Former Hewlett-Packard chief exec Carly Fiorina and retired Johns Hopkins neurosurgeon (and idiot) Ben Carson have officially joined the 2016 presidential race. They’re up against Senators Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul for the GOP nomination.

Florida truly seems like a terrifying place to live, and a new video out of Palm Beach county really does nothing to help the image of the freaky state as one big lawless, drug-induced hallucination.

Would it surprise you to learn bearded fantasy author George R.R. Martin not only looks like Jerry Garcia, but also enjoys listening to Jerry Garcia? You’re not just making stoned connections, it’s totally true dude!!

Trick question: which is accumulating faster atop Aspen’s fair ski mountains—legal weed or Bogner-clad assholes on skis? The answer, it turns out, is dog poop (but that will change come winter.)

According to the AP, a cop and two suspects were shot outside a contest offering a $10,000 prize for cartoons depicting the prophet Muhammad in Texas Sunday.

Was a coyote sending a calculated message to tri-state area humans this weekend when he snatched a small dog out of a backyard and presumably tore it apart with his sharp teeth? I’m not a coyote and I don’t profess to understand how they think, but if you held one to my head my answer would be, “Yes, this is possible.”

If you were feeling accomplished today, you might as well just forget about it because look at this kid right here.

“Not everybody can go and spend $37 million to live on the ocean in a 1910 cottage, but you don’t need to spend that kind of money to have a unique living experience in the Hamptons.” And thank goodness for that.

The documentary I Am Big Bird—following the life of veteran muppeteer Caroll Spinney—doesn’t premiere until next week, but many of the film’s most interesting details are out today thanks to the New York Post. Among them: Spinney is related to Barack Obama, has used the suit to hide his tears and was a planned crewmember of the doomed Challenger mission.

On Sunday, record-breaking skier Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook that she and boyfriend of three years Tiger Woods had broken up. Ice cold.

Maryland Governor Larry Hogan has ordered the withdrawal of the National Guard from the city of Baltimore, Agence France-Presse reports. Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake lifted the 10 p.m. curfew this morning.

“I’m changing my album name to SWISH,” Kanye tweeted. “I might change it again but that’s the name now.” Just so you know!

Hey, weird question, I know, but did you lose like 60 grand in grody cash? If so, good news, because a hiker in Pennsylvania found it last weekend and police would love to give it back.

A 101-year-old man was among three survivors discovered by rescue workers this weekend in the aftermath of last week’s devastating earthquake in Nepal, NPR reports. According to Agence France-Presse, Funchu Tamang sustained only minor injuries to his hand and ankle after a week spent in the rubble of his home.

In a video published by the Associated Press, police in Baltimore are seen to pepper-spray a man wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan, “Fuck the Police.”

Earlier this week, as the Nigerian military approached their camp in the Sambisa Forest, Boko Haram fighters stoned some of their captives to death, survivors told the Associated Press. Several women were crushed by a Nigerian military armored car, and, later, three were killed by a land mine as they walked to freedom.

The Italian Coast Guard, aided by commercial vessels, rescued at least 16 boats of migrants off the coast of Libya on Sunday, the Associated Press reports. Ten bodies were recovered in the course of three different rescue operations.

On Sunday morning, Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake announced via Twitter she was lifting the city’s 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. curfew, effective immediately.

“As my life coach has explained to me, however, positives can’t exist without negatives, so here are ten downsides to consider before you rent or buy at Trump Tower Chicago.” This is great, thanks!

During the 45-minute ride in a police van that killed Freddie Gray, an officer mocked the 25-year-old’s requests for medical attention as a case of “jailitis,” a new report from The Baltimore Sun reveals.