the Scranton real estate market, and what did he probably pay to make his parents' former residence stay in the Halpert family? Plus, deleted scenes from this week's episode.Fresh off the disappointment of not being able to learn Flash, let alone PHP or Drupal, Scranton's Pam Beasley passively aggressively expressed her general displeasure with life by writing a mean note from "Disappointed" to whoever left a disgusting mess in the microwave. We feel for you, Pam. Jim couldn't sense Pam's unhappiness. He was more worried about how she'd react to the awesome big decision he made without ever telling his partner. Males not named Tony Soprano would risk having their balls severed for the gesture, but in this moving clip Jenna Fischer was totally walled off, implying either a subtle shout-out to Monica Bellucci's famous scene in Irreversible, or that she just can't act: Click to view

· Twilight and its bad FX brought squealing throngs to Westwood. Leading lady Kristen Stewart was not impressed. · Celebrate Hugh Jackman — your 2008 Sexiest Man Alive With a Really Long Movie Opening Next Week! · The Star Trek trailer looks pretty good and everything, but we'll save our $10 for the 90210-tinged sequel. · We'd rather lose 100 Dirty Sexy Moneys than spend a single afternoon without Deidre Hall. Oh well. · Every time David Archuleta reads Defamer, an angel gets its wings. · Ben Silverman stayed busy with Brooke Shields drama and a date with Charlie Rose. No, not that kind of date. Sheesh! · Which mustache-culture icon is George Clooney's new look channeling? Vote now! · Wanda Sykes's gay marriage was an unapologetic act of anarchy against double indemnity. Or... something. · Seth Meyers and Co. devoted almost an entire episode of Saturday Night Live to ridiculing gays. But please don't hold that against them. · Regardless of what Barbara Walters says, the ladies of The View never would have failed their weekly vocabulary test had Rosie O'Donnell been in the studio. · For the record, Miley Cyrus is not dead. A surly, giggly pain in the ass, though? That part is true, unfortunately. · A reflective Britney Spears remembered the bad times and the... bad times. · Believe it or not, The Worst Publicist in the World outdid himself. We'll drink to that.

· She may not have the palpable sexual chemistry with Stephen Colbert that she enjoys with Jay Leno or Snoop Dogg, but we could still really kick back all day to watch these two make gilded mistletoe orbs or whatever the hell it is they're up to. · Awwww...look at the little Shiba Ee-dudes frolicking around in there. Enjoy them now before they get bigger and are sent off to loving homes. · Getty stock photos + Sasha Fierce song titles = seconds of fun. · Car crash rocks the set of 30 Rock! Don't worry—everyone's OK. · Bid now on Jenna Jameson's couch! Yikes—off-white silk. Fairly stain-unforgiving choice for a porn star. · God bless Pax Jolie-Pitt: He still hoards his food in case his parents should change their mind and return him. Smart kid.

Do you have Twilight fever yet? You may acquire that, plus a communicable disease, if you're one of the five lucky commenters to win this week's COTW prize: a bite on the neck from Twilight star Robert Pattinson! Runners-up, you get a disinterested peck on the forehead from Pattinson's costar, the barely-roused Kristen Stewart. Try a little harder next time, OK? On to the winners!· Old No.7 on Shoot Your Eye Out This Christmas In The 'Christmas Story' House!: No tongue stuck on the pole? Damn, those Prop 8 bastards are everywhere! · taraniso on 5 Suggestions For Improving the Generally Hideous 'Jonas Brothers Concert Movie' Poster: Three powerful, yet visually stunning, bolts of lightning. Not for the photo, just in general. · Wendy_Kroy on Kim Masters Attempts to Lay Out Defamer-Sourced Case for Ben Silverman's Homosexuality: Coming soon... Beijing Ben: Delicious Journeys Through Upfronts for the Purpose of Making Clueless Writers Cite Defamer for Homosexual Rumors. · CollierLibra on Possessed Serial Killer Deidre Hall Loses 'Days' Gig In Soap Opera Restructuring: I love that a real guy named Drake plays a fake guy named John on a soap opera. · metroville on New Chuck Norris Fact: Thinks Gays Are Anarchists: I hate it when people mistake the public's ironic enjoyment of them for merit. Congratulations to all our posters. May your weekend be full of impossibly chaste teen romance! (Except in cases where that's against the law.)

