Surely this year's Oscars telecast is enshrouded in more secrecy than any other. WHO will be appearing? WHAT will they be doing? HOW will the trophies be distributed? (We think we actually cracked that one.)

Producers are so banking on the element of the unknown, they have gone to the unprecedented measure of asking A-list stars to avoid the red carpet altogether. Instead they'll use an alternate route that involves walking them through a back Hollywood & Highland alleyway, stepping over several blind child urchins, mounting a freight elevator, then lowering the talent into their orchestra seats via cherrypicker-type device. The LAT reports:

Several publicists, all of whom asked to remain anonymous, said last week that the academy had requested that their firms' clients who are presenters use an off-camera entrance this year. [...]

But it would do so at the cost of upsetting those who feed and benefit from the red-carpet economy. Because one question that probably won't be asked from the Oscar stage is "Who are you wearing?"

It's not just the designers who hate the idea, but an entire industry of showbiz parasites who feed off the scarlet artery—people like Joey Fatone, already panicking at the prospect of winging small talk with some nominobody after carefully preparing a whole slew of "So, what's it like to be a homosexual?" questions for an absent Sean Penn. Stop tinkering with the system, people. It works for a reason: So we can experience candid and fascinating moments like this.