Groundhog Predicts Six More Seconds of Biting The Mayor's Ear Off

Jay Hathaway · 02/02/15 05:40PM

Low-rent Punxsutawney Phil impersonator Jimmy the Groundhog has the easy annual task of predicting each February whether Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, will experience six more weeks of winter (yes: it is in Wisconsin). This year, the job got to him a little bit as he whispered his prognostication into Mayor Jonathan Freund's ear: The weather will be—got your ear, sucker! I'm biting your damn ear off! How you like me now?

Debt Forgiveness Is Real

Hamilton Nolan · 02/02/15 05:00PM

Croatia is doing one of the most utopian economic experiments you can imagine: it is clearing its poorest citizens of all their debts. Is this a good idea? Yes. Is it the only idea? Not at all.

Man Kills His Boss Before She Can Report Him For Stealing Thousands 

Aleksander Chan · 02/02/15 03:26PM

Randolph Sanders was arrested by Philadelphia police over the weekend after he confessed to killing his boss. He told police he decided to kill Kim Jones because he suspected she was planning to report him for allegedly stealing money from the child advocacy group they worked for.

McDonald's Is America's Most Cynical Corporation

Hamilton Nolan · 02/02/15 11:46AM

McDonald's, the molded plastic king of America's molded plastic cuisine, has decided that money will no longer suffice to purchase its meager offerings; the company now demands that you degrade yourself in order to be fed.

Pissed Miss Amazon Runner-Up Snatches Crown From Unworthy Queen

Aleksander Chan · 02/02/15 10:53AM

Humility is for the weak. Carol Toledo was crowned Miss Amazon over the weekend in Manaus, Brazil, but Sheislane Hayalla, who placed second, wasn't having it. In a blind fury during the crowning ceremony, she grabs the tiara from Toledo's heads, throws it to the ground, and storms off.

Health Hypocrite Chris Christie Panders to Anti-Vaccination Idiots

Sam Biddle · 02/02/15 10:10AM

New Jersey governor Chris Christie hasn't yet announced his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. But why wait for an official candidacy to start pandering to the country's dumbest elements? Today, just months after trying to imprison an an ebola-exposed nurse, Christie came out against mandatory vaccinations.