We make fun of everything here, even death. But it's still too soon to laugh over the three SiPort employees gunned down by a coworker, or the misguided teenager who overdosed live on Justin.tv. That said, next week will be open season on the newest little Googler and Barack Obama's Warcraft-addicted policymaker. Life goes on, and we have a job to do. (Photo by acaben)

We've pushed Defamer's overworked, underpaid Twilight Bureau as far as it can go this week, and why not: Variety now reports that the film will pull in $30 million today, establishing it on the lower end of the 20 all-time best opening-day grosses. Among other attributes, Robert Pattinson's dense, unruly mop of hair has been of particular interest to the ticketbuying public, whose every tousle, stroke, pat and otherwise swoony self-grooming invariably culminate in hormonal yelps of appreciation from his female fan base. But when asked by Ellen DeGeneres today about that hair's appeal, Pattinson simply raked through it once more — and once more, and once again, and again — in dumbfounded wonder before confessing, "I have no idea." As the accompanying hair-touching highlight reel suggests, however, we think someone doth protest too much. On the other hand, if we only washed our hair once a month (if that), we'd probably have the same curiosity. Carry on, Rob. [Ellen]

FRIDAY · Music round-up: Rodriguez at The Echo, Lucinda Williams at the Wiltern, and Aretha Franklin at the mofo House of Blues, y'all! · Matt Besser’s Freak Dance: The Forbidden Dirty Boogaloo is at the UCB Theater. · Sandra Berhard performs at the Orpheum. Cheap tickets still available!SATURDAY · Of Montreal at the Palladium, O'Death at Spaceland, and Dusseldorf-based pianist Volker Bertelmann (aka Hauschka) at Largo. · Robert Lepage/Ex Machina's The Blue Dragon continues at UCLA's Freud Playhouse. · For The Glory Of Steel: "The Steve Allen Theater joins forces with the Society for Creative Anachronism to bring you a night of WAR — with real battle, in full-on armor. No holding back!" Music by metal gods CROM! FUCK YEAH!!! SUNDAY · Yeasayer at the Troubadour, Chelsea Chen on the Disney Hall pipe organ, Backstreet Boys at the Palladium (you know you want it), probably wishing they were with NKOTB at The American Music Awards at the Nokia. · Royal/T and Valley of the Dolls present Royal Doll Tea Party—sort of anime meets high tea. Rad!

What did Belgium do to Red Eye's Andrew Levy? We've never really given the country much thought, to be honest. But apparently someone at Fox News' second funniest late-night offering has been deeply offended by the nation and wants revenge. Did you know the Belgians murdered Paddington Bear and are so stupid they fish for cows? We're guessing that Greg Gutfeld (or one of his writers) was either stabbed or dumped in Belgium. Or he's still not over his Chimay hangover. (Thanks go to intern Shannon for the clip!)

It's a night full of escort romances - from the scandalous to the necessary-for-the-sake-of-comedy. We can say with a clean conscience that we have never employed the services of an escort, unless you count our pity dates to junior year homecoming. Between the bid, limo and dinner, it was only about $100, so we probably got a good deal for that awkward make-out session. WATCH 20/20 [10 PM, ABC] - Diane Sawyer finally talks to Ashley Dupré about life as former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-end escort and her music career. One assumes Ashley and ABC waited until after the election to air this to ensure that they received as much attention as possible. Let's hope Ashley has been saving some of that hard-earned dough.

E!'s Kristin Dos Santos brings us more news on the suddenly snowballing Arrested Development movie, including the new information that the film is budgeted at $15 million (around what we'd estimate the theatrical ceiling is for this property, though homevid sales should be killer). However, her most interesting tidbit, divulged to her by a principal cast member wishing to remain anonymous, is what the reaction is to someone (cough Michael Cera cough) who's not so keen on the big screen transfer:

Layoffs suck. At least we're still alive. But still: Next week, I'll handle Valleywag all by myself while Owen takes an overdue vacation. Week after that, I'll be gone and Owen, my partner in misbehavior since 1996, will go back to early 2007's org chart: Owen Thomas, Owen Thomas, and Owen Thomas. (I have work, don't worry.) No crying allowed, but this is our last caption contest so please, please, make it a good one. We'll take the best comment and turn it into this post's permanent, permanent headline. Yesterday's winner is longtailwagsthevalley, for "I'm born lucky." (Photo by Jason Calacanis)