Some crazy fourth grade teacher in Texas (*Texas joke*) allowed her young charges to write sympathy notes to AIG, of all places, which made AIG execs absolutely weepy. Public education fails again:

Hannah Montana opened big, meaning we get six more years of Miley Cyrus. Fast & Furious continues to do donuts in America's muddy backyard, and those few who Observe'd did not Report good things.

Don't be too tough on yourself if you've ever mixed up Poppy de Villeneuve and Poppy Delevigne. Both are British, both are socialites, both work in fashion (de Villeneuve is a photographer, Delevigne is a model) and both went to the same school—Bedales in West Sussex. So what's the best way to tell them apart? By the company they keep, of course, since de Villeneuve is "often seen downtown" while Delevigne is "spotted at more uptown functions." Problem solved! [NYO]

A Manhattan fertility doctor named Joel Batzofin is now offering a "recession special, "test-tube babies at bargain-basement prices," according to the Daily News. Of course, if a couple can't afford a standard course of in vitro fertilization, it's unclear how they'd be able to afford one kid, much less the multiple children that often result from IVF. But it's possible that Batzofin's "recession special" guarantees octoplets, in which case it could just be the perfect cure-all for financial problems, at least if recent history is any guide. [NYDN]

Now that the Somali Pirates have been decisively...killed, their fellow pirates are vowing to "retaliate." Oh geez. Hey guys, pirates—you're going about this the wrong way. Follow this friendly advice, before you're all destroyed:

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel spent years crafting a reputation as ruthless foul-mouthed cutthroat by sending people dead fish. But today the Washington Post says he's become "more valet than hitman." Ouch.

[Former actress Melanie Griffith watches an Easter parade from a balcony in Malaga, Spain; image via INF]

Today we have a starlet with a secret same-sex tryst, a fading actor who had a quickie with a fan, an actress who gives hobos her autograph, and an actress about to have an intervention.

Larry King eating lunch at Michael's ... Heidi Klum returning to her hotel in Soho with an armful of kids' clothes and toys ... Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze going to breakfast with Matilda in Brooklyn ... Denzel Washington sitting in an SUV outside his hotel in Midtown ... Chace Crawford carrying a cup of coffee in the West Village ... Katy Perry leaving her hotel in Midtown ... Iman shopping in Soho ... Whitney Houston arriving at LaGuardia ... Matthew Broderick leaving his West Village townhouse ... Rachel Zoe walking by herself ... Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr leaving dinner at One Lucky Duck on East 19th Street ... and Martin Scorsese standing on the sidewalk with wife Helen and daughters Domenica and Francesca following Easter dinner in Midtown.

Madonna and Jolie want more babies, tennis players are lesbians, American Girls: Changes for Whitney, Miley Cyrus is a literary scholar, and Chris Brown is dating again. Shame.

Padma Lakshmi takes it off for the April issue of Allure, which the mag dubs its "Nude Issue." In the accompanying Q&A, Padma says she enjoys spending her free time in the buff, since she's a "sensual-leaning woman." Let's all take a moment to be thankful that Padma's boyfriend, Teddy Forstmann, doesn't spend his free time attired in quite the same manner:

Bernie Madoff's going to be locked up for infinity, but the fate of his family members is still up in the air. But guess who thinks those family members are going to prison? They do!

Watching your favorite shows on TV is a vital part of life, although it does cut into precious shopping time, right? Bravo to the rescue: Going one step further from lucrative sponsorship tie-ins like Tresemmé for Project Runway, the network will soon be promoting and selling its own specially-manufactured products on its highest-rated shows. So fear not: When you spot the Kooba bags worn by the girls in NYC Prep, the forthcoming reality show about rich Manhattan teens, you'll be instantly prompted to go to Bravo's website and order one for $595; same goes for wine, flowers, and knives featured on Top Chef, the winning outfit on Runway-ripoff The Fashion Show, and so forth.

Bernie Madoff is behind bars, but other members of the family are growing concerned that they may be joining him in the near future. The Post reports today that two members of the disgraced clan, including Shana Madoff, Bernie's shoe-loving niece, have contacted a consultant who helps white-collar criminals learn how to survive in prison.

• Jane Beasley, the ex-wife of former GE chief Jack Welch, has put her 3,663-square-foot condo at the Trump International up for sale. Beasley acquired the apartment in 2003 as part of her divorce settlement with Welch. It now can be yours for $28.8 million. [Cityfile, Trump Realty]
• Dr. Gary Roubin, an interventional cardiologist at Lenox Hill Hospital, and his wife Peta have gone into contract to sell their 6,800-square-foot carriage house at 168 East 73rd Street. The six-bedroom home, which includes penthouse terrace, garden, and outdoor basketball court, was most recently listed for $22 million. [Cityfile, SSNYC]
• Ernst & Young executive Deborah Whitmore and her husband Kenneth paid $4 million for a penthouse condo at 140 West 22nd Street. [Cityfile]

Conan sidekick Max Weinberg turns 58 today. Actor Paul Sorvino is turning 70. Writer Christopher Hitchens is turning 60. Caroline Rhea is 45. Chef Bill Telepan is 43. Hedge fund manager Glenn Dubin turns 52. Times music critic Anthony Tommasini is turning 61. Kyle Howard, the TV actor and boyfriend of Lauren Conrad, is 31. Knicks star Quentin Richardson is 29. Al Green turns 63. And Rick Schroder, the actor whose career peaked when he played "Ricky" on Silver Spoons, is 39.

• Madonna's most recent effort to change hearts and minds in Malawi: She pleaded her case in a letter to the country's Nation newspaper, writing that she wants to provide Mercy "with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and health care possible." [Us, NYP]
• Madonna may want to take a cue from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt: The couple had their adoption request turned down by Bhutan recently, but they're now moving on to the Philippines, according to Britain's Daily Mail. [NYDN]
• Kipton Cronkite's life appears to be headed downhill: The art world scenester has lost his job and apartment, and he's living rent-free with a rich teenager on the Lower East Side. [P6]
• Ruth Madoff will have to find a new stylist: She's been banned from the Pierre Michel Salon "out of respect for the salon's other customers." [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan's mental condition isn't improving: Friends now say she "barely sleeps" anymore, and she "can't even sit down for a minute without pacing around the room." [People]

It turns out that right now is a great time to be in the newspaper business if you're selling to beggars. Or if you're a beggar trying to sell commuters news about being poor.

Guys, he was just arrested barely two weeks ago for punching a prostitute he hired (according to the cops), after the hooker tried to bite his tongue off. Is now really the time to go bragging to the press about how many people your imitation of him is bringing into your Brooklyn and Rockville Centre churched?

Hipster millionaire Jakob Lodwick can't stop seeking web attention. Yet even the dim lights of internet semi-fame drive him up the wall. So he's left to stab in frustration, in the dark.