A Japanese former porn star has agreed to a 15-year, $8 million contract to become the exclusive “personal assistant” of an anonymous Chinese businessman, the tabloid Nikkan Gendai reported this week.

It all started in the 50-acre park known as Lackie’s Bush in Barrie, Ontario, Canada on Tuesday. It was early evening, barely even six p.m., when two local teens decided to take some drugs.

The wreckage of the U.S. helicopter that vanished earlier this week in Nepal with six Marine and two Nepalese soldiers on board was found early Friday morning. Three bodies were discovered near the crash, and a U.S. military spokesman said there are no signs anyone survived.

Missouri’s Republican Speaker of the House, John Diehl, resigned Thursday after his incredibly boring sexts with a 19-year-old capitol intern became public. “I am willing to face the consequences,” he announced. :kiss emoji:

Legendary blues singer and guitarist B.B. King died late Thursday in his Las Vegas home. He was 89.

Cops say a lunch lady at a Chicago high school did more than serve lunch to a pair of brothers, one of whom was apparently underage at the time.

At least three adults and one child were killed Thursday in what police are calling a suspicious blaze that erupted just blocks from Joe Biden’s home.

Cops say a man can’t stop trying to kill his wives—and they can’t stop marrying him!

A Kennesaw State University student posted a video Thursday of an attempt to meet with his academic advisor about his major and graduation requirements. He never got the meeting, because the school’s director of advising called security on him for “harassing” her by “sitting here until someone is available.”

Today I turned 27. I was wished a happy birthday by my parents, my boyfriend, my co-workers, several dozen Facebook friends, and approximately four people on Twitter. I was also wished a happy birthday by Nelnet, a student loan firm contracted by the federal government, to which I currently owe $19,008.13.

As if the indignity of riding discount transportation to Boston wasn’t enough on its own, passengers of a Bolt Bus were forced to evacuate Monday evening as their chariot burst into flames. When one passenger emailed to complain about the incident, a representative asked her to join the company’s loyalty program so that she could receive “a couple of round trips” in exchange for her troubles.

If you’re looking for a professional challenge, Amtrak just posted a job opening for a “communications lead” in Washington, DC. Don’t live in DC? Like the listing says, “Your success is a train ride away.”

A Southwest Airlines passenger says she found out her husband was planning to commit suicide just moments before her flight took off, but flight attendants prevented her from calling him, citing FAA regulations. By the time she got home, he had been found dead.

Finally, a whole four days after he first said that yes, he would have gone into Iraq, then said he misheard the question, and then said the question is mean to our troops, Jeb Bush has finally given us a definitive(-ish?) answer: Knowing what we know today, Jeb Bush would not have authorized an invasion in Iraq. Probably.

Baltimore corrections officers Tamika Cobb and Kendra Richard were charged this week with looting a downtown 7-Eleven during riots over the death of Freddie Gray. The video above purportedly shows Richard carrying Slim Jims out of the store while Cobb stands by the door holding a bag of Tostitos.

Six Philadelphia narcotics cops were acquitted today on all 26 counts of federal corruption charges against them. The six were arrested in sting operations last year and stood accused of stealing drug money, planting evidence, and abusing suspects.

Why did Alan Grayson call a reporter a “shitting robot” yesterday? Because that reporter learned the liberal populist hero Florida congressman, worth somewhere south of $100 million, keeps as much as a quarter of his wealth in “hedge funds in the Cayman Islands” where foreign investors can dodge U.S. taxes.

Vivid released child-bride-turned-adult-performer Courtney Stodden’s “unique” masturbation video—now titled “Courtney Uncovered’—today, ahead of schedule. And what’s so unique about it? Oh, just Courtney melting an ice cream cone between her immense fake breasts.

Authorities reportedly discovered another body in the rubble of the Amtrak crash site in Philadelphia this morning, bringing the death toll from the accident to eight. Eleven passengers reportedly remain missing (UPDATE: Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter says that all 243 passengers on board have been accounted for).

Remember that painting we talked about yesterday? The ugly Picasso that sold at Christie’s for a price so exorbitant that it’s painful to mention again ($179 million dollars)? Well, according to Fox5 in NY, it wasn’t only crazy expensive, it was pornographic.