If you hate both sleep and maintaining a general sense of well-being, then boy, do these historians have just the thing for you: Brand new, remastered recordings of long-dead children chanting nursery rhymes. Because when the eternally trapped spirit of a little girl shrieks at you from beyond the grave—you want to be able to hear it.

Late yesterday, the New York Times reported that David Goldberg, SurveyMonkey CEO and late husband of Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg, had been killed after he slipped on a Four Seasons treadmill in Mexico. That’s a strange way to go—but even stranger is that the resort is now denying it.

The 23-year-old Florida woman arrested Monday for allegedly having sex with her 15-year-old neighbor was accused in 2012 of having sex with at least two dogs.

Here is one of the most ill-conceived blog posts you will ever come across.

A North Carolina police officer is suing Starbucks for $50,000 over a free cup of coffee that allegedly collapsed into the cop’s lap and burned his lap.

Twenty-two-year-old Hayley King, a University of South Carolina student, was arrested by police last week after confessing to having spit in and dousing her roommates’ food with Windex. She was charged with unlawful and malicious tampering with human drug product or food, and could face 20 years in prison if convicted.

Here is a video of Ted Cruz, the debate team goon who wants to be your next president, agreeing that Barack Obama might possibly be planning to invade the American Southwest under the auspices of “Jade Helm 15,” an Army training exercise.

90 degrees and above is hot

Mike Huckabee just took the stage with Tony Orlando and a bizarre number of children to officially announce his (second) bid for the Republican nomination. And the circus grows.

New York City’s last mayor was a hawk-faced billionaire. Our current mayor, Bill “de” Blasio, is supposed to be a populist by comparison. Still, the process of riding the sub-way is enough to confound and mystify our city’s leader.

The Islamic State has reportedly claimed responsibility for Sunday’s attack by Elton Simpson and Nadir Soofi on an anti-Muslim cartoon contest in Garland, Texas.

Hey man, it’s your life, but I’m like a professional internet person and I thought this was pretty gnarly. Maybe you already saw it on Reddit or something, in which case the damage is done, but if not, just do yourself a favorite and watch this instead:

UPDATE 2:45 p.m.: According to the San Antonio Express-News, Josh Lewis denies his boss’s version of events, saying the attacker stole his car with the pizzas in it and he did not complete his delivery. Our assessment of Lewis (who was stuck with “a huge dagger” in the line of duty) as a pizza hero stands.

After a two-year battle with bone cancer, 27-year-old Ryan McHenry—who created good meme “Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal”—died on Sunday. This evening, the actor himself raised a spoon in the late Vine maker’s honor.

New York’s Senate majority leader Dean G. Skelos: awesome dad, but also an extremely corrupt politician, say authorities.

The Florida woman who tweeted “2 drunk 2 care” hours before causing a deadly car crash was sentenced to 24 years in prison on Monday, CBS News reports.

Willie Groomes, a retired correction officer who shot and killed 32-year-old Gilbert Drogheo in Brooklyn’s Borough Hall subway station in March, will not be indicted in the shooting, Brooklyn District Attorney Kenneth Thompson announced in a statement this evening.

According to reports, Chris Brown broke his (personal best?) year-and-a-half streak of not assaulting anyone when he allegedly punched a man in Vegas this weekend.

Sheryl Sandberg’s husband, SurveyMonkey CEO Dave Goldberg, reportedly died in a Mexican hospital this weekend after falling off a hotel gym treadmill and hitting his head.

With a little bit of headsmarts and ingenuity, anything is possible. Want to make a volcano but don’t particular remember middle school chemistry class? One young man has just the solution: a chiminea, a leafblower, and some dried up plants. It’s all you need to get in business—that is, until mom sees you.