Doritos had the public submit proposed Super Bowl ads. Here's a concept that didn't win, for some reason: Pretzels have killed idiot President George W. Bush, eat Doritos instead! Ha. That's "not funny."

Surely this year's Oscars telecast is enshrouded in more secrecy than any other. WHO will be appearing? WHAT will they be doing? HOW will the trophies be distributed? (We think we actually cracked that one.)

As we head into the final installment of preliminary auditions tonight, a very important American Idol question needs to be asked. Is laughing, desperate, weeping Tatiana the most annoying contestant the show's ever had?

The world is coming to an end! Prepare for the apocalypse! Okay, not really, but you'd be excused for feeling that way if you've been listening to anything that Nouriel Roubini, Nassim Nicholas Taleb, or James Grant has to say these days. Fortunately, you can separate the people who are expressing legitimate worry from the people who are just making a mint by scaring the shit out of you with this handy list of "seven attention-hungry doomsayers." [TDB]

CRUISE. WASHINGTON. CRONENBERG. Wait—what? [Variety]

In your almost-Spring Wednesday media column: layoffs at Billboard, Comcast calls the FBI, the continued decline of lunch, and the future of newspapers is here!

[Crazed retired actor Joaquin Phoenix at LAX; image via Bauer-Griffin]

With the fires of NoisyNeighborConstructionGate quenched by a Vitamin Water peace-offering, tweeting lovebirds Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore found themselves in need of a compelling plot on which to hang their his 'n' hers streams-of-Twitter-consciousness.

You know the old joke about how a recession doesn't turn into a depression until an economist loses his job? Economists are losing their jobs. Run for the hills!

In his forthcoming book, Bailout Nation, financial blogger Barry Ritholtz sticks some of the blame for Wall Street's meltdown on credit-rating agencies like S&P. McGraw-Hill owns S&P — and now it's not publishing Ritholtz's book.

Now that the secret is out, it looks like Bruce Wasserstein and new wife Angela Chao are happy to hit the town and pose for photographers. The happy couple made their first public appearance together at Elaine's last night, turning up at Interview's party honoring Patrick McMullan. And Bruce even ditched his tie for the occasion, which suggests Chao's youthfulness is already having an effect on the 61-year-old financier/media mogul. We'll just have to hope it stops there and we don't see him dressed in tight jeans and studded tees anytime soon.

Though Warner Independent Pictures no longer exists, it's comforting to know that WB's deeply boneheaded decision to let Fox Searchlight snatch Slumdog Millionaire away is still immortalized on their website. Click to enlarge.

Alexandra Penney—the stupendously un-self-aware once-rich former magazine editor and sex book author who lost all her money to Bernie Madoff and became our favorite blogger—has a book deal! "Notorious" is the new "Deserving."

Joseph Ratzinger's settled in as pope now, and he's really getting down to business with the crazy this year. What's he been up to and how will affect you?

There's a lot of drama surrounding the Oscar race for Best Actor, but it's not about whether Sean Penn will triumph over Mickey Rourke—it's which lovable trainwreck Rourke should bring as his date.

Dolly Lenz set records in 2006 when she sold an astounding $748 million worth of real estate. (Or so she claims, at least.) Max Abelson files a report in this week's Observer about Dolly's much rockier 2008-09 and the decision to drop the Blackberry-obsessed broker from three very high-profile new projects in recent months. But Dolly's recent stumbles won't prevent her from stepping up to the podium at the Pierre tomorrow night when Prudential Douglas Elliman's hands out its "Broker of the Year" award: "Just as it's been since Dottie Herman and Howard Lorber bought the company in 2003, and as it will be until the day onyx bathrooms and heated-floor kitchens all cease to exist, the award will go to Dolly Lenz." [NYO]

This just in:

Look, we'll be the first to say we love a good Jews Fight Back movie.

• Daily News owner Mort Zuckerman is cutting employee benefits. [NYP]
• Former Self editor and Bernie Madoff victim Alexandra Penney has landed a book deal with Voice, an imprint of Disney's Hyperion Books. [NYT]
• A few photos of Michelle Obama from the new issue of Vogue. [HP]
• How SI's Selena Roberts landed the Alex Rodriguez steroid story. [NYO]
• Former NYDN editor Michael Cooke is leaving Chicago for Toronto. [CT]
• John Grisham is close to signing a big e-book deal with Random House. [WSJ]
• The Justice Department plans to investigate the proposed (and controversial) merger of Ticketmaster and Live Nation. [AP]

It's amazing that people still think they get a do-over on the Internet. Weight-loss consultant Renee Stephens blamed her husband's boorish behavior on ABC's Wife Swap on "stress" — then unpublished her pseudo-apology.