Next Monday, George W. Bush will begin his career as a motivational speaker, because he is obviously a very motivational man who is quite good a public speaking.

"Do you love chocolate almost as much as you love diamonds?" Yes, and??? Long have I waited to meet others like me: Wealthy lovers of gaudy jewels and cheap candy. If only...

With just weeks to go until the debut of New Moon, the second installment of the Twilight series, Summit Entertainment, the film's distributor, is clearly playing with fire.

The Treasury Department's soon-to-be-announced executive pay guidelines will drastically slash cash payouts to executives at GM, Citibank, AIG, Bank of America, and Chrysler. Not on the list: AIG pass-through beneficiary Goldman Sachs.

• Both Google and Facebook are getting into the music biz, apparently. [NYT]
• ESPN's Steve Phillips has a pretty messy sex scandal on his hands. [NYP]
• Condé Nast's latest effort to branch out: It's starting discount travel site called Jetsetter in partnership with Gilt Groupe. Meanwhile, this week's Observer recaps Condé's recent problems and reflects on the good 'ol days. [NYT, NYO]
• People's decision to pay big bucks for exclusive pics of kidnapee Jaycee Dugard sure paid off. The issue sold 2 million copies last week. [WWD]
• Who will be the next editor of BusinessWeek? Jon Friedman thinks former Portfolio editor Joanne Lipman would be a "fine choice." And she may be, provided Bloomberg is looking to destroy what's left of the magazine. [MW]
• Michael Steele is now (officially) Us Weekly's editor-in-chief. [NYT]
• How many people despise cable news clown Glenn Beck? Enough that the network has hired a bodyguard to follow him everywhere he goes. [P6]
• Yet another book "by" Michael Jackson may be coming soon. Super! [Crain's]

Matt Harvey reminds hysterical trend story writers: Heroin has always been, and always shall be.

[Michelle Obama competes in Jack Rabbit Slim's hula contest during a photo op on the White House lawn today to show kids that it's cool to exercise. Image via Getty]

Cracked.com has imagined a terrifying post-internet hellscape: Twitter via carrier pigeon, LOLcats on Broadway and the resurgence of porn shops. OK, so it's not all bad. Via Anna Jane Grossman.

Somewhere in this great land of ours, there is a reporter who holds the single worst reporting job in America. Sure, the guy who has to constantly watch men be filled up with poison in a prison in Huntsville, Texas is a strong candidate. But we know there are many more. What about the reporter who has to cover long-haul truckers? Or the municipal waste beat? Or the St. Louis Rams?

Soul Sisters: Well-preserved divorcées Ivana Trump and Denise Rich at last night's "Angel Ball" at Cipriani Wall Street, an annual event that raises money for Rich's cancer research foundation.

The denizens of cheesy Thrillist junkets were once only shameless bloggers, but now it looks like grandiose outlets are getting on the free-trip teat, too.

Jo Reynolds came back last night as a celebrity photographer and her ego was as big as Annie Liebovitz's debt. And the future isn't much brighter for her or any of the denizens of this famous zip code.

Why did the Council of Fashion Designers of America just publish a cookbook? Because "food and fashion both start with an 'f,'" explains Diane von Furstenberg, adding that "all designers love to cook," which may very well be true but fails to explain why these designers haven't been sharing their creations with the stick-thin models that appear in their fashion shows up until now.

Reverends! All reverends look alike. Jesse Jackson was on MSNBC today to help poor people, and Contessa Brewer introduced him as "the Rev. Al Sharpton." If Fox News did this, there would be sit-ins.

The Way We Live Now: Counterintuitively. The recession is discombobulating your normal expectations. Prices for worthless schools go up. Lawyers turn to pimps. Everybody wants to be abused. Dildos are not what they seem!

Salman, Salman, Salman... you should have kept your mouth shut. Was this worth it?

This'll be fun: You know the ESPN guy and his 22-year-old ESPN sexbuddy story? Well, Deadspin heard rumors about it months ago, but got the nothing-to-see-here treatment from the ESPN flacks. Pissed, they started a daylong ESPN sex rumor dump.

It happened to Paris Hilton, and now Justin Bobby's cell phone has been hacked! The internet was abuzz today with all of the text messages he's been sending. We have the full transcript and a video!

Wall Street CEOs make a fortune, as you're undoubtedly aware. Even the chief executives of banks that have been bailed-out by Washington or have gone bust usually end up doing nicely. But despite the riches and perks these men have accumulated and massive egos they've developed along the way, few of them would do all that well in a beauty contest. Because it's high time that Wall Street take advantage of the miracle of modern science—and because we care, dammit—we took the liberty of contacting Dr. Anthony Youn, a board-certified plastic surgeon who has made appearances on Dr. 90210 and the Rachael Ray Show, to ask him what procedures he'd suggest these titans of finance consider if they want to look their very best. Dr. Youn's answers and cost estimates—and our commentary—is below.

In your woebegone Wednesday media column: Rumors of more Conde Nast layoffs at Architectural Digest and the research department, ideas for BusinessWeek's future, Ross Douthat is insecure, and the Weather Channel grows ever more awesome.