Only boorish, unqualified loudmouths like bloggers and David Denby have weighed in on the world's most grating question, "What's with all this snark?" Until now! An actual psychologist has a theory.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is the ultimate telecommuter, working from home on a new, lightweight "netbook" while he's ostensibly on medical leave from Apple. Investors are calming down. So what are employees worried about?

Columbia University psychology professor David Buckner appeared on Glenn Beck's show on Fox News this afternoon. Based on the clip above, we're guessing Beck probably won't be inviting him back again any time soon. At least not without a note from his doctor. [YouTube]

Scarlett Johansson's assistant wrote about the media's dangerous weight obsession in the Huffington Post today, and it sounds like she didn't like a post of ours. But that wasn't the weight we were talking about.

Here's an intriguing product found at a 99-cent store in Greenpoint. What is it, and in what way does it encourage "Close relations between family members?"

Esquire spent a couple days with Todd Palin—"the man for American now"—last year, and just got around to publishing the story, including heartbreaking details of Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston before the crack-up.

That was quick. It's been just 24 hours since Navy commandos took out the pirates holding Captain Richard Phillips hostage, and there's already a reality TV show in the works. Spike announced today that it plans to produce a show about U.S. Navy "pirate hunters." The idea isn't new; it was under discussion long before the most recent drama on the high seas. But the hostage situation aboard the Maersk Alabama apparently helped convince the Navy to cooperate. "We had no idea if last week's events would actually kill the deal or seal the deal," said a Spike exec. Excellent choice of words! Fortunately for reality TV obsessives—and less fortunately for the pirates—the Navy Seals were the only ones doing the killing this weekend.

In 2008, Todd was great as a freewheeling political director and straight-man to Chris Matthews on MSNBC, but he's choking as NBC's White House correspondent. Now, he may get a chance for redemption.

In your bone-chilling Monday media column: magazine prices going up, newspapers just giving up and letting you do it, Rahm Emanuel charms reporters, and big Hollywood tragedy!

Twitter had a big tizzy yesterday over Amazon.com's supposed censorship of gay and lesbian titles, did you hear? Just one problem: A well-known hacker has come forward and claimed the whole thing was his prank.

Dozens of stores have closed their doors in recent months and as you've probably noticed, very few have been replaced by new tenants. Both Jeremiah's Vanishing New York and EV Grieve have been collecting photos of the retail horror show unfolding across town, although we're going to have to award the store pictured above—located on East Sixth Street near Avenue A—as the most depressing (and most reminicent of the scary old NYC you see in photos from the '70s). Of course, if you happen to know of one that's worse, feel free to let us know about it.

Is there any more irrelevant talking head in America than Ari Fleischer, Bush's former roboflack? His only skill was obfuscating on behalf of important people. Now he doesn't work for anyone important. Except himself!

The President can't go anywhere without betraying America. Here he is today, at the White House Easter Egg Roll, debasing himself yet again.

• Amazon.com is in the hot seat for stripping gay and lesbian books of their sales rankings, something the bookseller is now calling a "glitch." [EW, WSJ]
• MSNBC is reportedly in the process of developing a weekend political show to be moderated by chief White House correspondent Chuck Todd. [NYO]
• More bad news for barely-living BlackBook: its longtime fashion director is out. And Jann Wenner's marketing chief is leaving Wenner Media. [WWD]
• Alpha Media has laid off a handful of employees at Maxim, including deputy editor Chris Wilson and editor-at-large Steve Garbarino. [NYO]
• Magazines are looking to raise subscription rates to save themselves. [NYT]

Heather Eisenlord's law firm is paying her $80,000 to take the year off, travel around the world doing whatever, and wait for the economy to rebound. Fine, but who will save the chicken farmers?

Not even the "traditionalist" Catholics can keep it together! Mel Gibson's wife Robyn has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. Married in 1980, the couple has seven children together and millions of Passion-of-the-Christ dollars.

British people make the best vampires, they also make good crooks. Pirates are all the rage! As is crazy Glenn Beck. An HBO pilot gets more interesting by the day, while Showtime finds none of its pilots worth keeping.

Howard Kurtz scolds Politico this morning for spinning stupid bullshit "stories" into Drudgebait, a critique we endorse. But: Physician, heal thyself.

Finally, someone has combined the most puzzling qualities of Snuggies and Park Slope Parenthood into one atrocious product: the "Peekaru."

If Botox-maker Allergan gets its way, one day the injectable poison, currently best known for its ability to turn foreheads into ironing-boards, will be the treatment of choice for every ailment under the sun, from migraines to enlarged prostates to speech impediments. Nothing else, marvels an Allergan scientist, "has so many demonstrated uses." And even if those uses haven't actually been discovered or verified yet, the company isn't taking any chances that a toxin-peddling competitor will cash in: It currently has more than 90 patents in place or pending for different applications of the drug: