Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake announced at a press conference this morning that she has asked the Department of Justice to investigate the city’s police department. Rawlings-Blake also said that all Baltimore police officers will have body cameras by 2016.

What is the saddest thing? Possibly: a heroic lion mascot in a cape who has become too drunk to stand and collapses on the soccer pitch, his giant fuzzy head lolling and falling off in his hands. Underneath, he is only human, like the rest of us. He is also drunk, like the rest of us.

People who buy stocks in alcohol, tobacco, gambling, or (new!) marijuana companies are said to be investing in “vice”—traditionally a good way to earn premium returns in exchange for being a morally bad human. Who are these successful bastard investors?

“It’s one thing to say, ‘Get off my property or else,’ but once people start issuing highly specific threats like, ‘I will kill you in this or that way,’ you know it’s going to be a long day.” A day in the life of a social worker for the mentally ill.

According to a preliminary report released by French investigators Wednesday, Germanwings pilot Andreas Lubitz had “practiced” the fatal descent that would lead to the crashing of an Airbus A320 and the killing of 149 people on an earlier flight that same day.

Ellen Albertini Dow, famous for playing spunky grandmothers in comedies like The Wedding Singer and Wedding Crashers, died on Monday, The New York Times reports. She was 101.

An overachieving bigot in Nebraska reached an impressive new level of intolerance this week, filing a lawsuit against “Homosexuals”—as in all of them, everywhere—in a U.S. District Court on Friday, NBC News reports.

A former student pilot accused of stealing a plane from North Las Vegas Airport was arrested on Saturday, allegedly confessing during the flight he was a life-long pedophile who “had a weak moment,” KSNV reports.

America’s oldest living veteran—who, if I may speak freely, I truly love—just threw himself a “Mighty Fine at 109” party replete with burgers, cake and whiskey. I can only assume my invitation was lost in the mail and look forward to attending next year’s event.

Staten Island district attorney Daniel Donovan has won a special election for the house seat left open by disgraced congressman Michael Grimm, who pled guilty to felony tax evasion in December, The New York Times reports. Donovan is the same D.A. whose office failed last year to secure an indictment for Daniel Pantaleo, the NYPD officer who killed Eric Garner.

This weekend Peachtree City police nabbed a Walking Dead star for driving drunk near the Georgia town where the AMC show films. And if you’re thinking you’ve read this story before, you have: it’s the second time an actor from the show has been arrested for a DUI in that county.

Life is short and cruel and then you get on the Price is Right.

You may have heard about the New York Times’ most recent awful decision to make room for an awful op-ed, this time in the form of Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiance clamoring to get out of a contract because he essentially he decided he no longer wanted to be in one. This particular contract, of course, was about embryos. Enter Fox News.

A couple of boxing fans have sued Manny Pacquiao for allegedly failing to disclose a torn rotator cuff before last weekend’s “fight of the century” against Floyd Mayweather. Pacquiao’s team says he reported the injury to the Nevada State Athletic Commission, but a form he filled out prior to the fight indicates no shoulder, elbow, or hand damage.

Great news for Yankee imperialists too lazy to travel to Florida: Starting in July, JetBlue will offer a direct charter flight from New York’s JFK Airport to Havana.

Though we wish it could be so, Elizabeth Warren is not running for president. The dominant narrative has already become: Warren’s supporters will now have to settle for trying to exert influence on Hillary Clinton. Not so fast, narrative!

The habitual scrolling through your Facebook newsfeed—alone on your computer late at night; on your phone while standing in line for coffee; right now, at your desk at work—is among the worst learned behaviors of the last 10 years.

The Florida couple who last year had sex on a beach, went to sleep, and then had sex again, all while a grandmother filmed them, have been convicted of lewd and lascivious behavior, and each face up to 15 years in prison, the Miami Herald reports.

Will we ever hear the end of the de Blasio administration’s shtick? First, the mayor wants to give a metric ton of cash to public schools that are struggling. Now he’s signed off an a proposal spearheaded by his wife, Chirlane McCray, to put an additional $54 million toward mental health services in NYC.

Access to food stamps and other government anti-poverty programs is often used as a political football. This amounts to playing with human lives. Each week, we are bringing you true stories from Americans who receive public assistance. Here are your fellow citizens speaking about their own lives.