The White House has tapped two D.C.-area techies to run the government's tech infrastructure. His CIO, Vivek Kundra, turned out to have a rap sheet. Now his CTO Aneesh Chopra, has a drug problem.

We've got to admit: we were not excited for "Rock Week." The mentor was noted Hair Bear Slash, Adam was going to wear leather and butch his way through something from the screechy white dude school of classic rock, Kris was going to hope it was actually soft rock week, Danny was going to suck, and Allison was going to be fine. And that is basically how it all went down! Except better!

$3.2 million apartment-owner Jared Kushner has fired the New York Observer's cleaning lady. Too expensive.

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferell's in jail. So she can now safely become a folk hero. FreeKari.com is up and taking donations! The dude who turned her in is under assault from commenters! America loves villains.

Are morning show hosts the worst people on television? Yes. Here's a selection of the creepy, prying, pretend-concerned questions Chris Cuomo and Matt Lauer had for Bristol Palin this morning.

Mort Zuckerman thinks letting newspapers run bingo games will save journalism. Let's see if his own newspaper is competent enough to run promotional games!

Records Show How Madoff Used Firm as 'Piggy Bank' [NYT/Dealbook]

Breaking police radio news: "Queens. Loose cow. 103 Precinct. 109 Avenue. E.S.U. reporting a loose cow at the location." Call the horse cops!

Paris Hilton is involved in some lawsuit over God knows what, and as part of a deposition, she was asked about several entries on her cell phone bill. Her response? "I've never looked at my phone bill in my entire life," she explained, adding that she didn't even know who paid the bill in the first place. "With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time... I probably get a new cell phone like every two weeks." Of course, she could afford to lose her cell phone every hour of the day if she felt like it: Court documents indicate she raked in $22 million from 2006-07 thanks to sponsorship deals and public appearances. One of the companies that chipped in a good deal of that? Cell phone giant Motorola. Naturally. [TSG, AP]

In typical bureaucratic fashion, The New School has convened a committee to issue a formal report on the student takeover last month. Not addressed: Is this cop a huge dick, or what? [City Room]

When John Edwards finally admitted his affair with Rielle Hunter, he denied fathering her child and offered to take a DNA test to prove it. Hunter—conveniently!—turned him down. Now she's changed her mind.

So you've probably been hearing that the recession has eased a bit, and there are signs the U.S. economy is finally turning the corner. Fewer people are losing their jobs! The stock market had its best April in years! People are spending money again! We have absolutely no idea if this is true or it's all part of some plot by Ben Bernanke to use the power of positive thinking to improve the economic outlook—and if that's the case, we're really screwed—but here's a sign that our darkest days are behind us: Someone actually spent $6 million buying the first-ever Hermès-designed helicopter (or "l'Hélicoptère par Hermès," as they like to refer to it). Okay, so the buyer is in Abu Dhabi and "signature Hermès orange accents" and "natural-grained Hermès calf leather upholstery" never really goes out of style there, but still! We're totally taking this as a positive sign regardless. [Luxist]

Dylan Ratigan, the CNBC anchor who abruptly left the network a month ago, is heading to MSNBC. Funny thing, because he promised ABC News he was all theirs as soon as his noncompete agreement was up.

In your desperate Wednesday media column: Baseball writer fired at baseball game, a Harpers ripoff, News Corp has big plans like everybody else, and even more!:

Now the gathering storm of Gay Marriage has tsunamied all over Maine. Not Maine! That's where the Bushes live!

Queen of the USA Oprah gave out coupons to the whole world for a free KFC lunch today. And guess what: As we speak, there are Riots and Sit-Ins and Furor at KFC. BREAKING:

Michelle Obama was the main attraction at Time magazine's sixth annual 100 "most influential" ceremony at Lincoln Center last night. She was joined by a predictably massive group of A-listers, including Oprah, Harvey Weinstein, Mort Zuckerman, Steve Schwarzman, Jeff Bewkes, Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Carine Roitfeld, Gayle King, Stella McCartney, Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy, Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler, Jay Leno, Lorne Michaels, Jimmy Fallon and Nancy Juvonen, Charlie Rose, David Lauren and Lauren Bush, Ann Coulter, Suze Orman, Arianna Huffington, Kate Betts, Andy Serwer, Paul Krugman, Vivi Nevo and Ziyi Zhang, Andrea Mitchell, Chris Matthews ...

Michael Bloomberg isn't just a highly gifted musician. He knows how to cook, too! Okay, not really, but he did turn up on the set of Martha Stewart's show yesterday to show off his recipe for "Gracie Mansion" oatmeal cookies. (The episode airs on May 13 if you'd like to go ahead and set your DVR now.) The recipe is free of trans fats, as you probably expected, and you'll find the full recipe below, just in case you're feeling particularly brave this afternoon.

The Mormons posthumously baptized Barack Obama's mom! Isn't that sweet of them? Sweet and creepy? Well, these things happen. This particular thing happens a lot, in fact.

Last week, Phil Falcone, the billionaire hedge fund mogul best known for picking up the Guccione mansion in 2007 for $49 million, was slapped with a lawsuit by a former employee at his firm. Howard Kagan, who joined Falcone's Harbinger Capital Partners in 2003, claims he was stiffed out of $62 million bonus for the work he did in 2008. How, exactly, did Kagan come up with such a huge sum given Falcone's fund lost, like, billions last year, much like every other hedge fund in town? That's unclear, although it's beginning to look like the suit was part of an attempt to force Falcone into coughing up the cash rather than face the prospect of bad press. Sure, that tactic might work with some nerdy hedge fund manager who enjoys spending quiet nights at home with his HP-12C calculator. But you don't pull that kind of stunt on a ballsy guy like Falcone and live to tell. Did we mention that the dude lives in a former orgy palace and keeps a pet pig in one of his 367 spare bedrooms? [Dealbreaker]