Say what you will about Times columnist Thomas Friedman*, but he at least reports his lousy columns, usually. Not today!

While America's new president is totally cool with you smoking weed, other countries are not so lucky. Did you know Japan is like a dark ages bizarro world that is shocked by ganja? It's true!

It's been more than a decade since Chris Rock first made tabloid headlines when it was reported that he'd had a fling with Monika Zsibrita, a Hungarian model whom he met over Sunday brunch at the Four Seasons in LA. Unfortunately for Rock, the brief liaison has dogged him ever since. Zsibrita later accused him of raping her and suggested he was the father of her child; Rock, in turn, hired Anthony Pellicano to investigate Zsibrita and was forced to testify about his relationship with the disgraced private eye at his wiretapping trial last year. It doesn't appear Rock will be able to put the matter behind him anytime soon. Although no charges were ever filed against Rock—and paternity tests concluded he wasn't the father of her child—Zsibrita slapped Rock with a civil suit last August, claiming that Rock forced himself on her, had dispatched Pellicano to intimidate her, and then had damaged her reputation when he talked about the case on Howard Stern's radio show. (She also disputes the results of the paternity test.) The court documents were sealed when the suit was originally filed last year, but a judge lifted the seal late last week. We've obtained the court papers, and you can have a look at the raunchy allegations for yourself after the jump.

Today we have a politician affair, a gropey hippie, a dissed starlet, a sad boy bander, a secret gay, and an actress with no shame.

Enraged by leaks at his troubled Silicon Valley electric carmaker, CEO Elon Musk cooked up a sophisticated electronic scheme to catch the blabbers. It backfired hilariously on the brilliant entrepreneur, who's a bit blabby himself.

In need of a new career, one that you don't have to be ashamed of, unlike your last job as a corporate attorney or investment banker? Why not become one of the highly trained operatives who pesters the bereaved to pay their dead loved ones' debts? Business is booming in this "newest frontier in debt collecting," because even though the recently-deceased's next of kin aren't legally obligated to pay outstanding Visa and cell phone bills, with a little prodding and tailor-made psychological manipulation, they often do.

• Fox News entertainment correspondent Jill Dobson and her husband Jim Ornstein, a William Morris agent who counts Kelly Ripa as a client, have paid $1.995 million for a two-bedroom condo at 243 West 60th Street. [Cityfile]
• El-Ad is re-listing one of the Plaza's penthouse apartments that became the subject of a lawsuit after the "30-something hedge fund manager" who planned to buy it backed out of the deal. It's expected to go back on the market for an amount that is "astoundingly low" compared to its original $31 million price. [NYO]
• Energy exec Charles Price III paid $3.375 million for the late novelist Elizabeth Hardwick's three-bedroom duplex at 15 West 67th Street. [NYO]

Britney Spears acted out her traumatic past for her concert audiences/group therapy buddies while the Speaker of the House prepared to soak in Brad Pitt's public policy wisdom.

If you've been following the Bernie Madoff affair and you don't have much to do today, Vanity Fair's 13,000-word article on the disgraced money manager, which appears in the April issue, is now online. It's a bit long, yes, but it's full of all sorts of lurid details (and a few fun photos, too, like the one on the left.) Oh, and in case you've been in suspense, Bernie's fave meal at his fave restaurant, Primola, consisted of a "small salad, chicken scarpiello and Diet Coke or red wine." Good to know! [VF]

Whitney Port is turning 24 today. Don't worry if you weren't invited to her party: You'll probably see everything that happened on an upcoming episode of The City. Others celebrating: Actress Patricia Heaton is 51. Les Gelb, president emeritus of the Council on Foreign Relations, is 72. Governor Rick Perry of Texas is turning 59. Heatherette co-founder Traver Rains turns 32. Ad exec Bob Scarpelli is 52. Director Len Wiseman is 36. Times reporter Jim Dwyer turns 52. Actress Andrea Bowen from Desperate Houswives is turning 19. Chastity Bono is turning 40. Emilio Estefan is 56. And Brooklyn Beckham, the offspring of Victoria and David, is turning 10.

The Wall Street Journal's magazine WSJ. was the glossy linchpin of Rupert Murdoch's plan to grow his beloved newspaper's revenue. But instead of minting money like the New York Times' T, it's shriveling.

• If you've noticed Jennifer Aniston's hair looking even more perfect and shiny lately, it's not your imagination. She reportedly spent $50,000 to have her hairstylist accompany her around the world for the Marley & Me's premieres. [DM, P6]
• Britney Spears kicked off her first tour in five years with a concert in New Orleans last night. The early reviews have not been positive, in case you're wondering. [People, DM, MTV]
• Did Chris Brown and Rihanna secretly tie the knot at Diddy's Miami manse? That's what Star is claiming, since Rihanna is "looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25." [Star]
• Breaking! Oprah has adopted a new puppy! [Us]
• Jennifer Lopez borrowed $50,000 worth of jewelry to attend an event last week, but never gave it back. [P6]

• Merrill Lynch's top 10 earners in 2008—a list that Andrew Cuomo will be interested to take a look at—is out. Each made more than $10 million in cash and stock in 2008 as the bank racked up losses of $27.6 billion. [WSJ]
• The private sector lost nearly 700,000 jobs in February. [CNN]
• A UBS exec will address the Swiss bank scandal on Capitol Hill today. [NYT]
• Ben Bernanke yesterday: "If there is a single episode in this entire 18 months that has made me more angry, I can't think of one other than AIG." [BN]
• Bill Ackman's hedge fund dropped in February, Ken Griffin gained. [BN, NYP]
• More than 8.3 million mortgages are underwater, according to a report. [BN]
• Bernie Madoff has agreed to give up rights to his investment firm and company art collection. A hearing scheduled for today to look into conflicts of interest on the part of his lawyer, Ira Sorkin, has been postponed. [AP]

Remember John Edwards, the Southern Gentleman whose lifelong dream of being President Hillary Clinton's veep was ruined when he admitted a marital affair? The National Enquirer continues to torment the has-been politician.

Jimmy Fallon was mercifully blessed to have former Saturday Night Live/Weekend Update co-star Tina Fey on his second show.

HarperCollins paid about $1 million for the U.S. rights to Jonathan Littell's novel, but really what it bought was controversy in a box. That product is working as advertised.

Eric Schmidt is an old dude who just doesn't get Twitter. That groupthink consensus emerged after the Google CEO dismissed the fast-growing messaging service at a conference. But he missed the real critique Twitter deserves.

It's true: Barack Obama's new logo, to be stamped on all stimulus-funded projects, is "less fascist" than the militaristic New Deal logos of the 1930s. Our Stalinist dictator must present a hippie front!

That's not a "major" layoff, as one Valleywag tipster maintained this morning. As Eric Savitz points out in Tech Trader Daily, Apple would have to file through the WARN Act if it was going to conduct major cuts. But the WARN Act does not generally apply to layoffs of fewer than 500 employees.

We're in the middle of a recession, have you heard? If you're like most people and you're looking for ways to keep your budget in check, here are 10 items that hit the market recently that you should probably scratch off your shopping list. At least until the economy turns around or you win the lottery or something.