Some fans favor the Seahawks to win this year's Super Bowl. Others, the Patriots. All of them, alas, are fools. That's because Super Bowl XLIX has already been won, hours before kickoff, by figure skating legend and fashion icon Johnny Weir.

Katy Perry, a person, will perform at the Super Bowl XLIX half-time show, for people, this afternoon. Meanwhile, Katty Furry, a cat, performed at the Puppy Bowl XI half-time show, for puppies.

In the White House's budget for fiscal year 2016, to be officially announced Monday, Barack Obama will call for a one-off, 14 percent tax on earnings held by multinational companies overseas, The Guardian reports. There is an estimated $2 trillion in such untaxed earnings.

On Sunday, gritty gravy god Mike Huckabee appeared on CNN's State of the Union to offer a number of regrettable analogies about homosexuality, comparing it, variously, to drinking, classical music and bacon-wrapped shrimp.

A new video appears to show a New Rochelle police officer pulling his gun on a group of black teens who had reportedly been having a snowball fight. "Don't fucking move, guys," the officer tells them, before frisking two kneeling on the ground.

Want a picture of the future? Imagine Chris Christie in a Philadelphia radio station last June. Then imagine a human butt falling out of a chair.

Fourth-grader Aiden Stewart was suspended Friday for bringing what he claimed was the One Ring, forged by Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, to school, the Odessa American reports. Stewart told a classmate the ring could make him disappear, which, if it really were the One Ring, it could.

A toddler accidentally shot his father and his eight-months-pregnant mother in an Albuquerque motel room on Saturday, the Albuquerque Journal reports. According to the paper, both parents are expected to survive.

Peter Greste, one of three Al Jazeera journalists convicted last summer of conspiring with the Muslim Brotherhood to broadcast false news, has been released from prison and deported, the Associated Press reports.

Saturday night, Justin Timberlake announced via Instagram that he and an unnamed, seemingly Caucasian torso (maybe his wife's?) are expecting a child.

Boko Haram's second attempt to take the major northeastern Nigerian city of Maiduguri in a week was defeated Sunday, leaving an estimated hundreds of fighters and around a dozen civilians dead, the Associated Press reports.

According to "a source close to the family," Bobbi Kristina Brown, the only child of the late Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, was placed in a medically induced coma on Saturday after being found unresponsive in a bathtub, CNN reports.

Sometimes, if you are a dog, you are the dog with the ball. Usually, however, you are not. When there are two dogs and one ball, only one dog can have the ball. And there is nothing you can do to change that.

After a proposed prisoner swap failed to materialize this week, ISIS released a gruesome video on Saturday purporting to show the beheading of captured Japanese journalist Kenji Goto.

Late last year my cousin went missing. For weeks he was simply just gone. His cell phone was off and any attempt at tracking him was futile. If there were ever a time that I wanted Liam Neeson's character in Taken to be real, this was it.

A pair of Islamic State fighters attributed the militant group's recent withdrawal from Kobani to U.S.-led airstrikes, The Guardian reports. ISIS threatened to overrun the Syrian border-city as recently as October.

According to SFGate, police have detained a man previously identified as a "person of interest" in connection with a suitcase stuffed with dismembered body parts found in San Francisco.

More than 200 FDNY firefighters have been fighting what is now a six-alarm fire at a warehouse in Williamsburg since early this morning, The New York Times reports. More than 200 firefighters are working to contain the fire from both land and boats on the East River.

Bobbi Kristina Brown—the 21-year-old daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown—was rushed to the hospital on Saturday after she was discovered "unresponsive" in a bathtub, CBS reports.

The family of Ramarley Graham, the unarmed teenager shot and killed in his grandmother's bathroom by an NYPD officer in February 2012, has agreed to a $3.9 million settlement in their wrongful death lawsuit against the city, the New York Daily News reports.